Again I start this with an apology. I am sorry that I am not writing as frequent as I would like but time and energy does not permit me so at the moment. Its funny though as writing has made me 'live' again and its not because I am writing on here but I am writing my books again, after years of writers block. I feel whole again and that's not because of The Big Reunion and the fact that Atomic Kitten are singing it but because I feel me, for the first time in a long time. You will understand this if you have ever suffered depression because one of the things that really got me was the fact that I would look in the mirror and not recognise myself but recently I have, I can see me again, the woman and I was and the woman I am now and the woman I mean to be.
So I have wound up the abuse side of my story and why my life took a turn for the worst when I met TR. Now I want to concentrate on the aftermath and the way that I reacted to such trauma the way I did and basically left it till last month to actually come forward to the police. I must also add here that it has been two weeks today since I spent 7 hours in what felt like prison giving a statement, and as of yet TR has not been arrested and I have not been contacted by the police since. I've rang and left messages at the officers involved desk, to no response. I have also rang Victim Support who says they have not had my details reffered yet (which means there is no case as of yet to get support for). I have rung WAR women against rape who I downloaded the most wonderful booklet about the police process so I thought just maybe they could help. The woman at the end of the line had no idea really, and said she would ask a member of staff to ring me back. That was four days ago. It seems that society knocks you back everywhere you turn. I cant get support from my orginal worker as I am better now, although I could get bad again during this process I slip in the middle which is basically nowhere. I fit in no-ones service at the moment but my own. So my own it is, I've gone it alone before so whats the difference? I need to make it clear that this is how a woman is treated for coming forward, and they wonder why we dont, because we have a sixth sense that tells us, errr you know what, you are going to make me feel worse than I already do, why bother?! Well, thats up to strength I think and I have to stand tall my head high and say 'DAMN IT EVERYONE I WAS RAPED STOP SHUTTING ME UP, SHUT THE FUCKER WHO DID THIS TOO ME UP' god the silence is the worst of it all. No one talks to you about it, like its rotten or something. Maybe think they might get infected or something, like its contagious. Even my bestest friends dont say anything, they just wash over it, I dont even know if they believe me or not. Are they then my friends? Well that's up for debate.
Anyway enough moaning in the present, back to the breakdown. When I gave birth to my daughter, I could not tell you how I felt. I had had a son before, I knew the wave of love that comes, the utter gorgeousness of holding something you have made. I also knew the reality of late nights, sick and poo which seems to pop up all over your furniture and clothes. I had no rose tinted glasses on, I knew what to expect. But it didn't arrive. The immediate love at least and the late nights swam into day, I never knew if it was night or day but I was awake all the time. She was gorgeous, and I did love her but something was wrong, not with her with me. I, like everyone else put it down to the fact that I had 'just had a baby' and that my cat had died unexpectedly whilst I was giving birth. I was miserable for weeks after, and my baby was difficult, extremely difficult. She cried all the time, she curled up in pain. She only ever slept for 30 mins tops and would take another hour and a half to get back off. She would only then sleep if it was silent, the slightest creep would wake her. She is still the same now. I was exhausted and haunted.
Every time I slept if I slept, I saw TR's face. He was always dressed as he was The First Time. White shirt, grey trousers. Sometimes the dreams were flashback dreams, bits I had forgotten and then things I had not seen. I witnessed each rape as myself, a fly on the wall and as my husband and his wife. I even was TR in my dreams looking at the image of me. Flashbacks came vividly and usually would be the first or second time rapes. Other times I would dream of being his wife, as myself in a nice loving dream. Mostly though I had this recurring dream that I would report him, and when I did he was questioned then set free. No one believed me. He would then come after me, and kidnap me. He would lock me in the basement of his house, his wife and child upstairs. I would be tied to a beam naked sat on an old mattress Bare, cold and dirty. He would visit me at times and leave me food. But I could only have food if he could fuck me. He would untie me and anally rape me, cum on my face and spit and smack me. It sounds like a bad porno or something but this was my fears. I know that this dream was part of mixed memories of watching an episode of Eastenders (to which I never watch) about a nasty man locking his wife in the house next doors basement and grooming her. This episode was aired round the time I was raped so it was vivid in my mind although Eastenders version was tame in comparison to my own. This nightmare fed my whole world. I was paranoid this would become reality. That I would end up alone and dirty in that cell, with only him to speak to and to comfort me. Lost to others and a slave to TR. I began not wanting to sleep. I hated dreaming and thinking of him all the time. I hated him, I really did but he possessed my every thought like poison, like love.
If I did catch any sleep, I would wake up screaming and sweating. My husband would comfort me and calm me, but sometimes I would push him away thinking it was TR and screaming for help. The kids would wake and it would take my husband most the night to recover them from the event let alone me who would up cleaning instead. The health visitors had realised something was not right and quite rightly so made an appointment for the doctors. I was put on 10mg of Sertraline and put on my way, despite the fact they knew my history they still thought I was only suffering with Post Natel Depression. I began to push everyone away. Somedays I would not talk, some days I just cried. I could not see any light only black. My husband did not know how to cope and reached out for help again. This time the doctors increased my dose, appointed me a parent support worker and a counsellor. This helped for a time, he even got me a new cat to cheer me up. But the cat died after six weeks. I felt cursed. The more I got sick so did my baby and I was the only one who knew she was ill too. It took five months for someone to realise that she had severe burns down her throat and in her stomach due to the fact she was allergic to milk protein, including breast milk. Thats why she cried so much and did not sleep. When she was diagnosed, we were in hospital. Thats when I was left alone to shower one morning. As I did I saw my own reflection in the mirror. I was naked and dirty. I began scrubbing. I looked again, and the dirt was still there. I was fat and my belly looked swollen, there were strecth marks too. I began to scrub the stretch marks as if they were streaks of mud, scrubbing as hard as I could. I scrubbed my c section scar, it looked filthy and wrong. I kept scrubbing and I began freaking out too when the mark would not come off. I kept going an going and screaming at the 'mud' to go away. My husabnd heard me and walked in. By this time I was red raw from head to toe and bleeding around my mid section heavily. The blood looked like mud to me, and I rejoiced in seeing it flush down the drain.
J quit work after that. He no longer thought I could watch a young baby alone nor take care of myself. Luckily we still had my maternity wage for a year so it wasn't too bad financially. He didn't trust me alone, nor did my family. I had begun inflicting pain on myself at any given moment. My wrists were covered in slashes and I was binge eating. I would sit all day staring into space or rocketting around and cleaning manically. J did not understand and it was only when I said to him in a fit of tears 'I want to die. Its the only way out' that things started to get worse for him.
I tried to take my life, I said before. It was the most thrilling and most blackened day ever. After I had recovered and sickened that I had not managed to actually kill myself. I lay on the bed crying. J asked me 'why?'
I replied 'because of him'
'who is he?' he still did not know his name at this point.
'I will tell you, but you will leave me, you wont want me anymore if you knew what I do, therefore I cannot live with myself.'
'I will never leave you, never, I love you'
'You know who it was J, I know you do'
He sat and thought for a while. 'Are you sure?'
'look into your heart, search your instincts, I know you know somewhere in you'
He looked at me and said this 'I can only think of one name and I could be wrong but was it (TR)'
I nodded. The relief was immense but I could see his pain. And that alone made things so much more vivid to me. I had tried to avoid this, tried to protect him but I had failed. I was no longer strong enough to do so. I was no longer strong enough to have a husband, nor kids. I was a failure in my eyes. A slave and a slut to TR in every sense for I had protected him for far too long too. I was broken and my reality was not a reality I wanted to be in. J needed time to process this information, I was convinced it was the end. Of course J had always thought TR was my savior my protector at work, the fact he was the perpetrator was too much. He had shook hands with him and shared wine. He had trusted him to a degree but somewhere he knew it was not right. I had built up such a lovely story around TR that who was J to dispute that? But now I was telling him the complete opposite and I could see it was tough on him. By now and with the suicide every body had got involved from parents to doctors, to therapists to counselors to hospitals to social services, I was smothered in help. But it didn't help, not much anyway. I was still not sleeping, I refused to and I was still self harming. My husband who had always been susceptible to drinking when in a tough situation started to drink every day and night. More and more. He was not getting any help at all, he was lost in the fact that I was the damaged one, but in reality we both victims to TR.
