I suppose the title of this post seems very harsh but in reality it is how I see myself during the next stage of my abuse. As I said before TR had taken all power from me, at work, at home, with friends, with family. It was like two lives, to very different separate lives. One hand I had my REAL life, the one which was 'normal': I woke up next to my husband, we kissed goodbye, I went to work, I picked up our son, I cooked tea, we went to bed. Weekends off meant something fun, relaxed with family or friends, sunday dinners at my mother in laws and shopping trips. The other hand was seedy, deceetful and dirty. I would wake up, knowing I would kiss my husband and leave him to go to work where I would coerce in speaking to a serial rapist as a best friend. I would avoid all contact where possible but I had started to do what he asked, like I was safer that way. I would leave work go home and respond to his phone calls and texts, whilst carrying on my own life with my husband. AWFUL, SLUTTY AWFUL.
Please understand that by this time I was well and truely fucked and whilst I did not engage in conversations of a naughty kind or in sexual contact I would do all that I could to keep safe from another attack. If that meant being his best buddy and confident it worked well and it kept me one step ahead. Somedays he would tell me who he was going after, who he had been with, what his sex life was like with his wife and others. He told secrets about others at work, such as one 'high up' director using the company credit card to pay for oral sex from a brothel. Others who he had one night stands with, others he was working on. He told me lots and it meant I was immune to his actions, it meant he was ruining someone elses life not mine. Somedays he would tell me to what to wear:
'Wear a skirt today', or 'wear a thong and suspenders'
Somedays I would, others I wouldn't. I soon learned the days that I did as he said he kept his distance, he would fantasie and wank at his desk about me sat in those outfits at work but he would not attack. Days I would retalitate and wear what I wanted meant he would come to check....and that was worse. So I gave in and did what he asked. Slutty boots, boobs sticking out, hair back, hair up, no make up, some make up, hairy vagina, virginal vagina the list went on and I just went with it. I cannot tell you why or how but it seemed like the only thing to do, obey. I had always been a push over, I was controlled by my mother, my ex and to a degree my husband and others. I have never been able to refuse anyone what they wanted, make my voice heard, my mother was the main one for that becuase if I ever said no to her she would give me the biggest bollecoking and humiliate me to family. Expose me as a bad daughter, so I always gave in to her, it was easier to say 'yes' than deal with the consequences of 'no'. This makes sight now having gone through therapy why the next time TR was to make sexual contact, I did not put up a fight. I just laid down and took it. NUMB.
I had said that I was frantically searching for a job and I had found one in the March of 2008. It was in my local town and paid more for less hours. It was perfect. I sent in the application and gave it all I could. The interview went well and I made it clear that I no longer wanted to work at B for personal reasons. I ahted the place by now. I thought I had finally found a way out! I handed in my notice much to B displeasure and worked two jobs at one time as I needed the distraction. When I began working for the other company, it felt like a new lease of life and I was so happy being there. It was a rewarding job. However it was TR who organised my leaving drinks on my last day at work (although I had a leaving do night out with the girls earlier). He arranged for a few to meet up in the local bar, it was his favourite becuase they sold Erdinger and he made everyone who could go, go. I arrived late but he did not show at all. He never made it. It ws weird that he went to all that trouble but never turned up himself. He text me lots during though, dirty stuff and the norm have one on me etc. It left me uneasy, what was he planning? I hated his silence. After lunch I returned to find that everyone had come down from their offices to wave me off and do a kind of This is Your Life thing. TR was there at the back and I looked at him as I made my speech, crying and shaking. He kept winking and encouraging me but at the same time it was like he was saying 'ssssh be a good girl' all over again. I lied about how I loved working their and the friends I ahd mine would never be forgotten etc etc. It was a sereal moment. After everyone left and I packed up my desk and walked out of that door with a huge smile, thinking the worst was behind me now. I could move on.
I was wrong because TR hated me leaving, it meant he upped the anti. He could not keep check on me at work anymore, so he needed to check in like all the time. Messages came thick and fast and as soon as my work was getting reffered to my old work, as in paperwork and applications for housing with my signature, he knew where I was working and soon, he figured out the email address........it all began again. He would aks me where I was, what I was doing. He would tell me if he was at the local branch of B meaning round the corner from my office and try and meet with me on my dinner breaks. I would usually stay in them days. But I was paranoid whenever I went out and it was all getting to me. One day I knew he was in the area as he had told me so and he asked me to meet up. I gave the usual excuse like I was on a job or something but truth was I was not at work, it was my day off and I was at home. He kept ringing me and ringing me and I ended up picking up. He was driving, I could tell but he said he was horny and wanking right now. He wanted me to play with myself and call his name. I hung up. Then he called again, and again and again. I was getting nervous and shaky. I answered, I was trying to keep him from getting angry (although he had never been massively violent at one point but the first two times). I said his name for him over and over in a sexy voice and hung up when I knew he had had his fun. I cried as I thought baout what I had done. No police would ever understand what that was about would they? Why would they? Would J? I didn;t even know why I did it, safety I suppose. It didn;t work though. Soon I heard a knock at the door. Now I lived in the country, not many neighbours and I knew he did not know where I lived. I was expecting a package from eBay and as the postie had not been yet, I thought it to be my parcel delivery. My front door had a porch but we always used the back door near the kitchen to come and go as it was nearer to the cars. So the back door was unlocked but the front was not. I went to the front door and opened it up. The porch was made of glass and the door was locked. As I opened the door I could not see anyone, I went further into the porch and looked out the glass, seeing if my parcel had been dropped off outside. I didn't unlock the door and shrugged it off. As I went back into the house from the porch there he was. He had knocked, brought me to the front door and ran to the back to come in! He was in my dining room bright as day.
