A SLAVE AND A SLUT

I suppose the title of this post seems very harsh but in reality it is how I see myself during the next stage of my abuse. As I said before TR had taken all power from me, at work, at home, with friends, with family. It was like two lives, to very different separate lives. One hand I had my REAL life, the one which was 'normal': I woke up next to my husband, we kissed goodbye, I went to work, I picked up our son, I cooked tea, we went to bed. Weekends off meant something fun, relaxed with family or friends, sunday dinners at my mother in laws and shopping trips. The other hand was seedy, deceetful and dirty. I would wake up, knowing I would kiss my husband and leave him to go to work where I would coerce in speaking to a serial rapist as a best friend. I would avoid all contact where possible but I had started to do what he asked, like I was safer that way. I would leave work go home and respond to his phone calls and texts, whilst carrying on my own life with my husband. AWFUL, SLUTTY AWFUL.

Please understand that by this time I was well and truely fucked and whilst I did not engage in conversations of a naughty kind or in sexual contact I would do all that I could to keep safe from another attack. If that meant being his best buddy and confident it worked well and it kept me one step ahead. Somedays he would tell me who he was going after, who he had been with, what his sex life was like with his wife and others. He told secrets about others at work, such as one 'high up' director using the company credit card to pay for oral sex from a brothel. Others who he had one night stands with, others he was working on. He told me lots and it meant I was immune to his actions, it meant he was ruining someone elses life not mine. Somedays he would tell me to what to wear:

'Wear a skirt today', or 'wear a thong and suspenders'

Somedays I would, others I wouldn't. I soon learned the days that I did as he said he kept his distance, he would fantasie and wank at his desk about me sat in those outfits at work but he would not attack. Days I would retalitate and wear what I wanted meant he would come to check....and that was worse. So I gave in and did what he asked. Slutty boots, boobs sticking out, hair back, hair up, no make up, some make up, hairy vagina, virginal vagina the list went on and I just went with it. I cannot tell you why or how but it seemed like the only thing to do, obey. I had always been a push over, I was controlled by my mother, my ex and to a degree my husband and others. I have never been able to refuse anyone what they wanted, make my voice heard, my mother was the main one for that becuase if I ever said no to her she would give me the biggest bollecoking and humiliate me to family. Expose me as a bad daughter, so I always gave in to her, it was easier to say 'yes' than deal with the consequences of 'no'. This makes sight now having gone through therapy why the next time TR was to make sexual contact, I did not put up a fight. I just laid down and took it. NUMB.

I had said that I was frantically searching for a job and I had found one in the March of 2008. It was in my local town and paid more for less hours. It was perfect. I sent in the application and gave it all I could. The interview went well and I made it clear that I no longer wanted to work at B for personal reasons. I ahted the place by now. I thought I had finally found a way out! I handed in my notice much to B displeasure and worked two jobs at one time as I needed the distraction. When I began working for the other company, it felt like a new lease of life and I was so happy being there. It was a rewarding job. However it was TR who organised my leaving drinks on my last day at work (although I had a leaving do night out with the girls earlier). He arranged for a few to meet up in the local bar, it was his favourite becuase they sold Erdinger and he made everyone who could go, go. I arrived late but he did not show at all. He never made it. It ws weird that he went to all that trouble but never turned up himself. He text me lots during though, dirty stuff and the norm have one on me etc. It left me uneasy, what was he planning? I hated his silence. After lunch I returned to find that everyone had come down from their offices to wave me off and do a kind of This is Your Life thing. TR was there at the back and I looked at him as I made my speech, crying and shaking. He kept winking and encouraging me but at the same time it was like he was saying 'ssssh be a good girl' all over again. I lied about how I loved working their and the friends I ahd mine would never be forgotten etc etc. It was a sereal moment. After everyone left and I packed up my desk and walked out of that door with a huge smile, thinking the worst was behind me now. I could move on.

I was wrong because TR hated me leaving, it meant he upped the anti. He could not keep check on me at work anymore, so he needed to check in like all the time. Messages came thick and fast and as soon as my work was getting reffered to my old work, as in paperwork and applications for housing with my signature, he knew where I was working and soon, he figured out the email address........it all began again. He would aks me where I was, what I was doing. He would tell me if he was at the local branch of B meaning round the corner from my office and try and meet with me on my dinner breaks. I would usually stay in them days. But I was paranoid whenever I went out and it was all getting to me. One day I knew he was in the area as he had told me so and he asked me to meet up. I gave the usual excuse like I was on a job or something but truth was I was not at work, it was my day off and I was at home. He kept ringing me and ringing me and I ended up picking up. He was driving, I could tell but he said he was horny and wanking right now. He wanted me to play with myself and call his name. I hung up. Then he called again, and again and again. I was getting nervous and shaky. I answered, I was trying to keep him from getting angry (although he had never been massively violent at one point but the first two times). I said his name for him over and over in a sexy voice and hung up when I knew he had had his fun. I cried as I thought baout what I had done. No police would ever understand what that was about would they? Why would they? Would J? I didn;t even know why I did it, safety I suppose. It didn;t work though. Soon I heard a knock at the door. Now I lived in the country, not many neighbours and I knew he did not know where I lived. I was expecting a package from eBay and as the postie had not been yet, I thought it to be my parcel delivery. My front door had a porch but we always used the back door near the kitchen to come and go as it was nearer to the cars. So the back door was unlocked but the front was not. I went to the front door and opened it up. The porch was made of glass and the door was locked. As I opened the door I could not see anyone, I went further into the porch and looked out the glass, seeing if my parcel had been dropped off outside. I didn't unlock the door and shrugged it off. As I went back into the house from the porch there he was. He had knocked, brought me to the front door and ran to the back to come in! He was in my dining room bright as day.

'Hey u, thought I would visit to repay the deed you did for me'

I knew he was planning to visit all along, the phone call was a check to hear the back ground, to check I was in. I can only assumme that he got my address from the HR programme and had it for a long time if it was ever to be needed.

The door was beyond him in the kitchen and I could see that he had put something in his pocket. The key, I had left it in the lock!!! Damn myself.

He came over to me all swarve and sauntering. I was shaking quite heavily and started to tidy up, I think it was cat litter tray which took my attention as needed to be done! As I kept trying to sweep it up with my hands and everything he picked me up and pushed me on the purple sofa in the dining room. We had two small ones around the log fire at that time. He pushed me over the arm and my legs went flying up as I swung down on them. I riggled and tried to regain myself but he had already started to unbutton my trousers on top of me and pulling them down. Black Jeans from Miss Selfridge, I still remember. When they got to my ankles including my knickers which went down with them. He stopped and jumped up and said:

'Where is your bedroom? The one you share with J. Is it this way?' pointing to the corridor where the stairs were.

'Err why?' not sure why this was my response.

'I want to be in your bed, with you' he started to walk up there. I jumped up with my trousers round my ankles and naked bum showing tried to run over to him, to stop him. The thought of him going into my room, my bed was awful, like the last straw, I could not let my only place of comfort with J be destroyed. I did not want him to see it, to remember it and imagine me sleeping in there when he was at home with his wife. It was like something had awoken me and I had to stop him asap. I shuffled across my dining room and I remember thinking FUCK because my trousers were restricting my movement. I kicked them off. It was clever he did that and made me remove my clothes willingly. I ran towards him and up the stairs passing him on the way. I got to the top where the door to my room was wide open. I ran to it and shut the door quickly. At this point, he didn't care, I was half naked and in a three bedroom house, there was a bed somewhere. It was as I was guarding the room with my life, my dignity, he could not take this from me. As he tried to gain access, I lured him away to he nearest room. The spare room. He lifted me onto the bed.