Our relationship got worse. Arguments and debates. He even asked if our daughter was his or TR's. He knew the answer already but he did not want to hear it so stopped me from answering. He wanted to leave, I new he did but how does someone leave his wife when they are already as low as possible. He felt guilty that I would try and kill myself again, or that I others (who did not know the facts) would see him as 'the bastard who left his wife and kids whilst his wife was ill'. He did not want to be labelled, he did not want to leave me with the kids, quite rightly so and yet he needed out, it was killing him too.
If I was not dreaming of TR he was in my every waking thought. I began to wonder if I actually was 'in love' with him. The idea of sending him to prison made me psychically sick to my stomach. The thought of him being arrested because of me, sent me wild in fear. What would he think of me? What would he do when he knew it was me that dobbed him in? Would he think we were friends, that I should not betray him like that? Maybe I shouldn't betray after all he took care of me in my time of need, unlike my husband. I wanted to see him, I admit it. I needed to see him face to face but the decision was bad, I knew it was wrong to want to see TR, to be close. To watch him, to keep him in sight. Like the person I needed most was TR, the one that when I broke before knew my pain and cuddled me close and stroked my head till it all went away. I hated him but I loved him too? This was the biggest mind fucker of them all. I loved my husband that I know but TR had consumed me so much I was beginning to doubt myself and this pushed me beyond my limits. At one point I think I even drove to his house, I wanted to see it and I wanted to expose him, remind him I still knew the truth, but hoped that he would offer me some resolution at the same time. Thankfully I did not see him on my visit but the fact I went spoke volumes.
Friends all knew now, to a degree, bystanders such as playground mothers and neighbours all just thought I had post natal depression. I kept to myself and never left the house. I put on weight and stayed in bed. All the time J stayed with me, and I thank him for doing so as god knows how much strength that took and how much courage to not go and report TR himself or kill him. But his drinking got worse and my paranoia grew. Soon we were far from the couple we had been and I was barely even human.
I AM GOING TO STOP THERE AS I NEED TO SLEEP. I WILL WRITE AGAIN ON THIS TOMORROW. I PROMISE.
Night All.
xxxxx
Thursday, 14 March 2013
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
BABY BOOM WITH A BANG
I am so sorry to have been so long in writing this post. I have been recovering from the awfulness that was the police interview just under a week ago. It lasted 7.5 hours, and was completely draining.
Anyway it seems that from my statistics that someone is reading this, so please comment if you have anything to say even if its bad. I appreciate anything that is said good or bad because this is life!
So at the end of my last post I told you how I paid off TR and I have not seen him in person since. But yes, he has haunted me ever since. After our last encounter, me and J went into full swing with the IVF route. J was scheduled to have a special operation at the beginning of May and throughout April I was on fertility drugs to make me produce more eggs in preparation. My husband and I had relaxed about when and where, what temperature and timing when it came to sex and I remember that one evening (still haunted by the last time with TR) I pulled J onto the dining room table and we had sex then and there in between cooking our dinner! Both encounters with TR in my own house, I replaced with a memory of me and my husband doing the same. It felt like I could wipe that memory clean.
By the time that May came, I had been feeling queasy and felt I was coming down with something. I decided to go to the doctor and as usual they did the usual 'Could you be pregnant?' scenario as with all women who feel a little off. I said 'no,no way, we are going through IVF at the moment'. She replied that it did not matter, if we are having unprotected sex there is still a chance. So we did a test, which came out positive! I was shell shocked and could not believe it. I was so happy, the tears would not stop. I left the docs and called J, with whom I said come home I have something to tell you. I did not want this to happen over the phone, after all this time I wanted to see his face. I then went and bought the most expensive reliable tests I could because I still was not convinced. I bought a gift for my son, because I was so happy and I bought some 'new baby' baby grows for J. When I got home I did three more tests. On the digital ones that tell you how long you are pregnant and says positive or negative. Each one said positive and about three to four weeks along! This went back to the dining table time. I took a deep breath and wrapped one of the tests in a baby grow and put it in a gift box, wrapped with J name on. As soon as he arrived home, placed on the dining table was the box. He looked at me confused, he was worried. He knew that I had been to the doctors and was a little apprehensive as to what was wrong with me. I told him to unwrap the present and then we could talk.
I will never ever forget his face and the baby grow unravelled and the test popped out. His face, stared at it for ages and he burst into tears. 'Really?' he looked at me and I nodded also in tears. He ran over to me and picked me up and swung me round. Finally we had our moment of pure happiness, it was such a good feeling. Lil man was running round blissfully unaware of our tearful moment however savouring his new toy I had bought him. It was what they call a perfect moment.
The pregnancy was not without complications, I had chronic morning sickness more like 24 hour 7 days a week sickness. I wasn't even sick, it was just nausea. Awful. I was tired beyond tired, and soon I realised I would have to tell my employers with whom I had been avoiding telling for as long as possible. I was timing it all perfectly. I wanted to be well pregnant before word got back to TR so he would not be compelled to seek me out whilst I didn't have a bump. The bump was the sign, the obvious thing that would totally put him off. By June I told work and within about a two weeks word had got back to TR. Soon I got a message through on my phone. My new phone, as I had changed it again as I always did, trying to avoid him messaging me. The message read;
Hey u, how are u?x
I knew that it was him. The tell tale sign of the one kiss at the end and the begininning hey u which he always used after time had passed. I ignored the message, but it rang in my head constantly. I kept looking at the message, and then looking at my phone to check there was no more. I felt compelled to confirm what he had probably heard but I held off, I knew messaging him was a bad decision. One I could not help but consider. Eventually old habits kicked in and I messaged him back.
Fine, u?
'Yeah ok. Hows life?x'
I don't know if you heard but I am pregnant.
Fab, how far along?
I lied when I answered this, I made myself further along so I would be seem to be in full swing, and with a bigger bump.
'right, well I would still fuck you.x'
I had underestimated the level of his addiction and it pang badly. I was again at risk!!! It was an awful feeling. I didnt reply but he messaged again.
'Remember the last time on the dining room table?x
Oh hell, I had tried to erase it. My complacency My payment. Oh bugger, as the memories flooded in. I never responded again and more messages came, one after the other. The content unworthy of a mention as it was pure filth for a pregnant woman to endure. I got on with life but with his recent contact I got nervous about being home alone again and started to convince my husband that I wanted to move house. I became obsessed with this now. My lovely large country house, was compromised. I wanted to run and hide before he could reach me. I complained to my husband that the house was unsuitable for a baby. The spare room was cold, the bathroom was damp and the quarry tilling was dangerous. It was not hard to see that this was nothing far from the truth but underneath I needed to get out badly. The place had too many bad memories for me now and I wanted out. In a bid to stick with our country lifestyle, we looked at a house further down the hill, same village but in a larger house which had no damp. We contemplated it for ages and got the keys and took family round. In fact when we were in with my dad we told him we were pregnant whilst in the living room. Even our cats followed us down and walked round it! We negotiated a deal but then I got cold feet, it was not far enough away, it was a lovely house I loved it more so than ours but it would not take long before a few drives by TR through the village would see the cars and figure it out. No, we had to move into the town, blend with the environment. Hide. So we looked around and we found our now house. It was perfect for schools and not to near the centre. A nice suburb which was quiet and well respected area. A large garden too so we were straight into negotiations and soon we moved in. I was safe, happy and blooming.
The happiness didn't last and soon I was under investigation at work for something ridiculous I got quite stressed and sick with the disciplinary but was soon cleared of the allegation But I felt knocked by work and could not bring myself to go back to work. I was getting more and more depressed as I stayed at home and memories built up. Soon I could not walk, I don't carry well and I got Symphis Pubis Dysfunction where my pubic bone kept slipping from my pelvis causing loads of pain. I was in a wheelchair for the last trimester of pregnancy and then it got unbearable so they thought it wise to deliver at 37 weeks via c section.
