THE SECOND TIME

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS

In my last post I wrote about how I came to be a victim of rape and what actually happened the very first time, I was violated. This post will continue where I left off, and tell you of the next occasion and the aftermath of my decision not to tell anyone or report it.

So after the first time it happened, the harassment stopped. I went back to work and kept on going somehow. The immediate day after was Valentines day and my partner had given me a card and so had my son of 4. I placed them proudly on my desk at work, initially for TR to see, I would not usually have brought my cards to work but I felt I needed something to distract me and make me feel safe. TR didn't see it though,  I never saw him at all that day, I don't know if I was expecting too, having had him doing something everyday but no, it just went dead. No emails, No visits, No texts, No phone calls...it just went quiet. I didn't know how to feel about it at all, the silence was a relief but at the same time I was terrified. What was he plotting? What was his intentions now? Did he realise what he had done to me and felt guilty? Had he told anyone? It was awful just not knowing anything. For some reason I did something very unusual, I suppose it was the fear of everything. I sent him and email, the first time I had ever sent him first off, I can still remember what I put:

'Hi how are you? Look forget about the other day, I wont tell anyone, your secret is safe with me.'

What on earth I did that for I do not know, but I did. It did not receive a response. This made me more uneasy, but I just got on with it all. I saw him briefly during the two weeks after the first time. He was talking to someone on the stairs at work, I passed and he could not look me in the eye at all. I just wanted to forget about it all, things at home were a little cagey, my partner knew there was something I wasn't telling him but let me talk the lead on that and waited for me to open up. In this time, I had become a little confused, I wash washing all the time, and preening myself constantly, putting on make-up more so than normal and wearing nicer clothes and underwear. I would clean the house over and over, and keep music on all the time, driving, at home, in bed...I could not deal with silence because I would hear my thoughts.

The walk up Hellvellyn was approaching and I was getting nervous about it, everyone kept on about Striding Edge and how dangerous it was and everything but all I could think of was the fact that TR was the group leader and I would walking with him. Then he day came that I got an email from him, a week before Hellvellyn. The email however was generic and sent to all those concerned with the trip. He asked us all for our mobile numbers for safety and we had to send them to everyone who was going, a list would be written up and handed round. I understood the reasons at the time to be a safety thing but most of us had each others numbers anyway but we all obliged. In hindsight I see he was getting me to willing give me my number so he could not be seen to have stolen it from HR should I tell on him. Soon after I responded with my number, he emailed me back, privately this time.

'Sorry I not been in touch, I have had a busy couple of weeks with the new HR program. Ready for Hellvellyn?'

I gasped that he had sent this and had acted so normal. I realise now it was all a test, the silence, to see if I would actually say anything and the fact that I had responded to his number email and was still planning to do Hellvellyn spoke volumes to him. I really do not know why I even considered it to be honest. I suppose I wanted to carry on as normal, if I backed out someone might suspect something, and I was still battling over whether it actually happened like it did or not, trying to make sense of if I lured him in or wore something suggestive. Anyway, I did respond. I told him I was nervous about the trip and I hope I would not let myself down. It was normal conversation between two colleagues, nothing sinister or harassing  Just simple banter, it was nice, to feel back to normal. He was nice like he was when we first met, surely he did not really do that awful thing? I must have dreamt it up or maybe I wanted it? Maybe I did like him after all  Did I cheat on my partner? It all became very screwed up in my head.


The day of the walk came. I was nervous about all of it but drove to my work place early that Saturday on my scooter prepared for an eventful day. When we all met up outside B, we all kinda chatted over the route and what we would be doing, times and safety etc. We had three cars going I think, one TR was driving, another was SG and the other I cannot remember. As we sorted out who was going in which car, TR explained I would be with him in his car. My heart sank at this prospect as it seemed no one else was going in his car.As I got into the back of his car (the front was definitely off limits to me) another two people jumped in. S and I cannot remember the other, but a woman no doubt. I was relieved and kept quiet sat behind his chair. I took in the sights and often joined in the banter but I was conscious that he was eyeing me up through the mirror all the time.

When we got there off we went up the mountain pass and on and on and on. It seemed never ending and although I was thin and realitively healthy I was not that fit, so it shocked me that I raced ahead of the crowd, over striding edge and onto to the peak. I was first up there, first to see the stunning view which promptly put me in my place. I felt so small, so insignificant up there. It was beautiful, the view the feeling of what I ahd achieved. I was there and I did it. I took it all in, I barely thought much about the other stuff, I tired not too. I was desperately trying to act normal around him and everyone else. Soon he appeared on the peak, he claimed he had been helping S who had second thoughts and turned back on striding edge. I decided I had spent enough time on the peak and started my descent.