'I want to lick your pussy so hard and make you wetter than ever'

I was already half undressed, under his bodyweight. I knew there was no getting away, I knew that I could not let him get in my room. I gave up, there was no gfight in me and I said nothing. I let him do it, I let him proceed to lick me down there. I was crying inside and trying to hide back the tears as he sucked my clit harder and harder. I knew that J was due home any minute too and I kept thinking that what a relief that would be! I kept my head turned facing the door, hoping he would walk in. It was the first time, I did not care about J response, at least he would kick this guy out whether he belive me or. I began wishing for it and it gave me hope. Mya ndrenalin had kicked in and he kept going deeper and deeper with his tongue. Then a strange thing happened, my body responded. I actually could not stop the orgasm feeling creeping up at all. It would not stop and it was getting faster and faster and then it happened. I had an orgasm and came. I felt sick! It was awful. In the whole time he did not once get his dick out or do anything to himself. As soon as he knew he had done this, he stopped and walked away. He started to go downstairs leaving me completely bewildered. I heard the door open and shut and he went. I was still in the spare room. Confused, crying and angry.

About 10 mins passed and I put some new trousers on and went downstairs. J arrived, he must have passed TR on the road but would not have noticed. I threw my arms round him and because I was still confused by the experience dragged him upstairs to have sex. On the spare bed. I had to get TR out of my head in that room. We had sex and I had another orgasm. I felt like I had been wiped clean some what. J in compelte awe of coming home to that thanked me for the amazing time and we got ready to pick up our son from school. On the way and whilst J was driving, I sent a text to TR in my anger and it read.

'Thanks for the foreplay and all, but I've just had amazing full blown sex with a REAL man'

He never replied, and didn't for a while.

Work signed me up to the local charity football game between the different companies working together, united. However the leader of the charity event was no other than TR and this made it very hard to go ahead with. I had not seen him since his visit at home and it was a daunting prospect. I asked my husband to play for our side to make up the numbers. The whole day I felt like shit, I looked shit, and I played shit. I watched him like a hawk and kept J near me at all times, snuggling him and kissing him. TR did not speak to me at all, but he did message me afterward via email. His team also won all the money.

Throughout all this I kept wanting a baby, I wanted to share with J the joys of having a child and I wanted to feel pregnant again. We were having difficulties though and it was becoming tough on us both. I had a miscarriage in the October of that year and it devastated us both. I had started purchasing black market fertiloity drugs through a company who two years later were shut down for fraud. I spent over £1000 on drugs and anything to help with fertility. I tried giving some to J and he tried some to a degree. We went trhough the whole NHS fertility stuff and it was determined that J had a rare condition which made havign children pratcially impossible. I was devasted as we got the results back. It was a real blow, it was my only way out of the mess and I had no control over it again. I wanted to do anything, a sperm donor was my preference. I knew it would not be J but I would be pregnant and unattractive to TR. Me and J disagreed on on it and he preffered adoption. But there was another option, it was IVF. As J condition meant him having an operation it would all be done for on the NHS and he was booked for surgery in the following May of 2009. I went on to have lots of fertility drugs, some legal some not. I stopped drinking and lost a stone in wieght. I took folic acid and got fit. I did all I could to get pregnant but I knew J was dreading the surgery and it truth so was I, if they did not find any sperm. That was it, no baby of my own, in my belly making me fat, ever. No way out. It was too much to bare. All this and TR was still bothering me constantly, I was getting desperate and considered commiting suicide.

I was getting promoted copnstantly at work as I was working all hours, day and night, recruiting and training others. I started to take on more hours and work over a 40 hour week and weekends. I never stopped working and distracting myself. I worked and drove all over yorkshire trying to keep myself distracted but it was getting worse and I was tired, exhausted of all the lies and deceet. I started to crumble slowly. My whole world was dying. I was lying to everyone in my life, my husband, my best friend, my parents, my brother. It broke me into and then one day, I broke down completely and I asked J to tell everyone. Tell them what had happened. Of course he only knew of the one time and the harrasment but this was enough to gage their reaction. Whether they would believe me etc.

I remember I sat upstairs in my bedroom staring out the window as I knew my parents and brother were in my living room talking with J. I did not want to be there when he told them it was too much. Soon one by one they came to me. Dad stroked my head, mum went berserk, and started talking about reporting etc. My brother just kept quiet, but I could tell he was angry. They cried and vented. They tried to talk with me but I was nearly sick. I dont remember much else after that but stroking my cat on my lawn and totally numb to what was going on around me. It was like shut down had happened and I was bewildered when people talked to me. Again I got sloppy at work and it was noticed. I started having time off and I was coming in late and making mistakes. I carried on and althoug my mum kept pushing for the police to be notified I maanged to control the situation as much as possible. I wondered what they would do if they knew the extent of the abuse. The fact I texted him back, let him be at the wedding, let him in the home etc etc. Even had an orgasm by him. It was disgusting. Horrible.

Trouble kept coming from TR via work. His texting had stopped as I changed my mobile number. Soon he was getting desperate for a response, I was not engaging. It drove him mad. So much so he came to my home again. In fact I knew he was coming, I saw him coming to my home. He followed me from work and I saw him coming but it did not register. I had to go home at lunch to pick up some stuff for work which I had forgot. I HAD to go home, whether he was following me or not.

As I arrived home, I was right. I got out the car and went indoors, I did not lock the door. He walked in about 5 mins later. I did nothing, I hjad picked up my papers and I was going to head back off. I would not look him in the eye. He came over to me and pushed me on the dining table. He took off my trousers and got in me within two mins. His weight was on top of me. I did not say no, nor did I put up a fight. I just laid there and looked at the card I had given my husband the day previous saying how much I loved him. TR had thrown it on the floor prior to mounting the dining table. The only exchange between us was two comments

'I'm going to squirt my load in you right now'

and I replied 'ok'

After ward he zipped up and went outside., he sat on the lawn. I was unsure what he was doing but he looked sad. I walked up to him and gave him a card. It was his birthday, I had given him his birthday present. Now the card had nothing in it, no names no happy birthday but it did contain cash and a lot of it. I had withdrawn it that day, when I knew he was trying to meet up. I made it clear the cash was basically a cut off. I wanted to give him the money to leave me alone. He took it and he understood what I had done. I had paid him to leave me alone.

It worked for I have never seen him in person again. I often wonder if its because I had given in, I no londger struggled and let him do what he wanted but played dead almost. There was no fun in that you see. He liked to dominate me, but this time I had just laid complacent  It was un interesting and boring. He knew it too, this was my way out all along.  But he still tried contacting me soon after.......


TOMORROW I MAKE A STATEMENT TO THE POLICE. WISH ME LUCK :-)

All the Best

Bethany Black

xx

HONEYMOON PERIOD

Thanks for waiting a few days again. Its hard to find the time to write at the moment and it takes me ages as I've hurt my wrist. I realise that this whole experience of writing down what happened to me in detail has helped me in preparation for my police statement on Thursday. So I am going to continue now to the next step in the story which starts with my honeymoon.