I gave birth at the beginning of December to a beautiful baby girl to the delight of my husband, son and family. I on the other hand could not take it in and I felt wrong. I was not handling new motherhood well even though I thought I would considering I loved every minute with my son but my baby girl was sick and cried all the time. I could not sleep at all. My precious cat died on the day she was born and no one told me until I got home and asked where she was. It knocked me for six. I just could not cope with anything any more.
As the new year came and went I got worse and worse. It didn't help that our daughter was sick all the time. She would cry constantly, and never slept for more than half an hour. I felt overweight and unattractive and started to neglect myself more and more. We were in and out of hospital with our princess, trying to work out what was wrong. They kept making out I was an over reacting mother but I knew something was wrong. It was in hospital whilst our princess was in again that I went for a shower in the private bathroom we had. It was more a wet room and I could see myself in the shower. As I stared I felt crap and all of a sudden I burst into tears and started to rip at my skin with my fingernails. It felt like I was in the wrong body, the wrong skin and I had to get it off. It was a weird experience, one that was interrupted by my husband who heard my franticness from the room. He calmed me down and looked at the wounds on my hips and belly. It was then that he thought it best to get some help. He told my midwife and health visitor and they figured I had post natal depression. My love for our princess was distorted to I did not want to be left with her or anything. It was awful to feel that way about a baby I so desperately wanted. I was put on a low dose of anti depressants and given a parent support worker. After a time though things got worse, I couldn't sleep at all, and when I was given the opportunity, I would wake up screaming from flashbacks to the rape. I would shake violently and didn't want to go out in the real world any more.
I started to self harm all the time. My wrists, my legs usually using a sharp pair of nail scissors or tweezers. It felt brilliant but awful at the same time. I had never self harmed before, why did I start now. I would hide it from my family meaning I covered up all the time, even in bed. Sex was a big no, no, I just ended up pushing him off or crying. I avoiding contact with everyone, even my best friends. I would get paranoid that everyone was against me and out to spy on me for him. I became a recluse, not going anywhere. My husband thought it would be nice to get a new cat after a while, he knew it would help to cheer me up. So we got Whiskey, a gorgeous stray from the Blue Cross. He was lovely and did cheer me up no end, but soon he became ill and six weeks later died. This broke my heart again and I thought God, was punishing me again. This made me worse and worse and I started to push the kids and J away. I would sometimes not get up, not shower and other days I would clean clean clean manic like and not stop. It is strange to look back, like it is not me. I felt like I was not me too. Soon the health visitors and parent support worker noticed this was more than Post Natal Depression and one finally sat down with me and asked. I broke down in tears and spilled the beans, showed her my cuts and my rape secret. Soon I was going to the doctors armed with PSW and was given some more anti depressants, a higher dose. I was sent for counselling and managed to get some of the stuff out.
Then my counselling was stopped as the severity of my depression was beyond the help of the NHS counselling and I was referred to the nearest Rape Crisis centre for counselling with professionals. During the time lapse between the counselling in August 2010, I got a text message whilst out in the garden with a friend. The message read;
Hey u. x
I knew it was him, it had been a year since he last contacted me and it hit me like a tun of bricks. I fell to my knees and dropped crying. My friend read the message and told me to tell J. I knew I had too as well, it was time. After she had left, I made a decision I could not go on any more I decided that I would take my own life. It was the only way out I could see. I was a crap mother, a crap wife, a crap friend, a cheating scum-bag wife and a liar. It was all too much. I took loads of paracetamol downed with a bottle of cider and schnapps mixed together. It was a thrilling experience and I felt brill about it. When J came back with the kids, he knew I was not right. I was laughing and saying bye bye all the time. I don't need to deal with this shit anymore kinda talk. His instincts kicked in and he drove me straight to the hospital Where after hours of tests and going in and out of sleep, they decided I had not done enough damage to kill myself. Damn it, how many pills did I need to bring me down?! It was then that I was assigned a Psychotherapist and was involved with the IHT team which meant Intensive Home Treatment. My worker would visit every day, and I was given the highest dose of anti depressants going as well as being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
All this happened and I managed to tell J what had triggered the suicide attempt. I showed J the message. He boiled. Then I admitted who it was, I told him he knew. He knew in his instincts, somewhere he knew, that he had blocked it out but he knew. He looked at me and guessed. He was right too, and I knew he had figured it out somewhere down the line. I told more to him and he was obviously hurt and destroyed by the lying and not telling him sooner. But he kept by my side bless him. I thought he would leave me, but he stayed. He gave up work to be my carer and take care of our princess, it was ok as I was still getting paid from work on maternity leave so one wage was still coming in at least. It felt good that he knew but it was hard, he wanted to go rip his head off. He even visited his house but he was on holiday, thank god. Soon though and predictable as TR was he made contact again via text. As I had not replied to his earlier text he did what he always did to get a response from me;
'I am targeting 3 new girls at B at the moment. They are HOT.x'
As I always do, I replied with who, what as my instinct to protect them was at a high. He replied with filth, and he told me he knew the name of my daughter and said the name was 'beautiful'. He then told me he had seen me, that my body had snapped back to its original form. This disturbed me so much, he had seen me? Oh Hell. I was paranoid. But I soon figured the link and it was someone at my Slimming World Group who worked for B too had gone back and mentioned something. I showed J the messages and this time J text the number back.
'LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE YOU FUCKING TWAT, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND THE MONEY YOU TOOK. LEAVE HER ALONE OR I WILL TELL YOUR WIFE'
He then tried ringing him but he never got a response. It was then I agreed to tell the police. An appointment was made to speak with the CID and they came round. I had my IHT support worker, my husband and my mother there for moral support as the policewoman took us through what would happen if I pressed charges etc. She explained that this visit was off record and informal but talk through what had happened. This was so hard to do in front of J and my mum but I managed it some how but I was vomiting by the end. I showed them the 'target' text and said I was worried for others. My IHT worker intervened that she thought I was so unstable that I would not be able to endure the police process at this time. My mother took minutes whilst my husband hugged me. When I finished I went to sleep for ages. When I awoke, my mother had written the minutes up and sent them to all my family members and friends to let them know! I was so shocked and it was such a betrayal of my confidence. I felt helpless and out of control. It was an awful feeling.
J agreed we could get another cat to cheer me up and this time agreed a kitten would be better and less liely to die. I loved my little scampi and he cheered me up so much. However when he was six months old he was run over and killed. That day I tried to commit suicide again, this time more so. I was rushed to hospital by ambulance - the account is in my writings during breakdown page.
Life had got low, lower than ever and now I was deep into the Rape Crisis Counselling. However, I would never ever hear from TR again. The police blocked my phone and put me under the POVA list. I was protected but it was only last week that I finally took the step to bring this man down, two and a half years from first telling the police and getting through the most difficult time of my life. I will write some more about how I got through it all and the affect it had on my husband, in which he is a victim too, not directly but he suffered a lot of pain and I had all the help in the world but he had non.
THANKS FOR READING. HERE IS A QUOTE FROM TODAY
SOME PEOPLE THINK TO BE STRONG IS NEVER FEEL PAIN. BUT IN REALITY IT IS THOSE THAT HAVE FELT IT, LIVED IT AND ACCEPTED IT THAT ARE THE STRONGEST OF ALL.
Best Wishes
Bethany xx
Anyway it seems that from my statistics that someone is reading this, so please comment if you have anything to say even if its bad. I appreciate anything that is said good or bad because this is life!
So at the end of my last post I told you how I paid off TR and I have not seen him in person since. But yes, he has haunted me ever since. After our last encounter, me and J went into full swing with the IVF route. J was scheduled to have a special operation at the beginning of May and throughout April I was on fertility drugs to make me produce more eggs in preparation. My husband and I had relaxed about when and where, what temperature and timing when it came to sex and I remember that one evening (still haunted by the last time with TR) I pulled J onto the dining room table and we had sex then and there in between cooking our dinner! Both encounters with TR in my own house, I replaced with a memory of me and my husband doing the same. It felt like I could wipe that memory clean.
By the time that May came, I had been feeling queasy and felt I was coming down with something. I decided to go to the doctor and as usual they did the usual 'Could you be pregnant?' scenario as with all women who feel a little off. I said 'no,no way, we are going through IVF at the moment'. She replied that it did not matter, if we are having unprotected sex there is still a chance. So we did a test, which came out positive! I was shell shocked and could not believe it. I was so happy, the tears would not stop. I left the docs and called J, with whom I said come home I have something to tell you. I did not want this to happen over the phone, after all this time I wanted to see his face. I then went and bought the most expensive reliable tests I could because I still was not convinced. I bought a gift for my son, because I was so happy and I bought some 'new baby' baby grows for J. When I got home I did three more tests. On the digital ones that tell you how long you are pregnant and says positive or negative. Each one said positive and about three to four weeks along! This went back to the dining table time. I took a deep breath and wrapped one of the tests in a baby grow and put it in a gift box, wrapped with J name on. As soon as he arrived home, placed on the dining table was the box. He looked at me confused, he was worried. He knew that I had been to the doctors and was a little apprehensive as to what was wrong with me. I told him to unwrap the present and then we could talk.
I will never ever forget his face and the baby grow unravelled and the test popped out. His face, stared at it for ages and he burst into tears. 'Really?' he looked at me and I nodded also in tears. He ran over to me and picked me up and swung me round. Finally we had our moment of pure happiness, it was such a good feeling. Lil man was running round blissfully unaware of our tearful moment however savouring his new toy I had bought him. It was what they call a perfect moment.
The pregnancy was not without complications, I had chronic morning sickness more like 24 hour 7 days a week sickness. I wasn't even sick, it was just nausea. Awful. I was tired beyond tired, and soon I realised I would have to tell my employers with whom I had been avoiding telling for as long as possible. I was timing it all perfectly. I wanted to be well pregnant before word got back to TR so he would not be compelled to seek me out whilst I didn't have a bump. The bump was the sign, the obvious thing that would totally put him off. By June I told work and within about a two weeks word had got back to TR. Soon I got a message through on my phone. My new phone, as I had changed it again as I always did, trying to avoid him messaging me. The message read;
Hey u, how are u?x
I knew that it was him. The tell tale sign of the one kiss at the end and the begininning hey u which he always used after time had passed. I ignored the message, but it rang in my head constantly. I kept looking at the message, and then looking at my phone to check there was no more. I felt compelled to confirm what he had probably heard but I held off, I knew messaging him was a bad decision. One I could not help but consider. Eventually old habits kicked in and I messaged him back.
Fine, u?
'Yeah ok. Hows life?x'
I don't know if you heard but I am pregnant.
Fab, how far along?
I lied when I answered this, I made myself further along so I would be seem to be in full swing, and with a bigger bump.
'right, well I would still fuck you.x'
I had underestimated the level of his addiction and it pang badly. I was again at risk!!! It was an awful feeling. I didnt reply but he messaged again.
'Remember the last time on the dining room table?x
Oh hell, I had tried to erase it. My complacency My payment. Oh bugger, as the memories flooded in. I never responded again and more messages came, one after the other. The content unworthy of a mention as it was pure filth for a pregnant woman to endure. I got on with life but with his recent contact I got nervous about being home alone again and started to convince my husband that I wanted to move house. I became obsessed with this now. My lovely large country house, was compromised. I wanted to run and hide before he could reach me. I complained to my husband that the house was unsuitable for a baby. The spare room was cold, the bathroom was damp and the quarry tilling was dangerous. It was not hard to see that this was nothing far from the truth but underneath I needed to get out badly. The place had too many bad memories for me now and I wanted out. In a bid to stick with our country lifestyle, we looked at a house further down the hill, same village but in a larger house which had no damp. We contemplated it for ages and got the keys and took family round. In fact when we were in with my dad we told him we were pregnant whilst in the living room. Even our cats followed us down and walked round it! We negotiated a deal but then I got cold feet, it was not far enough away, it was a lovely house I loved it more so than ours but it would not take long before a few drives by TR through the village would see the cars and figure it out. No, we had to move into the town, blend with the environment. Hide. So we looked around and we found our now house. It was perfect for schools and not to near the centre. A nice suburb which was quiet and well respected area. A large garden too so we were straight into negotiations and soon we moved in. I was safe, happy and blooming.
The happiness didn't last and soon I was under investigation at work for something ridiculous I got quite stressed and sick with the disciplinary but was soon cleared of the allegation But I felt knocked by work and could not bring myself to go back to work. I was getting more and more depressed as I stayed at home and memories built up. Soon I could not walk, I don't carry well and I got Symphis Pubis Dysfunction where my pubic bone kept slipping from my pelvis causing loads of pain. I was in a wheelchair for the last trimester of pregnancy and then it got unbearable so they thought it wise to deliver at 37 weeks via c section.
I gave birth at the beginning of December to a beautiful baby girl to the delight of my husband, son and family. I on the other hand could not take it in and I felt wrong. I was not handling new motherhood well even though I thought I would considering I loved every minute with my son but my baby girl was sick and cried all the time. I could not sleep at all. My precious cat died on the day she was born and no one told me until I got home and asked where she was. It knocked me for six. I just could not cope with anything any more.
As the new year came and went I got worse and worse. It didn't help that our daughter was sick all the time. She would cry constantly, and never slept for more than half an hour. I felt overweight and unattractive and started to neglect myself more and more. We were in and out of hospital with our princess, trying to work out what was wrong. They kept making out I was an over reacting mother but I knew something was wrong. It was in hospital whilst our princess was in again that I went for a shower in the private bathroom we had. It was more a wet room and I could see myself in the shower. As I stared I felt crap and all of a sudden I burst into tears and started to rip at my skin with my fingernails. It felt like I was in the wrong body, the wrong skin and I had to get it off. It was a weird experience, one that was interrupted by my husband who heard my franticness from the room. He calmed me down and looked at the wounds on my hips and belly. It was then that he thought it best to get some help. He told my midwife and health visitor and they figured I had post natal depression. My love for our princess was distorted to I did not want to be left with her or anything. It was awful to feel that way about a baby I so desperately wanted. I was put on a low dose of anti depressants and given a parent support worker. After a time though things got worse, I couldn't sleep at all, and when I was given the opportunity, I would wake up screaming from flashbacks to the rape. I would shake violently and didn't want to go out in the real world any more.
I started to self harm all the time. My wrists, my legs usually using a sharp pair of nail scissors or tweezers. It felt brilliant but awful at the same time. I had never self harmed before, why did I start now. I would hide it from my family meaning I covered up all the time, even in bed. Sex was a big no, no, I just ended up pushing him off or crying. I avoiding contact with everyone, even my best friends. I would get paranoid that everyone was against me and out to spy on me for him. I became a recluse, not going anywhere. My husband thought it would be nice to get a new cat after a while, he knew it would help to cheer me up. So we got Whiskey, a gorgeous stray from the Blue Cross. He was lovely and did cheer me up no end, but soon he became ill and six weeks later died. This broke my heart again and I thought God, was punishing me again. This made me worse and worse and I started to push the kids and J away. I would sometimes not get up, not shower and other days I would clean clean clean manic like and not stop. It is strange to look back, like it is not me. I felt like I was not me too. Soon the health visitors and parent support worker noticed this was more than Post Natal Depression and one finally sat down with me and asked. I broke down in tears and spilled the beans, showed her my cuts and my rape secret. Soon I was going to the doctors armed with PSW and was given some more anti depressants, a higher dose. I was sent for counselling and managed to get some of the stuff out.
Then my counselling was stopped as the severity of my depression was beyond the help of the NHS counselling and I was referred to the nearest Rape Crisis centre for counselling with professionals. During the time lapse between the counselling in August 2010, I got a text message whilst out in the garden with a friend. The message read;
Hey u. x
I knew it was him, it had been a year since he last contacted me and it hit me like a tun of bricks. I fell to my knees and dropped crying. My friend read the message and told me to tell J. I knew I had too as well, it was time. After she had left, I made a decision I could not go on any more I decided that I would take my own life. It was the only way out I could see. I was a crap mother, a crap wife, a crap friend, a cheating scum-bag wife and a liar. It was all too much. I took loads of paracetamol downed with a bottle of cider and schnapps mixed together. It was a thrilling experience and I felt brill about it. When J came back with the kids, he knew I was not right. I was laughing and saying bye bye all the time. I don't need to deal with this shit anymore kinda talk. His instincts kicked in and he drove me straight to the hospital Where after hours of tests and going in and out of sleep, they decided I had not done enough damage to kill myself. Damn it, how many pills did I need to bring me down?! It was then that I was assigned a Psychotherapist and was involved with the IHT team which meant Intensive Home Treatment. My worker would visit every day, and I was given the highest dose of anti depressants going as well as being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
All this happened and I managed to tell J what had triggered the suicide attempt. I showed J the message. He boiled. Then I admitted who it was, I told him he knew. He knew in his instincts, somewhere he knew, that he had blocked it out but he knew. He looked at me and guessed. He was right too, and I knew he had figured it out somewhere down the line. I told more to him and he was obviously hurt and destroyed by the lying and not telling him sooner. But he kept by my side bless him. I thought he would leave me, but he stayed. He gave up work to be my carer and take care of our princess, it was ok as I was still getting paid from work on maternity leave so one wage was still coming in at least. It felt good that he knew but it was hard, he wanted to go rip his head off. He even visited his house but he was on holiday, thank god. Soon though and predictable as TR was he made contact again via text. As I had not replied to his earlier text he did what he always did to get a response from me;
'I am targeting 3 new girls at B at the moment. They are HOT.x'
As I always do, I replied with who, what as my instinct to protect them was at a high. He replied with filth, and he told me he knew the name of my daughter and said the name was 'beautiful'. He then told me he had seen me, that my body had snapped back to its original form. This disturbed me so much, he had seen me? Oh Hell. I was paranoid. But I soon figured the link and it was someone at my Slimming World Group who worked for B too had gone back and mentioned something. I showed J the messages and this time J text the number back.
'LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE YOU FUCKING TWAT, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND THE MONEY YOU TOOK. LEAVE HER ALONE OR I WILL TELL YOUR WIFE'
He then tried ringing him but he never got a response. It was then I agreed to tell the police. An appointment was made to speak with the CID and they came round. I had my IHT support worker, my husband and my mother there for moral support as the policewoman took us through what would happen if I pressed charges etc. She explained that this visit was off record and informal but talk through what had happened. This was so hard to do in front of J and my mum but I managed it some how but I was vomiting by the end. I showed them the 'target' text and said I was worried for others. My IHT worker intervened that she thought I was so unstable that I would not be able to endure the police process at this time. My mother took minutes whilst my husband hugged me. When I finished I went to sleep for ages. When I awoke, my mother had written the minutes up and sent them to all my family members and friends to let them know! I was so shocked and it was such a betrayal of my confidence. I felt helpless and out of control. It was an awful feeling.
J agreed we could get another cat to cheer me up and this time agreed a kitten would be better and less liely to die. I loved my little scampi and he cheered me up so much. However when he was six months old he was run over and killed. That day I tried to commit suicide again, this time more so. I was rushed to hospital by ambulance - the account is in my writings during breakdown page.
Life had got low, lower than ever and now I was deep into the Rape Crisis Counselling. However, I would never ever hear from TR again. The police blocked my phone and put me under the POVA list. I was protected but it was only last week that I finally took the step to bring this man down, two and a half years from first telling the police and getting through the most difficult time of my life. I will write some more about how I got through it all and the affect it had on my husband, in which he is a victim too, not directly but he suffered a lot of pain and I had all the help in the world but he had non.
THANKS FOR READING. HERE IS A QUOTE FROM TODAY
SOME PEOPLE THINK TO BE STRONG IS NEVER FEEL PAIN. BUT IN REALITY IT IS THOSE THAT HAVE FELT IT, LIVED IT AND ACCEPTED IT THAT ARE THE STRONGEST OF ALL.
Best Wishes
Bethany xx
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
A SLAVE AND A SLUT
I suppose the title of this post seems very harsh but in reality it is how I see myself during the next stage of my abuse. As I said before TR had taken all power from me, at work, at home, with friends, with family. It was like two lives, to very different separate lives. One hand I had my REAL life, the one which was 'normal': I woke up next to my husband, we kissed goodbye, I went to work, I picked up our son, I cooked tea, we went to bed. Weekends off meant something fun, relaxed with family or friends, sunday dinners at my mother in laws and shopping trips. The other hand was seedy, deceetful and dirty. I would wake up, knowing I would kiss my husband and leave him to go to work where I would coerce in speaking to a serial rapist as a best friend. I would avoid all contact where possible but I had started to do what he asked, like I was safer that way. I would leave work go home and respond to his phone calls and texts, whilst carrying on my own life with my husband. AWFUL, SLUTTY AWFUL.
Please understand that by this time I was well and truely fucked and whilst I did not engage in conversations of a naughty kind or in sexual contact I would do all that I could to keep safe from another attack. If that meant being his best buddy and confident it worked well and it kept me one step ahead. Somedays he would tell me who he was going after, who he had been with, what his sex life was like with his wife and others. He told secrets about others at work, such as one 'high up' director using the company credit card to pay for oral sex from a brothel. Others who he had one night stands with, others he was working on. He told me lots and it meant I was immune to his actions, it meant he was ruining someone elses life not mine. Somedays he would tell me to what to wear:
'Wear a skirt today', or 'wear a thong and suspenders'
Somedays I would, others I wouldn't. I soon learned the days that I did as he said he kept his distance, he would fantasie and wank at his desk about me sat in those outfits at work but he would not attack. Days I would retalitate and wear what I wanted meant he would come to check....and that was worse. So I gave in and did what he asked. Slutty boots, boobs sticking out, hair back, hair up, no make up, some make up, hairy vagina, virginal vagina the list went on and I just went with it. I cannot tell you why or how but it seemed like the only thing to do, obey. I had always been a push over, I was controlled by my mother, my ex and to a degree my husband and others. I have never been able to refuse anyone what they wanted, make my voice heard, my mother was the main one for that becuase if I ever said no to her she would give me the biggest bollecoking and humiliate me to family. Expose me as a bad daughter, so I always gave in to her, it was easier to say 'yes' than deal with the consequences of 'no'. This makes sight now having gone through therapy why the next time TR was to make sexual contact, I did not put up a fight. I just laid down and took it. NUMB.
I had said that I was frantically searching for a job and I had found one in the March of 2008. It was in my local town and paid more for less hours. It was perfect. I sent in the application and gave it all I could. The interview went well and I made it clear that I no longer wanted to work at B for personal reasons. I ahted the place by now. I thought I had finally found a way out! I handed in my notice much to B displeasure and worked two jobs at one time as I needed the distraction. When I began working for the other company, it felt like a new lease of life and I was so happy being there. It was a rewarding job. However it was TR who organised my leaving drinks on my last day at work (although I had a leaving do night out with the girls earlier). He arranged for a few to meet up in the local bar, it was his favourite becuase they sold Erdinger and he made everyone who could go, go. I arrived late but he did not show at all. He never made it. It ws weird that he went to all that trouble but never turned up himself. He text me lots during though, dirty stuff and the norm have one on me etc. It left me uneasy, what was he planning? I hated his silence. After lunch I returned to find that everyone had come down from their offices to wave me off and do a kind of This is Your Life thing. TR was there at the back and I looked at him as I made my speech, crying and shaking. He kept winking and encouraging me but at the same time it was like he was saying 'ssssh be a good girl' all over again. I lied about how I loved working their and the friends I ahd mine would never be forgotten etc etc. It was a sereal moment. After everyone left and I packed up my desk and walked out of that door with a huge smile, thinking the worst was behind me now. I could move on.