'Hey u, thought I would visit to repay the deed you did for me'
I knew he was planning to visit all along, the phone call was a check to hear the back ground, to check I was in. I can only assumme that he got my address from the HR programme and had it for a long time if it was ever to be needed.
The door was beyond him in the kitchen and I could see that he had put something in his pocket. The key, I had left it in the lock!!! Damn myself.
He came over to me all swarve and sauntering. I was shaking quite heavily and started to tidy up, I think it was cat litter tray which took my attention as needed to be done! As I kept trying to sweep it up with my hands and everything he picked me up and pushed me on the purple sofa in the dining room. We had two small ones around the log fire at that time. He pushed me over the arm and my legs went flying up as I swung down on them. I riggled and tried to regain myself but he had already started to unbutton my trousers on top of me and pulling them down. Black Jeans from Miss Selfridge, I still remember. When they got to my ankles including my knickers which went down with them. He stopped and jumped up and said:
'Where is your bedroom? The one you share with J. Is it this way?' pointing to the corridor where the stairs were.
'Err why?' not sure why this was my response.
'I want to be in your bed, with you' he started to walk up there. I jumped up with my trousers round my ankles and naked bum showing tried to run over to him, to stop him. The thought of him going into my room, my bed was awful, like the last straw, I could not let my only place of comfort with J be destroyed. I did not want him to see it, to remember it and imagine me sleeping in there when he was at home with his wife. It was like something had awoken me and I had to stop him asap. I shuffled across my dining room and I remember thinking FUCK because my trousers were restricting my movement. I kicked them off. It was clever he did that and made me remove my clothes willingly. I ran towards him and up the stairs passing him on the way. I got to the top where the door to my room was wide open. I ran to it and shut the door quickly. At this point, he didn't care, I was half naked and in a three bedroom house, there was a bed somewhere. It was as I was guarding the room with my life, my dignity, he could not take this from me. As he tried to gain access, I lured him away to he nearest room. The spare room. He lifted me onto the bed.
'I want to lick your pussy so hard and make you wetter than ever'
I was already half undressed, under his bodyweight. I knew there was no getting away, I knew that I could not let him get in my room. I gave up, there was no gfight in me and I said nothing. I let him do it, I let him proceed to lick me down there. I was crying inside and trying to hide back the tears as he sucked my clit harder and harder. I knew that J was due home any minute too and I kept thinking that what a relief that would be! I kept my head turned facing the door, hoping he would walk in. It was the first time, I did not care about J response, at least he would kick this guy out whether he belive me or. I began wishing for it and it gave me hope. Mya ndrenalin had kicked in and he kept going deeper and deeper with his tongue. Then a strange thing happened, my body responded. I actually could not stop the orgasm feeling creeping up at all. It would not stop and it was getting faster and faster and then it happened. I had an orgasm and came. I felt sick! It was awful. In the whole time he did not once get his dick out or do anything to himself. As soon as he knew he had done this, he stopped and walked away. He started to go downstairs leaving me completely bewildered. I heard the door open and shut and he went. I was still in the spare room. Confused, crying and angry.
About 10 mins passed and I put some new trousers on and went downstairs. J arrived, he must have passed TR on the road but would not have noticed. I threw my arms round him and because I was still confused by the experience dragged him upstairs to have sex. On the spare bed. I had to get TR out of my head in that room. We had sex and I had another orgasm. I felt like I had been wiped clean some what. J in compelte awe of coming home to that thanked me for the amazing time and we got ready to pick up our son from school. On the way and whilst J was driving, I sent a text to TR in my anger and it read.
'Thanks for the foreplay and all, but I've just had amazing full blown sex with a REAL man'
He never replied, and didn't for a while.
Work signed me up to the local charity football game between the different companies working together, united. However the leader of the charity event was no other than TR and this made it very hard to go ahead with. I had not seen him since his visit at home and it was a daunting prospect. I asked my husband to play for our side to make up the numbers. The whole day I felt like shit, I looked shit, and I played shit. I watched him like a hawk and kept J near me at all times, snuggling him and kissing him. TR did not speak to me at all, but he did message me afterward via email. His team also won all the money.