My new husband and I were not planning a big honeymoon, we could not afford it, however unbeknownst to us, our families had all given us some money toward going away and when it reached over £600 we decided if that could stretch us somewhere overseas maybe on a late deal. The Monday after our Saturday wedding, we booked to Zante, Greece. I had always wanted to see Smugglers Cove and as it was so cheap to go on a late deal we sorted it out for a week away from Thursday. I was so excited, me and J had not been abroad since we first got together and it was great we could do it without spending any more of our own money. We obviously had to sort childcare for our son and then also take him on a little trip ourselves. We decided to take him to Alton Towers on the Tues and return Weds. We had loads of fun, and I managed to forget about the stupid situation that had been going on.

On our return from Alton Towers we had a few loose ends to tie up. One was returning some cables to my work. These cables were sort by TR and used in the marquee at the wedding. I was dreading returning them but figured he may not be at work anyway. My husband and I went to go and drop them off, I think our son could have been with us. We also had brought the middle tier of our wedding cake as it was needing to be eaten and with over 200 employees in the building I figured free cake would go down well in the break room. Using my ID I went into the building and decided first to take the cake to the girls in my office and say hello. I had to walk past his room again, and with a glimpse I saw him there watching me pass by. I went down and chatted with the girls for a time, about the honeymoon coming and what we felt like the morning after etc. The cake was then taken my a colleague to the break room to be cut up. Just them he turned up down at our end of the office.

'Hey you, how are you? Recovered yet?'

I smiled as usual, we were in front of people after all.

'I'm fine, thank you and yes I think I have recovered. I've brought the cables back, but they are in the car as too heavy for me to bring in on my own and with a cake. I can get J to bring them in, if you like?'

'No no, I'll come out and get them, come on'

I said my goodbyes and kisses to the girls and left. I knew I would not be coming back in after returning to the car. As we walked, we spoke in brief. 'Where you going then?' he said.

'Greece'

'Nice, how are things?'

'Fine, I said that already'

'You're grumpy?

'I'm back here again after three days off, I hate this place.'

'Mmm me too.So J in the car then?'

'Yeah'

'Ok, I'll miss you these two weeks, it wont be the same without my best bud'

- no reply

'But I'll text you, check you are ok.'

'I don't think I'm taking my phone.'

'Oh right, well I'll text just in case'

We reached the car and J got out. Immediately TR shook his hand and said 'Great to see you mate, how are you doing? Heard you going to Greece, awesome. Take care of her, we need her back here you know!'

J laughed and threw his arm round me. 'I will' I leaned in for a kiss....in which he responded to. TR on looked, I could feel his eyes burning through the back of my head.

J pulled open the back door of the car and got out the equipment. He placed them into TR's hands and we said goodbye. TR watched us leave, smiling through the glass window screen.

When we got on our honeymoon, it was lovely. The plane ride was my first and I loved looking down on all the land below. When we arrived we had arrived in the hottest season and on the windiest day they had on record since the 70's. It made me laugh as I was blown all over the place and the heat hit me like a brick! The place was lovely and although the Self Catering Unit was a little shabby and our balcony looked over a street rather than the sea, it was perfect to us and we were grateful to be there in this beautiful place. We made love and laughed, drank and sang. Slept and Sunned and walked and explored. It was the best time ever. Our first day had not been so good, as I felt uneasy after sun session next to the pool, and as we returned to the room, I passed out and had a fit. My eyes rolled back into my head and I fell onto a table and then to the floor. J shouted for help and they rubbed cold ice cubes all over me till I came round.

J told me that I had scared him so much. He had visions of being arrested when he returned home wife-less as if he had married me and murdered me on our honeymoon. He told me the thought of telling my dad that I had died was awful let alone the thought of actually returning to our son and explaining what had happened. Of course I laughed it off but he was very shocked and treated me like a new born for the rest of the holiday!

The 'honeymoon period' lasted throughout the trip but haven been persuaded to take my phone due to the fact that our son was still in England and his grandparents may need to contact us, I new before long a text would come. It did about three days in.

'Hey u, hows the sun?x

He would always put a patronsing x at the end of each email or text. It made me sick, but it was also a calling card. If if changed his number or contacted me via the net he would always send 'Hey u' with the x. That way I always knew it was him. I ignored the plentiful texts that came in after that, I did not need reminding, in fact I had sworn after the wedding day that no matter what I would avoid him at all costs even if he was nice etc. But something he wrote one day to me took me back, he knew how to get a reaction out of me and it worked. Damn him!!! But this is what it said:

'There's a new girl at work, shes very pretty. We've been emailing  God I want to fuck her, she is so hot. Hotter than you, mind you I'm thinking that RW (my boss) is up for one too, she keeps giving me the nod.x'

I felt numb inside. I guess he was trying to provoke jealousy or something, anything to get me to reply. And I did, but it was not out of jealousy, no, I felt scared for the other girl. She might also suffer at the hands of this lunatic, I felt I must try save her in some way. So I replied asking who she was, what she looked like, her name, what department etc etc. I was nervous for the poor girl and figured if I could get this information I could warn her the day I returned or better yet email her from Greece (emails for work were kinda simple to decode once you got the name). He didn't give me much, not at all. But I new he was telling the truth as I text my friend who worked their too and she said there was a new girl in finance. Messages kept pouring in after that about what he wanted to do to her and a number of others in the office, he also went on about my boss over and over. I was from then on convinced that she was having an affair with him. She was not my line manager but my line managers boss and she was senior to us all. She did however flirt a lot with TR and would not have anyone talk badly of him despite been married herself.

I managed to keep the texts from my husband and keep up the facade that it was actually different friends messaging me so much. He was happy, why would he think I was lying?! We had a lovely honeymoon despite the nusicance texts and I did not want to return home or to work but I did my son and wanted to hug him badly. It was the longest I have ever been away from him.

When I returned back to my home, I had some answerphone messages to attend to. My father had picked us up in the early hours at the airport and his sister my aunty had been trying to contact him. When I listened to my answerphone message it was like a whole wave came over me of emotion. My aunty had said that my other aunty had been found dead at her home. The grief was immense listening to her words, wanting to tell my father. Instead I had to tell my dad and I couldn't do it. I burst into tears and asked him to listen to the message. On his hang up he rushed back to see his sister and comfort her in their time of need and J comforted me. But the grief of her death was the last straw and I broke down and decided to tell J everything, apart from who. It was two weeks after we had got married.

I remember the conversation quite well. It was a hot day, lil man was at school and we were still on our two week off holiday. I sat and cried and cried and J encouraged me to take my time. When I eventually told him, he was quite calm. He said he knew something had happened like this but chose not to think about it. In fact he said he was relieved that he finally knew as his brain had been going overtime trying to work out what had gone on, was it an affair, was it a drunken mistake or worse yet. Relieved yes but he was angry too. I could not bring myself to tell him however about the second time or who it was, I was still trying to think about whether or not I could loose my job, or whether J would then believe me or be angry with me having told J that TR was helping me. I also felt still weirdly connected to TR like because he had offered me comfort and the thought of him going to prison or knowing I had dobbed him in made me feel awful. I felt like I could not do it to him after he had been so nice to me at times. It was a very strange way to feel and I could not understand it all, that in itself was why I later had a full breakdown. I had accepted what had happened but it was my behavior toward him that confused me, I always had to protect him as he had me.

J wanted me to go to the police. I told him I was not ready and I needed time. I also told him about my job, would they fire me or what? We needed the money, even more so after spending some money on our wedding. He made a pact with me that on my return to work I would speak with my nicer boss, the one I liked and trusted and not the one that may or may not of been coercing in an affair with TR.  He figured that she would see it from an unbiased prospective and I could maybe ask questions off record as to what would happen next. At least if I told work about the harassment (it did not have to include the rape) I may be safer at work if he was fired. I told J a bogus name as to who it was, it was similar to TR but not, I suppose I hoped he would figure it out but he did not.