I loved being sat in the pub on route back, outside with a pint in hand, waiting for them to all catch up. It was a nice feeling that I had done it all and I survived. I knew it grieved him that he spent little time with me on the trip, I could see it made him angry and that made me smile all the more. I had taken control off him for a short time and it felt good. We all talked over our time up there and did some party tricks, me being me did my famous I can walk on my ankles trick which freaked everyone out. I also gave myself a full back and shoulder massage in front of everyone which again raised a few eyebrows. I am an extremely flexible woman and it really does make people stare. I don't know why this felt good, but people liked me and we all bonded on what we had achieved. I was now officially part of the B gang, and no longer the new girl.

The way home was much like the way there, it felt quicker as it always does. There was some banter in the car about sex, which felt a little uncomfortable but I ignored it all the same. I remember he talked a lot about his wife and little girl. When we got back to work it was late and I was so tired. The prospect of driving my scooter back was hell but a nesscaity. As I approached my scooter and my started to put on my overalls, his car drove over to me. Everyone had gone now and it was just him and me in the car park. He ushered me over to the car window. I went over, he asked if I needed a lift home. had it of been someone else, I would have accepted but I just couldn't bring myself to get in the car alone with him never mind how tired and achy I was. He said suit yourself and drove off. I got on my scooter and tried to start it, it would not start. I tried again and again but it would not go. This made me slink down to the pavement and cry. I was exhausted and I wanted to get home to my boys. I then got a message from him on my mobile, saying something like this:

'Shame you didn't want a lift, I could have given you a pressie I have for you. I missed not speaking to you today. I want to talk to you. '

I didn't respond and tried my scooter again and again. In the end I gave up and tried ringing my partner  who was asleep and not picking up. He would not of been able to to come get me anyway as our son would have been asleep. I responded to his message with something like:

'Are you still in area? As my bike wont start and I need a lift.'

He did respond but claimed he was in the chippy getting food for himself, hang on. I then tried my scooter again and low and behold it worked!!! And I was off in a flash. I never got another message that night and I slunk into bed with my partner back home with a smile.

Two months went by and he continued to send me emails and texts and phone calls. During this time I became quite promiscuous with my husband. Wanting sex all the time, and doing stuff I would not of ordinarily done. Such as dancing in sexy lingerie, impulsive sex anywhere in the house, rude texts and all sorts. My partner didn't question my behaviour why would he? He was having great fun and sex! Most of the messages from TR were suggestive or romantic. At times he would say stuff really gross and other times he would be nice and flattering. I always seemed to respond, and to this day I not sure why. I think responding kept him off my back, if I played his little game, he would not come up to me physically at work, he would stay away and keep the whole undercover thing going, which suited me better than touching me up at work or worse yet. If I failed to respond he would ring, if I failed to respond again he would find an excuse either work related or something else to get back in touch. He would always ask me about my wedding plans and if he was invited. He said he could not fantasising about me in a white wedding gown and doing me at the wedding. IT was all pretty seedy stuff. He sent photo messages and video of him wanking, of his cock and other stuff and expected me to do the same. I usually lied and said I was not at home or out somewhere, or better yet with my husband. He would ask me to picture my boobs and send it and ask me to wank and film we saying his name over and over. I never did, but I did contemplate it. Sometimes it was even a turn on? How on earth it was like that I don't know. Instead I would make the videos and photos and send them to my partner. It made me feel like I wasn't cheating or anything and yet I got the sexiness out of my system. TR was affecting me someway and I could not see why this was? It made me feel worse about it all, how could I report it all now? It seemed I had coerced in talking to him, I had responded to him sometimes and was friendly to him in front of others at work. Mind you he was like a jeckell and hyde, inf ront of others he was charming, and over texts like a friend then BAM switch would come on and he would change, he would be sexual in someway if we were alone at work and his texts would become quite disgusting. He told me that no one got him like I did. That I was his only hope, his only true love. His soul mate. I understood what he liked and I knew him like no one else, even more so than his wife. I remember the text that read:

We really do love each other don't we? I wish we could be together. We are so alike you and me.

I responded to this text with I will never leave J and I am getting married, maybe we are a like, I don't know.

I was confused and shocked by his confession but considered it was another way to reel me in, he had not seen me to touch or anything for a while. I had made sure that I was unavailable or out or just not around whenever he tried to suggest meeting up.