I was wrong because TR hated me leaving, it meant he upped the anti. He could not keep check on me at work anymore, so he needed to check in like all the time. Messages came thick and fast and as soon as my work was getting reffered to my old work, as in paperwork and applications for housing with my signature, he knew where I was working and soon, he figured out the email address........it all began again. He would aks me where I was, what I was doing. He would tell me if he was at the local branch of B meaning round the corner from my office and try and meet with me on my dinner breaks. I would usually stay in them days. But I was paranoid whenever I went out and it was all getting to me. One day I knew he was in the area as he had told me so and he asked me to meet up. I gave the usual excuse like I was on a job or something but truth was I was not at work, it was my day off and I was at home. He kept ringing me and ringing me and I ended up picking up. He was driving, I could tell but he said he was horny and wanking right now. He wanted me to play with myself and call his name. I hung up. Then he called again, and again and again. I was getting nervous and shaky. I answered, I was trying to keep him from getting angry (although he had never been massively violent at one point but the first two times). I said his name for him over and over in a sexy voice and hung up when I knew he had had his fun. I cried as I thought baout what I had done. No police would ever understand what that was about would they? Why would they? Would J? I didn;t even know why I did it, safety I suppose. It didn;t work though. Soon I heard a knock at the door. Now I lived in the country, not many neighbours and I knew he did not know where I lived. I was expecting a package from eBay and as the postie had not been yet, I thought it to be my parcel delivery. My front door had a porch but we always used the back door near the kitchen to come and go as it was nearer to the cars. So the back door was unlocked but the front was not. I went to the front door and opened it up. The porch was made of glass and the door was locked. As I opened the door I could not see anyone, I went further into the porch and looked out the glass, seeing if my parcel had been dropped off outside. I didn't unlock the door and shrugged it off. As I went back into the house from the porch there he was. He had knocked, brought me to the front door and ran to the back to come in! He was in my dining room bright as day.
'Hey u, thought I would visit to repay the deed you did for me'
I knew he was planning to visit all along, the phone call was a check to hear the back ground, to check I was in. I can only assumme that he got my address from the HR programme and had it for a long time if it was ever to be needed.
The door was beyond him in the kitchen and I could see that he had put something in his pocket. The key, I had left it in the lock!!! Damn myself.
He came over to me all swarve and sauntering. I was shaking quite heavily and started to tidy up, I think it was cat litter tray which took my attention as needed to be done! As I kept trying to sweep it up with my hands and everything he picked me up and pushed me on the purple sofa in the dining room. We had two small ones around the log fire at that time. He pushed me over the arm and my legs went flying up as I swung down on them. I riggled and tried to regain myself but he had already started to unbutton my trousers on top of me and pulling them down. Black Jeans from Miss Selfridge, I still remember. When they got to my ankles including my knickers which went down with them. He stopped and jumped up and said:
'Where is your bedroom? The one you share with J. Is it this way?' pointing to the corridor where the stairs were.
'Err why?' not sure why this was my response.
'I want to be in your bed, with you' he started to walk up there. I jumped up with my trousers round my ankles and naked bum showing tried to run over to him, to stop him. The thought of him going into my room, my bed was awful, like the last straw, I could not let my only place of comfort with J be destroyed. I did not want him to see it, to remember it and imagine me sleeping in there when he was at home with his wife. It was like something had awoken me and I had to stop him asap. I shuffled across my dining room and I remember thinking FUCK because my trousers were restricting my movement. I kicked them off. It was clever he did that and made me remove my clothes willingly. I ran towards him and up the stairs passing him on the way. I got to the top where the door to my room was wide open. I ran to it and shut the door quickly. At this point, he didn't care, I was half naked and in a three bedroom house, there was a bed somewhere. It was as I was guarding the room with my life, my dignity, he could not take this from me. As he tried to gain access, I lured him away to he nearest room. The spare room. He lifted me onto the bed.
'I want to lick your pussy so hard and make you wetter than ever'
I was already half undressed, under his bodyweight. I knew there was no getting away, I knew that I could not let him get in my room. I gave up, there was no gfight in me and I said nothing. I let him do it, I let him proceed to lick me down there. I was crying inside and trying to hide back the tears as he sucked my clit harder and harder. I knew that J was due home any minute too and I kept thinking that what a relief that would be! I kept my head turned facing the door, hoping he would walk in. It was the first time, I did not care about J response, at least he would kick this guy out whether he belive me or. I began wishing for it and it gave me hope. Mya ndrenalin had kicked in and he kept going deeper and deeper with his tongue. Then a strange thing happened, my body responded. I actually could not stop the orgasm feeling creeping up at all. It would not stop and it was getting faster and faster and then it happened. I had an orgasm and came. I felt sick! It was awful. In the whole time he did not once get his dick out or do anything to himself. As soon as he knew he had done this, he stopped and walked away. He started to go downstairs leaving me completely bewildered. I heard the door open and shut and he went. I was still in the spare room. Confused, crying and angry.
About 10 mins passed and I put some new trousers on and went downstairs. J arrived, he must have passed TR on the road but would not have noticed. I threw my arms round him and because I was still confused by the experience dragged him upstairs to have sex. On the spare bed. I had to get TR out of my head in that room. We had sex and I had another orgasm. I felt like I had been wiped clean some what. J in compelte awe of coming home to that thanked me for the amazing time and we got ready to pick up our son from school. On the way and whilst J was driving, I sent a text to TR in my anger and it read.
'Thanks for the foreplay and all, but I've just had amazing full blown sex with a REAL man'
He never replied, and didn't for a while.
Work signed me up to the local charity football game between the different companies working together, united. However the leader of the charity event was no other than TR and this made it very hard to go ahead with. I had not seen him since his visit at home and it was a daunting prospect. I asked my husband to play for our side to make up the numbers. The whole day I felt like shit, I looked shit, and I played shit. I watched him like a hawk and kept J near me at all times, snuggling him and kissing him. TR did not speak to me at all, but he did message me afterward via email. His team also won all the money.
Throughout all this I kept wanting a baby, I wanted to share with J the joys of having a child and I wanted to feel pregnant again. We were having difficulties though and it was becoming tough on us both. I had a miscarriage in the October of that year and it devastated us both. I had started purchasing black market fertiloity drugs through a company who two years later were shut down for fraud. I spent over £1000 on drugs and anything to help with fertility. I tried giving some to J and he tried some to a degree. We went trhough the whole NHS fertility stuff and it was determined that J had a rare condition which made havign children pratcially impossible. I was devasted as we got the results back. It was a real blow, it was my only way out of the mess and I had no control over it again. I wanted to do anything, a sperm donor was my preference. I knew it would not be J but I would be pregnant and unattractive to TR. Me and J disagreed on on it and he preffered adoption. But there was another option, it was IVF. As J condition meant him having an operation it would all be done for on the NHS and he was booked for surgery in the following May of 2009. I went on to have lots of fertility drugs, some legal some not. I stopped drinking and lost a stone in wieght. I took folic acid and got fit. I did all I could to get pregnant but I knew J was dreading the surgery and it truth so was I, if they did not find any sperm. That was it, no baby of my own, in my belly making me fat, ever. No way out. It was too much to bare. All this and TR was still bothering me constantly, I was getting desperate and considered commiting suicide.
I was getting promoted copnstantly at work as I was working all hours, day and night, recruiting and training others. I started to take on more hours and work over a 40 hour week and weekends. I never stopped working and distracting myself. I worked and drove all over yorkshire trying to keep myself distracted but it was getting worse and I was tired, exhausted of all the lies and deceet. I started to crumble slowly. My whole world was dying. I was lying to everyone in my life, my husband, my best friend, my parents, my brother. It broke me into and then one day, I broke down completely and I asked J to tell everyone. Tell them what had happened. Of course he only knew of the one time and the harrasment but this was enough to gage their reaction. Whether they would believe me etc.
I remember I sat upstairs in my bedroom staring out the window as I knew my parents and brother were in my living room talking with J. I did not want to be there when he told them it was too much. Soon one by one they came to me. Dad stroked my head, mum went berserk, and started talking about reporting etc. My brother just kept quiet, but I could tell he was angry. They cried and vented. They tried to talk with me but I was nearly sick. I dont remember much else after that but stroking my cat on my lawn and totally numb to what was going on around me. It was like shut down had happened and I was bewildered when people talked to me. Again I got sloppy at work and it was noticed. I started having time off and I was coming in late and making mistakes. I carried on and althoug my mum kept pushing for the police to be notified I maanged to control the situation as much as possible. I wondered what they would do if they knew the extent of the abuse. The fact I texted him back, let him be at the wedding, let him in the home etc etc. Even had an orgasm by him. It was disgusting. Horrible.
Trouble kept coming from TR via work. His texting had stopped as I changed my mobile number. Soon he was getting desperate for a response, I was not engaging. It drove him mad. So much so he came to my home again. In fact I knew he was coming, I saw him coming to my home. He followed me from work and I saw him coming but it did not register. I had to go home at lunch to pick up some stuff for work which I had forgot. I HAD to go home, whether he was following me or not.
As I arrived home, I was right. I got out the car and went indoors, I did not lock the door. He walked in about 5 mins later. I did nothing, I hjad picked up my papers and I was going to head back off. I would not look him in the eye. He came over to me and pushed me on the dining table. He took off my trousers and got in me within two mins. His weight was on top of me. I did not say no, nor did I put up a fight. I just laid there and looked at the card I had given my husband the day previous saying how much I loved him. TR had thrown it on the floor prior to mounting the dining table. The only exchange between us was two comments
'I'm going to squirt my load in you right now'
and I replied 'ok'
After ward he zipped up and went outside., he sat on the lawn. I was unsure what he was doing but he looked sad. I walked up to him and gave him a card. It was his birthday, I had given him his birthday present. Now the card had nothing in it, no names no happy birthday but it did contain cash and a lot of it. I had withdrawn it that day, when I knew he was trying to meet up. I made it clear the cash was basically a cut off. I wanted to give him the money to leave me alone. He took it and he understood what I had done. I had paid him to leave me alone.
It worked for I have never seen him in person again. I often wonder if its because I had given in, I no londger struggled and let him do what he wanted but played dead almost. There was no fun in that you see. He liked to dominate me, but this time I had just laid complacent It was un interesting and boring. He knew it too, this was my way out all along. But he still tried contacting me soon after.......
TOMORROW I MAKE A STATEMENT TO THE POLICE. WISH ME LUCK :-)
All the Best
Bethany Black
xx
Please understand that by this time I was well and truely fucked and whilst I did not engage in conversations of a naughty kind or in sexual contact I would do all that I could to keep safe from another attack. If that meant being his best buddy and confident it worked well and it kept me one step ahead. Somedays he would tell me who he was going after, who he had been with, what his sex life was like with his wife and others. He told secrets about others at work, such as one 'high up' director using the company credit card to pay for oral sex from a brothel. Others who he had one night stands with, others he was working on. He told me lots and it meant I was immune to his actions, it meant he was ruining someone elses life not mine. Somedays he would tell me to what to wear:
'Wear a skirt today', or 'wear a thong and suspenders'
Somedays I would, others I wouldn't. I soon learned the days that I did as he said he kept his distance, he would fantasie and wank at his desk about me sat in those outfits at work but he would not attack. Days I would retalitate and wear what I wanted meant he would come to check....and that was worse. So I gave in and did what he asked. Slutty boots, boobs sticking out, hair back, hair up, no make up, some make up, hairy vagina, virginal vagina the list went on and I just went with it. I cannot tell you why or how but it seemed like the only thing to do, obey. I had always been a push over, I was controlled by my mother, my ex and to a degree my husband and others. I have never been able to refuse anyone what they wanted, make my voice heard, my mother was the main one for that becuase if I ever said no to her she would give me the biggest bollecoking and humiliate me to family. Expose me as a bad daughter, so I always gave in to her, it was easier to say 'yes' than deal with the consequences of 'no'. This makes sight now having gone through therapy why the next time TR was to make sexual contact, I did not put up a fight. I just laid down and took it. NUMB.
I had said that I was frantically searching for a job and I had found one in the March of 2008. It was in my local town and paid more for less hours. It was perfect. I sent in the application and gave it all I could. The interview went well and I made it clear that I no longer wanted to work at B for personal reasons. I ahted the place by now. I thought I had finally found a way out! I handed in my notice much to B displeasure and worked two jobs at one time as I needed the distraction. When I began working for the other company, it felt like a new lease of life and I was so happy being there. It was a rewarding job. However it was TR who organised my leaving drinks on my last day at work (although I had a leaving do night out with the girls earlier). He arranged for a few to meet up in the local bar, it was his favourite becuase they sold Erdinger and he made everyone who could go, go. I arrived late but he did not show at all. He never made it. It ws weird that he went to all that trouble but never turned up himself. He text me lots during though, dirty stuff and the norm have one on me etc. It left me uneasy, what was he planning? I hated his silence. After lunch I returned to find that everyone had come down from their offices to wave me off and do a kind of This is Your Life thing. TR was there at the back and I looked at him as I made my speech, crying and shaking. He kept winking and encouraging me but at the same time it was like he was saying 'ssssh be a good girl' all over again. I lied about how I loved working their and the friends I ahd mine would never be forgotten etc etc. It was a sereal moment. After everyone left and I packed up my desk and walked out of that door with a huge smile, thinking the worst was behind me now. I could move on.
I was wrong because TR hated me leaving, it meant he upped the anti. He could not keep check on me at work anymore, so he needed to check in like all the time. Messages came thick and fast and as soon as my work was getting reffered to my old work, as in paperwork and applications for housing with my signature, he knew where I was working and soon, he figured out the email address........it all began again. He would aks me where I was, what I was doing. He would tell me if he was at the local branch of B meaning round the corner from my office and try and meet with me on my dinner breaks. I would usually stay in them days. But I was paranoid whenever I went out and it was all getting to me. One day I knew he was in the area as he had told me so and he asked me to meet up. I gave the usual excuse like I was on a job or something but truth was I was not at work, it was my day off and I was at home. He kept ringing me and ringing me and I ended up picking up. He was driving, I could tell but he said he was horny and wanking right now. He wanted me to play with myself and call his name. I hung up. Then he called again, and again and again. I was getting nervous and shaky. I answered, I was trying to keep him from getting angry (although he had never been massively violent at one point but the first two times). I said his name for him over and over in a sexy voice and hung up when I knew he had had his fun. I cried as I thought baout what I had done. No police would ever understand what that was about would they? Why would they? Would J? I didn;t even know why I did it, safety I suppose. It didn;t work though. Soon I heard a knock at the door. Now I lived in the country, not many neighbours and I knew he did not know where I lived. I was expecting a package from eBay and as the postie had not been yet, I thought it to be my parcel delivery. My front door had a porch but we always used the back door near the kitchen to come and go as it was nearer to the cars. So the back door was unlocked but the front was not. I went to the front door and opened it up. The porch was made of glass and the door was locked. As I opened the door I could not see anyone, I went further into the porch and looked out the glass, seeing if my parcel had been dropped off outside. I didn't unlock the door and shrugged it off. As I went back into the house from the porch there he was. He had knocked, brought me to the front door and ran to the back to come in! He was in my dining room bright as day.
'Hey u, thought I would visit to repay the deed you did for me'
I knew he was planning to visit all along, the phone call was a check to hear the back ground, to check I was in. I can only assumme that he got my address from the HR programme and had it for a long time if it was ever to be needed.
The door was beyond him in the kitchen and I could see that he had put something in his pocket. The key, I had left it in the lock!!! Damn myself.