So on my return to work, I went about going to speak to my line manager. However, she was off on holiday when I got back and I would not see her there till another week. That's when I sort out ME, the new girl TR had gone on about. I had to check her out and see if she had experienced anything. When I visited finance I saw the girl without even knowing it was her, I knew it was. His description of her was detailed and I knew the poor young girl was in for it somehow. But on my approach and out of nowhere, TR appeared. He had seen me go up to finance and had intercepted my contact with ME. He ran over to her and said:

'Ready to go for lunch?'

She replied 'I'll be down soon, I'll meet you at reception'

I was stunned as she brazenly picked up her coat and flashed a smile at me. I began to walk back downstairs, it was obvious that he had already managed to charm her but there was something in the way she smiled at me. She looked almost like she was saying 'Ha ha, he's mine now'. I thought to myself angrily; thank god, she can have him!

On my return downstairs he collared me at the bottom. 'Love the new look, the fringe really suits you' and off he went. I went and got on but watched as I saw them dance off into the sun through the car park towards the town. I no longer felt sorry for her, she was obviously wanting this relationship. I began to avoid them both, he was not messaging me much and emails and contact had reduced so much I was relieved and starting to have second thoughts about speaking to my boss when she returned. I then fell ill, with a flu virus thing and had to be off work, again. This was when my boss returned, damn it, so it was put off another week. Whilst I was ill at home I got a message, it was from ME. TR had given her my number, she had said

'TR gave me your number, and told me you are ill.I hope you don't mind me texting to ask if you are ok?

I replied very bluntly that I was ok, resting up. In truth I was pissed off my number had been given out. I soon received a message then from TR. He told me that he was having wild sex with ME but she was really bisexual and fancied me! He wondered if I would like to have sex with them both?! Oh my god!!! I was stunned, now I had two on my case and it was scaring the shit out of me. I wondered what on earth I was going to do now? So when I returned to work and was dead set on telling my line manager, I found out she had gone off with stress. She never ever returned and I never trusted anyone else to tell. I avoided the two of them like the plague all summer at work. But things had cooled off now from TR and I was a little more settled. However the time came in September when they both disappeared from work for a couple of weeks. The gossip was at the beginning that she had been fired and he had been suspended until further notice. his got me going of course and tried to find out more from anyone and everyone including TR who had not messaged for ages. In the end all I got was that she had been going round saying they were having an affair and had done stuff whilst at work. TR had denied it and she was fired, he was suspended as they investigated, he was cleared and returned to work after a hot holiday abroad with his wife who had no idea what was going on but a prompt holiday away. This made me more fearful of my decision to tell and I decided that I may to have the same fate, I mentioned this to my husband and agreed if I was not to go to the police I had to get out of there somehow to another job. So the hunt was on for a job with more urgency than ever.

Between the September that he was suspended and Christmas with ME gone his affections returned on me. So much so I had a bike accident because the stress was getting to me and I was unable to concentrate  I became more depressed and more under his influence. He had complete control over me and I was powerless to stop it. It was like leading two lives as I told my husband that things had stopped and I was OK now. Lies, deceet and all sorts began and soon I thought the only way out of it all was to have a baby with J. I knew that if I was pregnant TR would not want me, it would stop the process completely  He would back off and probably not bother again. I became obsessed with wanting this baby and it consumed me.

THATS IT FOR THIS POST, ANOTHER LONG ONE, SORRY.

Best Wishes and Strength to all who read.

Bethany Black xx

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE...NOT!

I am sorry that I have not been up to date as I would have liked. I was hoping to write every night but it has been a little impossible over half term and as no one else knows that I am writing or sharing this with the world I wait till I am alone to write it, and I am seldom alone believe me.

I am waiting for a call from my dad, he rings me twice a day, he lives and hour away and I see him every week. My husband is out, drinking I think, at least he's honest about his drinking now. My children are asleep and so here I am filling my nights with flashbacks and writing them up. They are not harmful flashbacks any more but if I do not keep them under control, I will have to stop writing this up. I can feel his presence in me again, the age old poison that sits somewhere in my body. I notice things when I am out, I think if he will be there. Its as if I know its inevitable, I HAVE to see him again, I know its coming, maybe he sees me but I am oblivious. I feel that something big is happening, it makes me uneasy. I know that it is the police enquiry....the whole catching him out, the facing up to him, the whole process is a nightmare but yet its the only way out?! Maybe not I could keep quiet but my mind, oh my mind, it tells me to be bigger than I have ever been before, as if this was meant to happen to me, its bigger than me, I have to ,make a difference, I have to stand up, for there was something that my perpetrator could not read about me, that I am strong, I am stronger than any other woman he has laid to bed against their will. He saw vulnerability in me, and groomed me but what he did not see was my soul, the soul that hid away for years to please my mother and the soul that will rise above it all and bring him down. How could he see? I could not see, but I have grown and this has made me stronger, I will make a change.

Before I continue where I left off, I saw a woman yesterday that has been a solid foundation for my 'post traumatic growth' and if she is reading this, I want her to know, that I smile every time I think of her, she has brought sunlight where there was dark and made me realise it was OK to be myself. I know that we may not see each other for a while but when we do, it will be in the making of something special, something for all of us, a place for change. Thank you xx

So where was I? Arrgh yes, the best day of my life right? My wedding day. Rewind a little to the back end of the last post, I said that when I went back to work, come June that year, I had to have a review about my time off. Health attendance is always monitored in most major companies and mine was no exception. I had hit the low percentage mark and I was in for it. I went into a meeting with HR and I burst into tears. I told them that something happened to me, something big. I could not say it, I was too scared, in fact I was terrified. I stumbled to say I was raped, I still struggle to this day but yet, I just must have seemed like a bumbling idiot to them. Gasping and puffing and starting a sentence I could not finish:

'I was .........[breath]....errrm...I mean something happened...[pant out]...I went....[breathe in] into.....no I had this man that....[loosing all ability to breathe at all]....its just to horrible [sigh, sob uncontrollably].

That was the (non) conversation I had with the HR manager trying to explain my reasons for low quality work and non attendance. It didn't go well, like a bad bad interview at the most wanted job....not good at all. I got the usual, well obviously something is going on and its time you got it sorted and get back on track. I am thinking I will assign you a visit to the Occupational Therapist we have who visits, maybe the stress of the job and wedding is getting to you, a little too much it seems and I was dismissed.

I thought long and hard about that meeting, I had the perfect chance to tell all and I blew it, I just couldn't even say what happened. But all was not lost, I felt I could do something, I was always able to write down my feelings, I could write her a letter, explain it all without saying a word. PERFECT!!!! You would think, but no. I could not write his name, nor the word rape. I kept writing pear instead, as it was easier for me and then the letter made no sense.

I was peared, it was horrible. It was here in this building. TR peared me. He is a pearist.