The most difficult part of my working day would be arriving. Everyday I would have to walk past his office and his door would be open peering from behind his desk. He would know I was in work, what I was wearing an where I was heading. If I was to go into the interview room alone it was opposite his room. If I was to go into the break room I had to pass the doorway again. He had full trace on me at all times. So I stared to take time off work. For sickness, for stress, my work ability was reducing and it was becoming noticeable. I kept blaming it on the wedding but I was starting to crack a little under the pressure.

Another walk had been arranged for May, somewhere else in the lake district I think it was for Scarfell Pike. I was a little apprehensive and said no this time, but all the other members of the gang pushed me to do it, after all it was smaller than the last one and I was one of the best at it. I signed up again reluctantly this time. It was scheduled for May 26th the day after my mums birthday.

A month prior to the walk, i stared sending out my invitations for my July wedding. TR kept asking if he was invited, saying it MUST be. I had my guest list all sorted and only family and close friends would be coming to the actual wedding. This included some of my more close friends from work too. The evening do had a little more broader scope of guests, and this included some more people from work, including TRs close colleagues and  this caused some confusion in my eyes. I did not want to invite him to my wedding, I kept thinking of what he said about me in my dress but by this time he had built up a rapport with me in the office in front of everyone claiming I was his 'bessie'. If I did not  invite him people would ask why not, and yet I did not want him to go. Even my partner when he looked at the list asked why TR was not on it knowing that I had taken some calls from him, and he had even met him outside my work when picking me up once or twice. I brushed it off that I had forgotten him and added him to the list. I remember writing his name on the invite in calligraphy. I wrote it several times, I always messed it up. I remember just giving in and writing it different from the rest. I handed them out but passed his to another IT developer to pass on. So that's how he got invited to what was meant to be the best day of my life.

Prior to this though was the walk and it was fast approaching. I carried on at work as normal and got on with stuff the best way I knew how, I had learned how to cope with his harassment and knew that telling someone at work was not really an option, he had been clever to disguise himself and our relationship at a platonic friendship which was obvious to all. I contemplated telling my boss, but I saw she was under a lot of pressure as the structure at work was changing. I had started to avoid him more so now, I had built up a way to protect myself from him during works hours, as I requested to change my desk so that I could no face the open plan entrance  meaning I could shift off if I caught a glimpse of him. Of course, my computer always went wrong though. I sometimes would ask a colleague if they were passing IT to ask one of the them to come down to fix it, I never wanted to go there myself. I always hoped that it would be the lady IT woman who would come. One day however, I had been avoiding the emails and messages for while as I had just about had enough now and I had also ignored the generic messages about the walk next week. My computer froze all of a sudden and there was no one else around but my boss, who was no way gonna trek to IT for me. I tried to get on doing paperwork but I needed my computer, admin always needs a computer. I could see my boss was looking over as I was getting frustrated as to what to do and she ushered me to IT. Damn it. I went as slow as possible, nerves a plenty. As I approached the doorway to the IT department I saw him, sat there legs up, arms crossed.

'Hello my dear, having problems with the computer again?' No one else was in the room, it was my late shift and most people had left. I cringed a 'Yeah, funny that, it keeps happening a lot recently'.

He smiled. 'Well I better take a look at the server (blar blar blar technical jargon I could not understand) and got up and started to walk to a door which lead behind the office. I had no idea what was in there, I had never been in, I just thought it was where they did all the technical stuff. He then said 'you will have to come in here and tell me the problem, I need to look at the (something something) if this keeps happening a lot.'

I was suspicious to say the least but not wanting to dispute his actions I walked toward the door, he had opened it and was ushering me forward. He then said 'have you ever seen the (blar blar) its beautiful, this is the room where all my works pays off, the room where it all happens'