He came over to me all swarve and sauntering. I was shaking quite heavily and started to tidy up, I think it was cat litter tray which took my attention as needed to be done! As I kept trying to sweep it up with my hands and everything he picked me up and pushed me on the purple sofa in the dining room. We had two small ones around the log fire at that time. He pushed me over the arm and my legs went flying up as I swung down on them. I riggled and tried to regain myself but he had already started to unbutton my trousers on top of me and pulling them down. Black Jeans from Miss Selfridge, I still remember. When they got to my ankles including my knickers which went down with them. He stopped and jumped up and said:
'Where is your bedroom? The one you share with J. Is it this way?' pointing to the corridor where the stairs were.
'Err why?' not sure why this was my response.
'I want to be in your bed, with you' he started to walk up there. I jumped up with my trousers round my ankles and naked bum showing tried to run over to him, to stop him. The thought of him going into my room, my bed was awful, like the last straw, I could not let my only place of comfort with J be destroyed. I did not want him to see it, to remember it and imagine me sleeping in there when he was at home with his wife. It was like something had awoken me and I had to stop him asap. I shuffled across my dining room and I remember thinking FUCK because my trousers were restricting my movement. I kicked them off. It was clever he did that and made me remove my clothes willingly. I ran towards him and up the stairs passing him on the way. I got to the top where the door to my room was wide open. I ran to it and shut the door quickly. At this point, he didn't care, I was half naked and in a three bedroom house, there was a bed somewhere. It was as I was guarding the room with my life, my dignity, he could not take this from me. As he tried to gain access, I lured him away to he nearest room. The spare room. He lifted me onto the bed.
'I want to lick your pussy so hard and make you wetter than ever'
I was already half undressed, under his bodyweight. I knew there was no getting away, I knew that I could not let him get in my room. I gave up, there was no gfight in me and I said nothing. I let him do it, I let him proceed to lick me down there. I was crying inside and trying to hide back the tears as he sucked my clit harder and harder. I knew that J was due home any minute too and I kept thinking that what a relief that would be! I kept my head turned facing the door, hoping he would walk in. It was the first time, I did not care about J response, at least he would kick this guy out whether he belive me or. I began wishing for it and it gave me hope. Mya ndrenalin had kicked in and he kept going deeper and deeper with his tongue. Then a strange thing happened, my body responded. I actually could not stop the orgasm feeling creeping up at all. It would not stop and it was getting faster and faster and then it happened. I had an orgasm and came. I felt sick! It was awful. In the whole time he did not once get his dick out or do anything to himself. As soon as he knew he had done this, he stopped and walked away. He started to go downstairs leaving me completely bewildered. I heard the door open and shut and he went. I was still in the spare room. Confused, crying and angry.
About 10 mins passed and I put some new trousers on and went downstairs. J arrived, he must have passed TR on the road but would not have noticed. I threw my arms round him and because I was still confused by the experience dragged him upstairs to have sex. On the spare bed. I had to get TR out of my head in that room. We had sex and I had another orgasm. I felt like I had been wiped clean some what. J in compelte awe of coming home to that thanked me for the amazing time and we got ready to pick up our son from school. On the way and whilst J was driving, I sent a text to TR in my anger and it read.
'Thanks for the foreplay and all, but I've just had amazing full blown sex with a REAL man'
He never replied, and didn't for a while.
Work signed me up to the local charity football game between the different companies working together, united. However the leader of the charity event was no other than TR and this made it very hard to go ahead with. I had not seen him since his visit at home and it was a daunting prospect. I asked my husband to play for our side to make up the numbers. The whole day I felt like shit, I looked shit, and I played shit. I watched him like a hawk and kept J near me at all times, snuggling him and kissing him. TR did not speak to me at all, but he did message me afterward via email. His team also won all the money.
Throughout all this I kept wanting a baby, I wanted to share with J the joys of having a child and I wanted to feel pregnant again. We were having difficulties though and it was becoming tough on us both. I had a miscarriage in the October of that year and it devastated us both. I had started purchasing black market fertiloity drugs through a company who two years later were shut down for fraud. I spent over £1000 on drugs and anything to help with fertility. I tried giving some to J and he tried some to a degree. We went trhough the whole NHS fertility stuff and it was determined that J had a rare condition which made havign children pratcially impossible. I was devasted as we got the results back. It was a real blow, it was my only way out of the mess and I had no control over it again. I wanted to do anything, a sperm donor was my preference. I knew it would not be J but I would be pregnant and unattractive to TR. Me and J disagreed on on it and he preffered adoption. But there was another option, it was IVF. As J condition meant him having an operation it would all be done for on the NHS and he was booked for surgery in the following May of 2009. I went on to have lots of fertility drugs, some legal some not. I stopped drinking and lost a stone in wieght. I took folic acid and got fit. I did all I could to get pregnant but I knew J was dreading the surgery and it truth so was I, if they did not find any sperm. That was it, no baby of my own, in my belly making me fat, ever. No way out. It was too much to bare. All this and TR was still bothering me constantly, I was getting desperate and considered commiting suicide.
I was getting promoted copnstantly at work as I was working all hours, day and night, recruiting and training others. I started to take on more hours and work over a 40 hour week and weekends. I never stopped working and distracting myself. I worked and drove all over yorkshire trying to keep myself distracted but it was getting worse and I was tired, exhausted of all the lies and deceet. I started to crumble slowly. My whole world was dying. I was lying to everyone in my life, my husband, my best friend, my parents, my brother. It broke me into and then one day, I broke down completely and I asked J to tell everyone. Tell them what had happened. Of course he only knew of the one time and the harrasment but this was enough to gage their reaction. Whether they would believe me etc.
I remember I sat upstairs in my bedroom staring out the window as I knew my parents and brother were in my living room talking with J. I did not want to be there when he told them it was too much. Soon one by one they came to me. Dad stroked my head, mum went berserk, and started talking about reporting etc. My brother just kept quiet, but I could tell he was angry. They cried and vented. They tried to talk with me but I was nearly sick. I dont remember much else after that but stroking my cat on my lawn and totally numb to what was going on around me. It was like shut down had happened and I was bewildered when people talked to me. Again I got sloppy at work and it was noticed. I started having time off and I was coming in late and making mistakes. I carried on and althoug my mum kept pushing for the police to be notified I maanged to control the situation as much as possible. I wondered what they would do if they knew the extent of the abuse. The fact I texted him back, let him be at the wedding, let him in the home etc etc. Even had an orgasm by him. It was disgusting. Horrible.
Trouble kept coming from TR via work. His texting had stopped as I changed my mobile number. Soon he was getting desperate for a response, I was not engaging. It drove him mad. So much so he came to my home again. In fact I knew he was coming, I saw him coming to my home. He followed me from work and I saw him coming but it did not register. I had to go home at lunch to pick up some stuff for work which I had forgot. I HAD to go home, whether he was following me or not.
As I arrived home, I was right. I got out the car and went indoors, I did not lock the door. He walked in about 5 mins later. I did nothing, I hjad picked up my papers and I was going to head back off. I would not look him in the eye. He came over to me and pushed me on the dining table. He took off my trousers and got in me within two mins. His weight was on top of me. I did not say no, nor did I put up a fight. I just laid there and looked at the card I had given my husband the day previous saying how much I loved him. TR had thrown it on the floor prior to mounting the dining table. The only exchange between us was two comments
'I'm going to squirt my load in you right now'
and I replied 'ok'
After ward he zipped up and went outside., he sat on the lawn. I was unsure what he was doing but he looked sad. I walked up to him and gave him a card. It was his birthday, I had given him his birthday present. Now the card had nothing in it, no names no happy birthday but it did contain cash and a lot of it. I had withdrawn it that day, when I knew he was trying to meet up. I made it clear the cash was basically a cut off. I wanted to give him the money to leave me alone. He took it and he understood what I had done. I had paid him to leave me alone.
It worked for I have never seen him in person again. I often wonder if its because I had given in, I no londger struggled and let him do what he wanted but played dead almost. There was no fun in that you see. He liked to dominate me, but this time I had just laid complacent It was un interesting and boring. He knew it too, this was my way out all along. But he still tried contacting me soon after.......
TOMORROW I MAKE A STATEMENT TO THE POLICE. WISH ME LUCK :-)
All the Best
Bethany Black
xx
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