WTF? HR would think I was a nutter, I was beginning to think I was anyway. What the hell? But no, I could not do it. In the end I wrote this long far fetched letter about when I had finished work (Feb 13th) I had gone home and alone I had a visit from my partners good friend. I had let him in the house and whilst waiting for my partners return the man had taken advantage of me, in the worst possible way. I left it open for imagination there, it was the only way to get round not saying it. why I wrote such a thing was beyond me, I must have thought that I needed to tell them what had happened to justify my behaviour without the added stress of a complete upheaval at work, being suspended while investigated and possibly loose my job. I thought this was a way to get work off my back, to empathise with my situation and help. So I gave it to HR. It did not help. Instead I think, they did not believe me, at all, initially yes but then they just could not be bothered at all. They left that to the Occupational Therapist.

I met with that woman, on a few occasions. She seemed nice, she had read my letter, she knew to a degree what I was going through. She took me out of the building on our sessions, she felt I kept things hidden when I was in there, that I felt watched. I was watched, every room in that building apart from the toilets (ha ha) are CCTV for security reasons. And I was being watched, if not by HR or my boss, most definitely by him. I was not going to say a word in there at all! There was no sound but vision was enough, I was trapped. So she took me out and every session she said to me I was in denial about what happened. I was not letting go to reality, I had to repeat after her 'On February 13th 2007, I was raped' most days I got as far as the date, some days I would not even get to February through tears until one day I managed it. It took a few weeks...........but he was still harassing me and being friendly the other half of the time. It was all just one big mess!!! After I finally said it and broke down in a mess outside a building behind our office and on the pavement into a practical strangers arms, I went back to work. I never saw the woman again, HR stopped the sessions.

He was the only one I could turn to. The only one who knew, the only one who could sense my pain and anguish. He offered me a shoulder and I took it. He held me and kissed my head. 'I know, you are hurting but you will be OK, we must stick together, we are so alike, we must be strong for each other'. His comfort was the strangest comfort to receive, the most dangerous, most weirdest complex comfort ever. The perpetrator offered me a way out, hope and safety. He was the only one who knew the truth, and he had to keep it that way. He was clever to do this, he kept asking if I was alright? He would come check I was ok at my desk, at lunch, at home everywhere. His role changed a little, he began to seem like my protector, like he was making sure I would not be hurt again. He did not hurt me during this time, and he did keep me safe, from himself. Its strange as in hindsight he must have seen the pressure had got to me after the last occasion and he may have been scared I almost cracked open to everyone. Instead he saw it to give me what I needed, comfort and love. Very clever, and very methodical. He had thought every thing out perfectly and he won as I did calm down, I began to work better, I strolled into work with smile, I managed to find something in me that just pushed what he did aside and see him as a saviour. My partner had noticed too, he saw I was coping better. I explained to him that TR had been a great help, he had made me feel better about the awful thing that had happened to me and was protecting me at work. How screwed up is that?! I still loved my partner and I did not want to leave him to run into TR arms or anything it was just now the harassment had turned into something deeper, something far worse. He had groomed me, I was under his complete control. If I came to him and acted as his best friend, in front of people, at work at lunch, he was kind and caring. His messages would be out of care and offering a shoulder. He would always know just what I was thinking and would be there in a flash before I could say anything. Suggestive emails stopped and were replaced with kind gestures such as 'hows the wedding plans? how is J? Are your kids ok? Most of all is my darling B ok? You are precious to me.' Looking back it makes me sick but yet I took it all in, and it felt good.

My wedding was fast approaching and I was a little nervous, when I got a minute to think about stuff, the inner voice in me said STOP!!!! I had this tiny little voice saying 'you cannot walk down the aisle without J knowing everything about you, you cannot lie to him in front of God'. I am not a holy person much I was more so then than now, but I felt horrible. I could barley walk into church without thinking God would take his wrath on me. That I would have to be punished in some way. I was totally confused about the way I was protecting my TR, to the point I could not face seeing him fired, or put away due to my actions. I felt responsible in someway. But yet, I knew I loved J, I wanted him so much to be my husband. I loved him more than I loved myself and I could not bare the thought of him leaving me. So my wedding day arrived and I walked the aisle, but not without consequences.

During the nice TR months, I had drawn up my invites. I had written my guest lists for both day and night do and I had made the invitations myself. I was ready to calligraphy each one and send it. I had decided that my closer mates at work could come to the day do, but not TR. Although it seemed he was a good friend now to all around us, it just felt wrong and somewhere in me I did not want him there at all. That would be just going a little too far. As I toyed with my list and changed the numbers and swapped table plans and everyone excitingly kept asking me at work if they were invited etc etc. I deliberated his invitation. I had decided not to put him on the list, no I couldn't do it, to J at least. But when the invites were done and J saw them all and signed his part, he asked where was TR's? He knew that TR had rung me to see if I was ok on occasions, and when asked how work was, I had always said that TR was helping me out, he was protecting me, not hurting me from the real criminal at work. A lie no doubt but felt the truth in my head. I kept thinking how I had come to this? How life had turned up these events, why I could not just marry the love of my life without it being so hard. TR was back on the list and I signed his invitation, addressed to Mr and Mrs TR. His wife was also invited. It was the hardest decision and probably the worst of them all, how could J ever believe me now. If I told him he would ask why had I let him come to the wedding, why was I so weak? Weak was what it was, pure weakness. TR of course was delighted by the invite, his was the first one to be returned with an acceptance, at least it was only for the night do. His wife was also to attend as his guest. Sick Sick Sick. As the day came he kept hugging me at work and counting down but he started to get more grumpy and it arrived and was begininning to show his true colours again. I think it was a week before the wedding, if not a few days before and he sent me a text message saying:

'I can't help it any more, I just cant get the image out of my head....you in a white dress, hitched up with me inside you. On your wedding day, somewhere secret and naughty. Lets be naughty again, I cant wait.'

It was like ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH oh my god, what the hell can I do? I was totally trapped and it had started again. I just wept and wept. Organising things up to the last minute was hell, I was so stressed and I was crying all the time. I freaked out the night before because I broke a nail, I wanted to call it off then and there. I spent the night with my partner the night before and I felt safe but I knew it was not to last and I would take each moment it till I saw TR in front of me. Maybe he would not come, he could not be so blarze could he? And with his wife? I got myself ready with my hair all done. I had not shown my wedding dress to anyone and this was the day I got to show it off. Simple and chic, the last thing I wanted was all eyes on me, that would have been the worst. I had changed my dress at the last minute because I felt the other was too over the top, by then my confidence had gone anyway. My dad drove with me to the church and I stood outside. The nerves were not for the aisle itself, nor for who I was about to marry, it was for God who would watch me lie to him, in his house and break the vows before they were spoken. It was for my dear grandma who was watching me from heaven and seeing what I had done. I should have worn black that day or a hussy red dress. The aisle was the worst part of my day, all the eyes turned to me like I was a celebrity. People I cared about, people I loved, strangers, colleagues ...my son. I could not smile, it was like an insight of judgement, they were looking straight through me...they must know, they must. I put my head down. But then I saw my J smiling up at me from the other end, and I kept on going, he was there, my soul mate. I married him that day, with no doubt to who I was marrying but for him it would be a while till he knew who he was marrying.

The day went on, happily for some time. My mother caused problems as usual, trying to take control, making her way round people and being rude. She wore white dress to my wedding, a white dress?!! It makes me laugh. She also left early, she did not want to see any more people. I would learn later that she had cried to my new mother in law that I was making the biggest mistake of my life marrying her son. Crazy.

The evening do came, and I was drunk. I hadn't meant to be but I was getting nervous about my evening guests arrival. I had a plan though, I was to change, as soon as the evening do people had arrived. I wanted to get out my white dress so that he could not fulfil his fantasy. But things went pear shaped, times over ran, I was busy meeting and greeting and I could not find my new husband for ages! I finally found him having a lay down, he had gone to the loo, next to our room and had briefly laid on the bed to take it all in. We ended up making out in our newly wed bliss but people kept coming in and asking us stuff or looking in through the door. So we decided to go into the large closet, strange but it was private enough for consummating our marriage. When we finished, I could hear out in the corridor, an evening guest, not TR but it meant they had arrived. We went out to meet them all and there he was, brightly dressed in orange, his wife not the pretty filly I expected. He ran over to me and flung his arms round me, a smacker on my cheek. His wife did the same but not so intense. She said she had heard all about me and was finally glad to have met me! Blimey I was stunned. I started to get paranoid that maybe she knew, maybe she was in on it, or not, I don't know?!!! This was crazy. Then RD insisted that all B workers have a photo together including spouses, mine had disappeared again so I would be the only one without one, apart from the singletons. I sat in the middle of them all, the others stood around partners next to them, but TR left his wife and sat down on my left. His hand on my leg. his wife was behind him. At the point he put his hand on my leg, I had moved as it intercepted away from the touch and the click went. That photo remains a grim memory of that day, My eyes are shut turned from his hand and body, his face a lit with glee. Awful.

Later after all kinds of merriment and all kinds of paranoia, I went back to the cottage. I had watched him like a hawk all night but I had lost sight of him now and figured he had left. I had gone back to change and to collect some more booze for the guests, as it was stashed in our cottage. The cottage was unlocked, we had hired it for the weekend. Well the whole premises so people had been coming in and out collecting booze and leaving presents etc. I had walked into the kitchen, the cottage was deserted but I was desperate for a cuppa so had gone in there to put the agar on. Plus it heated the old cottage up so it would be nice for when we came to bed. I had just changed and was just getting the kettle off the hob, basking in the silence and peace I was getting for a little bit. And in he walked, TR. It was as if he knew I was there. I had been watching him like a hawk but he had been watching me more so...and I had lost interest and wandered off alone. Perfect opportunity I guess.

He came out with 'Great are you gonna offer me a coffee?' Maybe it was a pun, but I took it at face value and in my nervousness started to make him one. He came over to me, and grabbed my waist, we were by the kitchen table. I was trembling in fear, I had images of what was going to happen and J walking in or someone else and getting the wrong idea. I managed to move away and he said something like 'You looked stunning today, beautiful and precious'. I smiled and returned a thanks. He then said 'J is nothing like I expected, I thought he would be bigger, wore glasses and geeky or something.' I retaliated with saying his wife crossed me as being unlike what I imagined too. I said 'I thought she would be prettier and dumber' - in my own head I was thinking that she must be to be married to him anyway! He snorted it off, like he knew, he knew she was plain,  a plain woman, no spirit no passion, she was much like a sheep and this sorted him just right. Easy to manipulate, it was an obvious set up really. 'Well she will never leave me cause I am the best looking guy shes ever had, I am above her you see, shes honoured to have me'. I just felt the most inner part of me call out to that woman, if I had endured him for six months, what the hell had her life been like? He then came to me, 'I wanted you in your dress, you are prettier than my wife on our wedding day, and I want you now'. At this point I have never ever in my life been so relieved as to see someone walk in, and to be TR best friend!! Thank you so much.

TR pulled back, and said 'Hey up mate, grabbing a coffee, you fancy one?' I left the two in the kitchen as I wandered outside to the guests. By now everyone was leaving bit by bit and I was tired out. I had got upset because someone ruined our wedding cake and I decided I had enough of the day. I went back to the cottage having said my goodbyes, J told me he would be in shortly. I never expected TR to still be in there but he was waiting in the living room, sat on a chair in the same cocky leg up way. I walked in and flopped on the sofa only then to notice him. He stared at me for ages not saying a word, he looked grumpy. He just kept staring and I looked away, it was silent. He broke the silence with 'you will be going to bed with him soon, blow his brains out with it and think of me'. The thought nearly made me throw up, before I could say anything though his mate came back in from the loo, he must have been there waiting for him. They started to muck about as men do, laughing and joking about etc as looked on, they were talking about my bridesmaids and who was single, despite both being in relationships. It was then J came in, drunk. He could see that I was uneasy, he joined in small talk with them but asked them to eventually leave politely. As he did so Tr came up t him and shook his hand, 'take care of her, shes a good un that one and she looks like she needs to be taken to bed.' He then left me and J alone.

J swore at him (behind TR back) out the window, he broke the roller blind in the process. He then turned to me and said 'I know you like them two and that, and I know I don't really know them but there is something about that man, I just don't like him, the other seems ok though.' His instincts had kicked in and how right he was.

My honeymoon came, two weeks off work no TR, I was so excited. It didn't last though, texts can be received anywhere in world. And I was getting ill, quite ill.

I HAVE TO FINISH THERE TODAY, ITS LONG AS IT IS.

Take Care All and thanks for reading. Sorry its not well written.

Bethany xx

THE SECOND TIME

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS

In my last post I wrote about how I came to be a victim of rape and what actually happened the very first time, I was violated. This post will continue where I left off, and tell you of the next occasion and the aftermath of my decision not to tell anyone or report it.

So after the first time it happened, the harassment stopped. I went back to work and kept on going somehow. The immediate day after was Valentines day and my partner had given me a card and so had my son of 4. I placed them proudly on my desk at work, initially for TR to see, I would not usually have brought my cards to work but I felt I needed something to distract me and make me feel safe. TR didn't see it though,  I never saw him at all that day, I don't know if I was expecting too, having had him doing something everyday but no, it just went dead. No emails, No visits, No texts, No phone calls...it just went quiet. I didn't know how to feel about it at all, the silence was a relief but at the same time I was terrified. What was he plotting? What was his intentions now? Did he realise what he had done to me and felt guilty? Had he told anyone? It was awful just not knowing anything. For some reason I did something very unusual, I suppose it was the fear of everything. I sent him and email, the first time I had ever sent him first off, I can still remember what I put:

'Hi how are you? Look forget about the other day, I wont tell anyone, your secret is safe with me.'

What on earth I did that for I do not know, but I did. It did not receive a response. This made me more uneasy, but I just got on with it all. I saw him briefly during the two weeks after the first time. He was talking to someone on the stairs at work, I passed and he could not look me in the eye at all. I just wanted to forget about it all, things at home were a little cagey, my partner knew there was something I wasn't telling him but let me talk the lead on that and waited for me to open up. In this time, I had become a little confused, I wash washing all the time, and preening myself constantly, putting on make-up more so than normal and wearing nicer clothes and underwear. I would clean the house over and over, and keep music on all the time, driving, at home, in bed...I could not deal with silence because I would hear my thoughts.

The walk up Hellvellyn was approaching and I was getting nervous about it, everyone kept on about Striding Edge and how dangerous it was and everything but all I could think of was the fact that TR was the group leader and I would walking with him. Then he day came that I got an email from him, a week before Hellvellyn. The email however was generic and sent to all those concerned with the trip. He asked us all for our mobile numbers for safety and we had to send them to everyone who was going, a list would be written up and handed round. I understood the reasons at the time to be a safety thing but most of us had each others numbers anyway but we all obliged. In hindsight I see he was getting me to willing give me my number so he could not be seen to have stolen it from HR should I tell on him. Soon after I responded with my number, he emailed me back, privately this time.

'Sorry I not been in touch, I have had a busy couple of weeks with the new HR program. Ready for Hellvellyn?'

I gasped that he had sent this and had acted so normal. I realise now it was all a test, the silence, to see if I would actually say anything and the fact that I had responded to his number email and was still planning to do Hellvellyn spoke volumes to him. I really do not know why I even considered it to be honest. I suppose I wanted to carry on as normal, if I backed out someone might suspect something, and I was still battling over whether it actually happened like it did or not, trying to make sense of if I lured him in or wore something suggestive. Anyway, I did respond. I told him I was nervous about the trip and I hope I would not let myself down. It was normal conversation between two colleagues, nothing sinister or harassing  Just simple banter, it was nice, to feel back to normal. He was nice like he was when we first met, surely he did not really do that awful thing? I must have dreamt it up or maybe I wanted it? Maybe I did like him after all  Did I cheat on my partner? It all became very screwed up in my head.


The day of the walk came. I was nervous about all of it but drove to my work place early that Saturday on my scooter prepared for an eventful day. When we all met up outside B, we all kinda chatted over the route and what we would be doing, times and safety etc. We had three cars going I think, one TR was driving, another was SG and the other I cannot remember. As we sorted out who was going in which car, TR explained I would be with him in his car. My heart sank at this prospect as it seemed no one else was going in his car.As I got into the back of his car (the front was definitely off limits to me) another two people jumped in. S and I cannot remember the other, but a woman no doubt. I was relieved and kept quiet sat behind his chair. I took in the sights and often joined in the banter but I was conscious that he was eyeing me up through the mirror all the time.

When we got there off we went up the mountain pass and on and on and on. It seemed never ending and although I was thin and realitively healthy I was not that fit, so it shocked me that I raced ahead of the crowd, over striding edge and onto to the peak. I was first up there, first to see the stunning view which promptly put me in my place. I felt so small, so insignificant up there. It was beautiful, the view the feeling of what I ahd achieved. I was there and I did it. I took it all in, I barely thought much about the other stuff, I tired not too. I was desperately trying to act normal around him and everyone else. Soon he appeared on the peak, he claimed he had been helping S who had second thoughts and turned back on striding edge. I decided I had spent enough time on the peak and started my descent.

I loved being sat in the pub on route back, outside with a pint in hand, waiting for them to all catch up. It was a nice feeling that I had done it all and I survived. I knew it grieved him that he spent little time with me on the trip, I could see it made him angry and that made me smile all the more. I had taken control off him for a short time and it felt good. We all talked over our time up there and did some party tricks, me being me did my famous I can walk on my ankles trick which freaked everyone out. I also gave myself a full back and shoulder massage in front of everyone which again raised a few eyebrows. I am an extremely flexible woman and it really does make people stare. I don't know why this felt good, but people liked me and we all bonded on what we had achieved. I was now officially part of the B gang, and no longer the new girl.

The way home was much like the way there, it felt quicker as it always does. There was some banter in the car about sex, which felt a little uncomfortable but I ignored it all the same. I remember he talked a lot about his wife and little girl. When we got back to work it was late and I was so tired. The prospect of driving my scooter back was hell but a nesscaity. As I approached my scooter and my started to put on my overalls, his car drove over to me. Everyone had gone now and it was just him and me in the car park. He ushered me over to the car window. I went over, he asked if I needed a lift home. had it of been someone else, I would have accepted but I just couldn't bring myself to get in the car alone with him never mind how tired and achy I was. He said suit yourself and drove off. I got on my scooter and tried to start it, it would not start. I tried again and again but it would not go. This made me slink down to the pavement and cry. I was exhausted and I wanted to get home to my boys. I then got a message from him on my mobile, saying something like this:

'Shame you didn't want a lift, I could have given you a pressie I have for you. I missed not speaking to you today. I want to talk to you. '

I didn't respond and tried my scooter again and again. In the end I gave up and tried ringing my partner  who was asleep and not picking up. He would not of been able to to come get me anyway as our son would have been asleep. I responded to his message with something like:

'Are you still in area? As my bike wont start and I need a lift.'

He did respond but claimed he was in the chippy getting food for himself, hang on. I then tried my scooter again and low and behold it worked!!! And I was off in a flash. I never got another message that night and I slunk into bed with my partner back home with a smile.

Two months went by and he continued to send me emails and texts and phone calls. During this time I became quite promiscuous with my husband. Wanting sex all the time, and doing stuff I would not of ordinarily done. Such as dancing in sexy lingerie, impulsive sex anywhere in the house, rude texts and all sorts. My partner didn't question my behaviour why would he? He was having great fun and sex! Most of the messages from TR were suggestive or romantic. At times he would say stuff really gross and other times he would be nice and flattering. I always seemed to respond, and to this day I not sure why. I think responding kept him off my back, if I played his little game, he would not come up to me physically at work, he would stay away and keep the whole undercover thing going, which suited me better than touching me up at work or worse yet. If I failed to respond he would ring, if I failed to respond again he would find an excuse either work related or something else to get back in touch. He would always ask me about my wedding plans and if he was invited. He said he could not fantasising about me in a white wedding gown and doing me at the wedding. IT was all pretty seedy stuff. He sent photo messages and video of him wanking, of his cock and other stuff and expected me to do the same. I usually lied and said I was not at home or out somewhere, or better yet with my husband. He would ask me to picture my boobs and send it and ask me to wank and film we saying his name over and over. I never did, but I did contemplate it. Sometimes it was even a turn on? How on earth it was like that I don't know. Instead I would make the videos and photos and send them to my partner. It made me feel like I wasn't cheating or anything and yet I got the sexiness out of my system. TR was affecting me someway and I could not see why this was? It made me feel worse about it all, how could I report it all now? It seemed I had coerced in talking to him, I had responded to him sometimes and was friendly to him in front of others at work. Mind you he was like a jeckell and hyde, inf ront of others he was charming, and over texts like a friend then BAM switch would come on and he would change, he would be sexual in someway if we were alone at work and his texts would become quite disgusting. He told me that no one got him like I did. That I was his only hope, his only true love. His soul mate. I understood what he liked and I knew him like no one else, even more so than his wife. I remember the text that read:

We really do love each other don't we? I wish we could be together. We are so alike you and me.

I responded to this text with I will never leave J and I am getting married, maybe we are a like, I don't know.

I was confused and shocked by his confession but considered it was another way to reel me in, he had not seen me to touch or anything for a while. I had made sure that I was unavailable or out or just not around whenever he tried to suggest meeting up.


The most difficult part of my working day would be arriving. Everyday I would have to walk past his office and his door would be open peering from behind his desk. He would know I was in work, what I was wearing an where I was heading. If I was to go into the interview room alone it was opposite his room. If I was to go into the break room I had to pass the doorway again. He had full trace on me at all times. So I stared to take time off work. For sickness, for stress, my work ability was reducing and it was becoming noticeable. I kept blaming it on the wedding but I was starting to crack a little under the pressure.

Another walk had been arranged for May, somewhere else in the lake district I think it was for Scarfell Pike. I was a little apprehensive and said no this time, but all the other members of the gang pushed me to do it, after all it was smaller than the last one and I was one of the best at it. I signed up again reluctantly this time. It was scheduled for May 26th the day after my mums birthday.