Throughout all this I kept wanting a baby, I wanted to share with J the joys of having a child and I wanted to feel pregnant again. We were having difficulties though and it was becoming tough on us both. I had a miscarriage in the October of that year and it devastated us both. I had started purchasing black market fertiloity drugs through a company who two years later were shut down for fraud. I spent over £1000 on drugs and anything to help with fertility. I tried giving some to J and he tried some to a degree. We went trhough the whole NHS fertility stuff and it was determined that J had a rare condition which made havign children pratcially impossible. I was devasted as we got the results back. It was a real blow, it was my only way out of the mess and I had no control over it again. I wanted to do anything, a sperm donor was my preference. I knew it would not be J but I would be pregnant and unattractive to TR. Me and J disagreed on on it and he preffered adoption. But there was another option, it was IVF. As J condition meant him having an operation it would all be done for on the NHS and he was booked for surgery in the following May of 2009. I went on to have lots of fertility drugs, some legal some not. I stopped drinking and lost a stone in wieght. I took folic acid and got fit. I did all I could to get pregnant but I knew J was dreading the surgery and it truth so was I, if they did not find any sperm. That was it, no baby of my own, in my belly making me fat, ever. No way out. It was too much to bare. All this and TR was still bothering me constantly, I was getting desperate and considered commiting suicide.
I was getting promoted copnstantly at work as I was working all hours, day and night, recruiting and training others. I started to take on more hours and work over a 40 hour week and weekends. I never stopped working and distracting myself. I worked and drove all over yorkshire trying to keep myself distracted but it was getting worse and I was tired, exhausted of all the lies and deceet. I started to crumble slowly. My whole world was dying. I was lying to everyone in my life, my husband, my best friend, my parents, my brother. It broke me into and then one day, I broke down completely and I asked J to tell everyone. Tell them what had happened. Of course he only knew of the one time and the harrasment but this was enough to gage their reaction. Whether they would believe me etc.
I remember I sat upstairs in my bedroom staring out the window as I knew my parents and brother were in my living room talking with J. I did not want to be there when he told them it was too much. Soon one by one they came to me. Dad stroked my head, mum went berserk, and started talking about reporting etc. My brother just kept quiet, but I could tell he was angry. They cried and vented. They tried to talk with me but I was nearly sick. I dont remember much else after that but stroking my cat on my lawn and totally numb to what was going on around me. It was like shut down had happened and I was bewildered when people talked to me. Again I got sloppy at work and it was noticed. I started having time off and I was coming in late and making mistakes. I carried on and althoug my mum kept pushing for the police to be notified I maanged to control the situation as much as possible. I wondered what they would do if they knew the extent of the abuse. The fact I texted him back, let him be at the wedding, let him in the home etc etc. Even had an orgasm by him. It was disgusting. Horrible.
Trouble kept coming from TR via work. His texting had stopped as I changed my mobile number. Soon he was getting desperate for a response, I was not engaging. It drove him mad. So much so he came to my home again. In fact I knew he was coming, I saw him coming to my home. He followed me from work and I saw him coming but it did not register. I had to go home at lunch to pick up some stuff for work which I had forgot. I HAD to go home, whether he was following me or not.
As I arrived home, I was right. I got out the car and went indoors, I did not lock the door. He walked in about 5 mins later. I did nothing, I hjad picked up my papers and I was going to head back off. I would not look him in the eye. He came over to me and pushed me on the dining table. He took off my trousers and got in me within two mins. His weight was on top of me. I did not say no, nor did I put up a fight. I just laid there and looked at the card I had given my husband the day previous saying how much I loved him. TR had thrown it on the floor prior to mounting the dining table. The only exchange between us was two comments
'I'm going to squirt my load in you right now'
and I replied 'ok'
After ward he zipped up and went outside., he sat on the lawn. I was unsure what he was doing but he looked sad. I walked up to him and gave him a card. It was his birthday, I had given him his birthday present. Now the card had nothing in it, no names no happy birthday but it did contain cash and a lot of it. I had withdrawn it that day, when I knew he was trying to meet up. I made it clear the cash was basically a cut off. I wanted to give him the money to leave me alone. He took it and he understood what I had done. I had paid him to leave me alone.
It worked for I have never seen him in person again. I often wonder if its because I had given in, I no londger struggled and let him do what he wanted but played dead almost. There was no fun in that you see. He liked to dominate me, but this time I had just laid complacent It was un interesting and boring. He knew it too, this was my way out all along. But he still tried contacting me soon after.......
TOMORROW I MAKE A STATEMENT TO THE POLICE. WISH ME LUCK :-)
All the Best
Bethany Black
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment