I am so sorry to have been so long in writing this post. I have been recovering from the awfulness that was the police interview just under a week ago. It lasted 7.5 hours, and was completely draining.
Anyway it seems that from my statistics that someone is reading this, so please comment if you have anything to say even if its bad. I appreciate anything that is said good or bad because this is life!
So at the end of my last post I told you how I paid off TR and I have not seen him in person since. But yes, he has haunted me ever since. After our last encounter, me and J went into full swing with the IVF route. J was scheduled to have a special operation at the beginning of May and throughout April I was on fertility drugs to make me produce more eggs in preparation. My husband and I had relaxed about when and where, what temperature and timing when it came to sex and I remember that one evening (still haunted by the last time with TR) I pulled J onto the dining room table and we had sex then and there in between cooking our dinner! Both encounters with TR in my own house, I replaced with a memory of me and my husband doing the same. It felt like I could wipe that memory clean.
By the time that May came, I had been feeling queasy and felt I was coming down with something. I decided to go to the doctor and as usual they did the usual 'Could you be pregnant?' scenario as with all women who feel a little off. I said 'no,no way, we are going through IVF at the moment'. She replied that it did not matter, if we are having unprotected sex there is still a chance. So we did a test, which came out positive! I was shell shocked and could not believe it. I was so happy, the tears would not stop. I left the docs and called J, with whom I said come home I have something to tell you. I did not want this to happen over the phone, after all this time I wanted to see his face. I then went and bought the most expensive reliable tests I could because I still was not convinced. I bought a gift for my son, because I was so happy and I bought some 'new baby' baby grows for J. When I got home I did three more tests. On the digital ones that tell you how long you are pregnant and says positive or negative. Each one said positive and about three to four weeks along! This went back to the dining table time. I took a deep breath and wrapped one of the tests in a baby grow and put it in a gift box, wrapped with J name on. As soon as he arrived home, placed on the dining table was the box. He looked at me confused, he was worried. He knew that I had been to the doctors and was a little apprehensive as to what was wrong with me. I told him to unwrap the present and then we could talk.
I will never ever forget his face and the baby grow unravelled and the test popped out. His face, stared at it for ages and he burst into tears. 'Really?' he looked at me and I nodded also in tears. He ran over to me and picked me up and swung me round. Finally we had our moment of pure happiness, it was such a good feeling. Lil man was running round blissfully unaware of our tearful moment however savouring his new toy I had bought him. It was what they call a perfect moment.
The pregnancy was not without complications, I had chronic morning sickness more like 24 hour 7 days a week sickness. I wasn't even sick, it was just nausea. Awful. I was tired beyond tired, and soon I realised I would have to tell my employers with whom I had been avoiding telling for as long as possible. I was timing it all perfectly. I wanted to be well pregnant before word got back to TR so he would not be compelled to seek me out whilst I didn't have a bump. The bump was the sign, the obvious thing that would totally put him off. By June I told work and within about a two weeks word had got back to TR. Soon I got a message through on my phone. My new phone, as I had changed it again as I always did, trying to avoid him messaging me. The message read;
Hey u, how are u?x
I knew that it was him. The tell tale sign of the one kiss at the end and the begininning hey u which he always used after time had passed. I ignored the message, but it rang in my head constantly. I kept looking at the message, and then looking at my phone to check there was no more. I felt compelled to confirm what he had probably heard but I held off, I knew messaging him was a bad decision. One I could not help but consider. Eventually old habits kicked in and I messaged him back.
Fine, u?
'Yeah ok. Hows life?x'
I don't know if you heard but I am pregnant.
Fab, how far along?
I lied when I answered this, I made myself further along so I would be seem to be in full swing, and with a bigger bump.
'right, well I would still fuck you.x'
I had underestimated the level of his addiction and it pang badly. I was again at risk!!! It was an awful feeling. I didnt reply but he messaged again.
'Remember the last time on the dining room table?x
Oh hell, I had tried to erase it. My complacency My payment. Oh bugger, as the memories flooded in. I never responded again and more messages came, one after the other. The content unworthy of a mention as it was pure filth for a pregnant woman to endure. I got on with life but with his recent contact I got nervous about being home alone again and started to convince my husband that I wanted to move house. I became obsessed with this now. My lovely large country house, was compromised. I wanted to run and hide before he could reach me. I complained to my husband that the house was unsuitable for a baby. The spare room was cold, the bathroom was damp and the quarry tilling was dangerous. It was not hard to see that this was nothing far from the truth but underneath I needed to get out badly. The place had too many bad memories for me now and I wanted out. In a bid to stick with our country lifestyle, we looked at a house further down the hill, same village but in a larger house which had no damp. We contemplated it for ages and got the keys and took family round. In fact when we were in with my dad we told him we were pregnant whilst in the living room. Even our cats followed us down and walked round it! We negotiated a deal but then I got cold feet, it was not far enough away, it was a lovely house I loved it more so than ours but it would not take long before a few drives by TR through the village would see the cars and figure it out. No, we had to move into the town, blend with the environment. Hide. So we looked around and we found our now house. It was perfect for schools and not to near the centre. A nice suburb which was quiet and well respected area. A large garden too so we were straight into negotiations and soon we moved in. I was safe, happy and blooming.
The happiness didn't last and soon I was under investigation at work for something ridiculous I got quite stressed and sick with the disciplinary but was soon cleared of the allegation But I felt knocked by work and could not bring myself to go back to work. I was getting more and more depressed as I stayed at home and memories built up. Soon I could not walk, I don't carry well and I got Symphis Pubis Dysfunction where my pubic bone kept slipping from my pelvis causing loads of pain. I was in a wheelchair for the last trimester of pregnancy and then it got unbearable so they thought it wise to deliver at 37 weeks via c section.
I gave birth at the beginning of December to a beautiful baby girl to the delight of my husband, son and family. I on the other hand could not take it in and I felt wrong. I was not handling new motherhood well even though I thought I would considering I loved every minute with my son but my baby girl was sick and cried all the time. I could not sleep at all. My precious cat died on the day she was born and no one told me until I got home and asked where she was. It knocked me for six. I just could not cope with anything any more.
As the new year came and went I got worse and worse. It didn't help that our daughter was sick all the time. She would cry constantly, and never slept for more than half an hour. I felt overweight and unattractive and started to neglect myself more and more. We were in and out of hospital with our princess, trying to work out what was wrong. They kept making out I was an over reacting mother but I knew something was wrong. It was in hospital whilst our princess was in again that I went for a shower in the private bathroom we had. It was more a wet room and I could see myself in the shower. As I stared I felt crap and all of a sudden I burst into tears and started to rip at my skin with my fingernails. It felt like I was in the wrong body, the wrong skin and I had to get it off. It was a weird experience, one that was interrupted by my husband who heard my franticness from the room. He calmed me down and looked at the wounds on my hips and belly. It was then that he thought it best to get some help. He told my midwife and health visitor and they figured I had post natal depression. My love for our princess was distorted to I did not want to be left with her or anything. It was awful to feel that way about a baby I so desperately wanted. I was put on a low dose of anti depressants and given a parent support worker. After a time though things got worse, I couldn't sleep at all, and when I was given the opportunity, I would wake up screaming from flashbacks to the rape. I would shake violently and didn't want to go out in the real world any more.
I started to self harm all the time. My wrists, my legs usually using a sharp pair of nail scissors or tweezers. It felt brilliant but awful at the same time. I had never self harmed before, why did I start now. I would hide it from my family meaning I covered up all the time, even in bed. Sex was a big no, no, I just ended up pushing him off or crying. I avoiding contact with everyone, even my best friends. I would get paranoid that everyone was against me and out to spy on me for him. I became a recluse, not going anywhere. My husband thought it would be nice to get a new cat after a while, he knew it would help to cheer me up. So we got Whiskey, a gorgeous stray from the Blue Cross. He was lovely and did cheer me up no end, but soon he became ill and six weeks later died. This broke my heart again and I thought God, was punishing me again. This made me worse and worse and I started to push the kids and J away. I would sometimes not get up, not shower and other days I would clean clean clean manic like and not stop. It is strange to look back, like it is not me. I felt like I was not me too. Soon the health visitors and parent support worker noticed this was more than Post Natal Depression and one finally sat down with me and asked. I broke down in tears and spilled the beans, showed her my cuts and my rape secret. Soon I was going to the doctors armed with PSW and was given some more anti depressants, a higher dose. I was sent for counselling and managed to get some of the stuff out.
Then my counselling was stopped as the severity of my depression was beyond the help of the NHS counselling and I was referred to the nearest Rape Crisis centre for counselling with professionals. During the time lapse between the counselling in August 2010, I got a text message whilst out in the garden with a friend. The message read;
Hey u. x
I knew it was him, it had been a year since he last contacted me and it hit me like a tun of bricks. I fell to my knees and dropped crying. My friend read the message and told me to tell J. I knew I had too as well, it was time. After she had left, I made a decision I could not go on any more I decided that I would take my own life. It was the only way out I could see. I was a crap mother, a crap wife, a crap friend, a cheating scum-bag wife and a liar. It was all too much. I took loads of paracetamol downed with a bottle of cider and schnapps mixed together. It was a thrilling experience and I felt brill about it. When J came back with the kids, he knew I was not right. I was laughing and saying bye bye all the time. I don't need to deal with this shit anymore kinda talk. His instincts kicked in and he drove me straight to the hospital Where after hours of tests and going in and out of sleep, they decided I had not done enough damage to kill myself. Damn it, how many pills did I need to bring me down?! It was then that I was assigned a Psychotherapist and was involved with the IHT team which meant Intensive Home Treatment. My worker would visit every day, and I was given the highest dose of anti depressants going as well as being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
All this happened and I managed to tell J what had triggered the suicide attempt. I showed J the message. He boiled. Then I admitted who it was, I told him he knew. He knew in his instincts, somewhere he knew, that he had blocked it out but he knew. He looked at me and guessed. He was right too, and I knew he had figured it out somewhere down the line. I told more to him and he was obviously hurt and destroyed by the lying and not telling him sooner. But he kept by my side bless him. I thought he would leave me, but he stayed. He gave up work to be my carer and take care of our princess, it was ok as I was still getting paid from work on maternity leave so one wage was still coming in at least. It felt good that he knew but it was hard, he wanted to go rip his head off. He even visited his house but he was on holiday, thank god. Soon though and predictable as TR was he made contact again via text. As I had not replied to his earlier text he did what he always did to get a response from me;
'I am targeting 3 new girls at B at the moment. They are HOT.x'
As I always do, I replied with who, what as my instinct to protect them was at a high. He replied with filth, and he told me he knew the name of my daughter and said the name was 'beautiful'. He then told me he had seen me, that my body had snapped back to its original form. This disturbed me so much, he had seen me? Oh Hell. I was paranoid. But I soon figured the link and it was someone at my Slimming World Group who worked for B too had gone back and mentioned something. I showed J the messages and this time J text the number back.
'LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE YOU FUCKING TWAT, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND THE MONEY YOU TOOK. LEAVE HER ALONE OR I WILL TELL YOUR WIFE'
He then tried ringing him but he never got a response. It was then I agreed to tell the police. An appointment was made to speak with the CID and they came round. I had my IHT support worker, my husband and my mother there for moral support as the policewoman took us through what would happen if I pressed charges etc. She explained that this visit was off record and informal but talk through what had happened. This was so hard to do in front of J and my mum but I managed it some how but I was vomiting by the end. I showed them the 'target' text and said I was worried for others. My IHT worker intervened that she thought I was so unstable that I would not be able to endure the police process at this time. My mother took minutes whilst my husband hugged me. When I finished I went to sleep for ages. When I awoke, my mother had written the minutes up and sent them to all my family members and friends to let them know! I was so shocked and it was such a betrayal of my confidence. I felt helpless and out of control. It was an awful feeling.
J agreed we could get another cat to cheer me up and this time agreed a kitten would be better and less liely to die. I loved my little scampi and he cheered me up so much. However when he was six months old he was run over and killed. That day I tried to commit suicide again, this time more so. I was rushed to hospital by ambulance - the account is in my writings during breakdown page.
Life had got low, lower than ever and now I was deep into the Rape Crisis Counselling. However, I would never ever hear from TR again. The police blocked my phone and put me under the POVA list. I was protected but it was only last week that I finally took the step to bring this man down, two and a half years from first telling the police and getting through the most difficult time of my life. I will write some more about how I got through it all and the affect it had on my husband, in which he is a victim too, not directly but he suffered a lot of pain and I had all the help in the world but he had non.
THANKS FOR READING. HERE IS A QUOTE FROM TODAY
SOME PEOPLE THINK TO BE STRONG IS NEVER FEEL PAIN. BUT IN REALITY IT IS THOSE THAT HAVE FELT IT, LIVED IT AND ACCEPTED IT THAT ARE THE STRONGEST OF ALL.
Best Wishes
Bethany xx
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