As I walked towards the door he grabbed my arm and thrust me inside. He shut the door behind me and locked it! He pinned me up against the door, my head hit a coat hanger or something on the back of it, it may have caught my shirt a little do as I felt a little strangled. I had clocked the emergency glass door exit to my right and in my head thought that was my escape route. Also it was a pure window to the open world, he would be seen doing something here. He saw me look over, and pulled me away from the exit. I was laughing somewhat, I think it was nerves. I kept saying 'no, TR, not here, we will be caught, no, I can't really, I can't'. I tried to be nice about it!! Why I do not know. I should have screamed in hindsight but I was reacting how I had always reacted to things I did not want to do, be nice and calm and try to get out of it somehow, until I give in, and I always give in. I knew at this point I was trapped, that I was stuck with him in here. He lifted me from the doorway with my legs wrapped around him, he was holding them there I was carried over the wires and cables lying all over the floor past two lanes of massive computers with flashy lights and loud noises like a generator. It was noisy and musty in there and very dark. At the back of the room he pinned me against the end of one of the computers which went up to the ceiling. It was then I flopped to the ground, I not sure why, I just went limp. It was silly really, I thought that it would save me somehow if I curled up in a ball but no, He undid his zip and out came his penis, hard and upright. My head was down trying to avoid the thing in front of my face, he said 'Look what I got for you', he kept trying to lift my face up from my chin. I resisted for a while but he was quite strong and eventually my head had to come up. In a split second it was in my mouth and he was shoving it in as far as it could go, thrusting and making me gag. I remember I could barely breath as my nose had always been blocked with polyps and I was getting quite light headed and faint. He noticed I was not participating but it did not matter, he pulled out and I gasped for air. I was weakened by the five minutes or more of little oxygen. He pulled me up, I was floppy at this point and a little dazed. He pulled up my skirt and peeled down my tights. I was still a little weak but I remember trying to make it as hard as possible by squirming. At this point he said that 'he like me struggling, keep doing that, oh that's so good, it turns me on so much, I want to dominate you completely, submit to me now'. I could not quite understand what I was hearing, he wanted me to struggle more and shout, bite anything and with this I stopped dead. I didn't want to turn him on anymore, so I gave up. He kept shoving his tongue in my mouth and his fingers were now up me, he kept saying how he liked how wet I was, it made him know I was enjoying myself. I may have been wet but it was likely I was ovulating rather than being turned on!!! It was painful not pleasurable. He then managed to slip his penis inside me, it was difficult cause I made it so, I kept putting my legs straight and he kept lifting them up. In the end he kept one leg up and the went for it till he came in me. When it was done he zipped up and I sorted myself out, I was swollen and covered in his spunk. I felt so cheap and dirty. He then led me to the door again and place me behind it, I did anything at this point, totally in shock of what had happened again. He unlocked the door and ventured out into the room, he then locked the door again with me inside. I could hear him chatting to someone out there. He asked them to get him a tea or something from the break room and off they went. he unlocked the door and came in, he planted a kiss on me and said 'time to go and ssssh be a good girl'.

I waled out bewildered and most obviously messed up. I kind of wandered out of the room in silence. He shouted behind me as the other colleague returned with tea ' your computer will be working fine now, any more problems just come back and we can take a look again'. I just kept on walking. I walked back to my desk, I could see my other colleague look at me again strangely, I was trying to hold back tears. I ran off to the loos. She came in and asked if I was ok? I was wiping off the spunk from my tights and knickers and sobbing  'I'm fine, honestly, i just not feeling too well, I must have a cold coming or something' and she left. I came out and decided I would leave a little early than my shift was up to but I didn't care, I just went. Thats was Friday the 18th of May and I had the next week of work due to half term to recover. But then there was the walk the next Saturday.

I went on the walk, my partner said it would do me some good and I was still trying to back out up to the last minute. In fact I tired to get my partner to come with me, but he was reluctant and we needed someone to watch our boy. So I went, but this time TR was not driving, he was a passenger. I was able to get in the car with SG this time so I did not have to sit with him at all. I sat in the front and he was in the back on the way there. His best friend CP was in there too and it was all a jolly good trip there. When we arrived we all realised that the weather was not acceptable for Scarfell Pike so wandered around teh nearest town for a bit and took a smaller ramble instead. I was in a mood the whole time and it was noticeable  my manager was also present and saw me as a bit rude and tried to exert her authority over me despite the fact that we were not at work. I called my partner in tears, but then he calmed me down and I made sure I talked so loudly to him that TR would hear me telling my partner how much I missed him and wished he was here. I kept telling him how much I loved him etc etc. When I finished TR said in a mood also 'I do believe you are trying to make me jealous' I was I suppose.

I backed out of the ramble half way round, my shoulders were killing from carrying the bag on them and mainly because they were still stiff and bruised from the thrashing with TR the week before. The journey home was different, CP had taken the front seat and I was left with TR in the back. He had brought a blanket to cover us up as the car had no heating in it and we were to be fair all wet and cold. The blanket however shielded the unimaginable things he was doing to me underneath from the pair in thr front and in a car there is not a lot you can do. I kept my mouth shut and as he stroked and played and wanked off next to whilst holding a conversation with the two in the front I never know, but he did.

 I did not return to work on the Monday for a week. And when I returned I had to have a health review because I had had so many days off it had hit a low percentage or something. So I had to speak to HR and I told them a few things they probably didn't believe.


I WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW, THIS IS A LONG ONE SO I AM SORRY FOR THAT.

Peace to you.

Bethany xxx