A month prior to the walk, i stared sending out my invitations for my July wedding. TR kept asking if he was invited, saying it MUST be. I had my guest list all sorted and only family and close friends would be coming to the actual wedding. This included some of my more close friends from work too. The evening do had a little more broader scope of guests, and this included some more people from work, including TRs close colleagues and  this caused some confusion in my eyes. I did not want to invite him to my wedding, I kept thinking of what he said about me in my dress but by this time he had built up a rapport with me in the office in front of everyone claiming I was his 'bessie'. If I did not  invite him people would ask why not, and yet I did not want him to go. Even my partner when he looked at the list asked why TR was not on it knowing that I had taken some calls from him, and he had even met him outside my work when picking me up once or twice. I brushed it off that I had forgotten him and added him to the list. I remember writing his name on the invite in calligraphy. I wrote it several times, I always messed it up. I remember just giving in and writing it different from the rest. I handed them out but passed his to another IT developer to pass on. So that's how he got invited to what was meant to be the best day of my life.

Prior to this though was the walk and it was fast approaching. I carried on at work as normal and got on with stuff the best way I knew how, I had learned how to cope with his harassment and knew that telling someone at work was not really an option, he had been clever to disguise himself and our relationship at a platonic friendship which was obvious to all. I contemplated telling my boss, but I saw she was under a lot of pressure as the structure at work was changing. I had started to avoid him more so now, I had built up a way to protect myself from him during works hours, as I requested to change my desk so that I could no face the open plan entrance  meaning I could shift off if I caught a glimpse of him. Of course, my computer always went wrong though. I sometimes would ask a colleague if they were passing IT to ask one of the them to come down to fix it, I never wanted to go there myself. I always hoped that it would be the lady IT woman who would come. One day however, I had been avoiding the emails and messages for while as I had just about had enough now and I had also ignored the generic messages about the walk next week. My computer froze all of a sudden and there was no one else around but my boss, who was no way gonna trek to IT for me. I tried to get on doing paperwork but I needed my computer, admin always needs a computer. I could see my boss was looking over as I was getting frustrated as to what to do and she ushered me to IT. Damn it. I went as slow as possible, nerves a plenty. As I approached the doorway to the IT department I saw him, sat there legs up, arms crossed.

'Hello my dear, having problems with the computer again?' No one else was in the room, it was my late shift and most people had left. I cringed a 'Yeah, funny that, it keeps happening a lot recently'.

He smiled. 'Well I better take a look at the server (blar blar blar technical jargon I could not understand) and got up and started to walk to a door which lead behind the office. I had no idea what was in there, I had never been in, I just thought it was where they did all the technical stuff. He then said 'you will have to come in here and tell me the problem, I need to look at the (something something) if this keeps happening a lot.'

I was suspicious to say the least but not wanting to dispute his actions I walked toward the door, he had opened it and was ushering me forward. He then said 'have you ever seen the (blar blar) its beautiful, this is the room where all my works pays off, the room where it all happens'

As I walked towards the door he grabbed my arm and thrust me inside. He shut the door behind me and locked it! He pinned me up against the door, my head hit a coat hanger or something on the back of it, it may have caught my shirt a little do as I felt a little strangled. I had clocked the emergency glass door exit to my right and in my head thought that was my escape route. Also it was a pure window to the open world, he would be seen doing something here. He saw me look over, and pulled me away from the exit. I was laughing somewhat, I think it was nerves. I kept saying 'no, TR, not here, we will be caught, no, I can't really, I can't'. I tried to be nice about it!! Why I do not know. I should have screamed in hindsight but I was reacting how I had always reacted to things I did not want to do, be nice and calm and try to get out of it somehow, until I give in, and I always give in. I knew at this point I was trapped, that I was stuck with him in here. He lifted me from the doorway with my legs wrapped around him, he was holding them there I was carried over the wires and cables lying all over the floor past two lanes of massive computers with flashy lights and loud noises like a generator. It was noisy and musty in there and very dark. At the back of the room he pinned me against the end of one of the computers which went up to the ceiling. It was then I flopped to the ground, I not sure why, I just went limp. It was silly really, I thought that it would save me somehow if I curled up in a ball but no, He undid his zip and out came his penis, hard and upright. My head was down trying to avoid the thing in front of my face, he said 'Look what I got for you', he kept trying to lift my face up from my chin. I resisted for a while but he was quite strong and eventually my head had to come up. In a split second it was in my mouth and he was shoving it in as far as it could go, thrusting and making me gag. I remember I could barely breath as my nose had always been blocked with polyps and I was getting quite light headed and faint. He noticed I was not participating but it did not matter, he pulled out and I gasped for air. I was weakened by the five minutes or more of little oxygen. He pulled me up, I was floppy at this point and a little dazed. He pulled up my skirt and peeled down my tights. I was still a little weak but I remember trying to make it as hard as possible by squirming. At this point he said that 'he like me struggling, keep doing that, oh that's so good, it turns me on so much, I want to dominate you completely, submit to me now'. I could not quite understand what I was hearing, he wanted me to struggle more and shout, bite anything and with this I stopped dead. I didn't want to turn him on anymore, so I gave up. He kept shoving his tongue in my mouth and his fingers were now up me, he kept saying how he liked how wet I was, it made him know I was enjoying myself. I may have been wet but it was likely I was ovulating rather than being turned on!!! It was painful not pleasurable. He then managed to slip his penis inside me, it was difficult cause I made it so, I kept putting my legs straight and he kept lifting them up. In the end he kept one leg up and the went for it till he came in me. When it was done he zipped up and I sorted myself out, I was swollen and covered in his spunk. I felt so cheap and dirty. He then led me to the door again and place me behind it, I did anything at this point, totally in shock of what had happened again. He unlocked the door and ventured out into the room, he then locked the door again with me inside. I could hear him chatting to someone out there. He asked them to get him a tea or something from the break room and off they went. he unlocked the door and came in, he planted a kiss on me and said 'time to go and ssssh be a good girl'.

I waled out bewildered and most obviously messed up. I kind of wandered out of the room in silence. He shouted behind me as the other colleague returned with tea ' your computer will be working fine now, any more problems just come back and we can take a look again'. I just kept on walking. I walked back to my desk, I could see my other colleague look at me again strangely, I was trying to hold back tears. I ran off to the loos. She came in and asked if I was ok? I was wiping off the spunk from my tights and knickers and sobbing  'I'm fine, honestly, i just not feeling too well, I must have a cold coming or something' and she left. I came out and decided I would leave a little early than my shift was up to but I didn't care, I just went. Thats was Friday the 18th of May and I had the next week of work due to half term to recover. But then there was the walk the next Saturday.

I went on the walk, my partner said it would do me some good and I was still trying to back out up to the last minute. In fact I tired to get my partner to come with me, but he was reluctant and we needed someone to watch our boy. So I went, but this time TR was not driving, he was a passenger. I was able to get in the car with SG this time so I did not have to sit with him at all. I sat in the front and he was in the back on the way there. His best friend CP was in there too and it was all a jolly good trip there. When we arrived we all realised that the weather was not acceptable for Scarfell Pike so wandered around teh nearest town for a bit and took a smaller ramble instead. I was in a mood the whole time and it was noticeable  my manager was also present and saw me as a bit rude and tried to exert her authority over me despite the fact that we were not at work. I called my partner in tears, but then he calmed me down and I made sure I talked so loudly to him that TR would hear me telling my partner how much I missed him and wished he was here. I kept telling him how much I loved him etc etc. When I finished TR said in a mood also 'I do believe you are trying to make me jealous' I was I suppose.

I backed out of the ramble half way round, my shoulders were killing from carrying the bag on them and mainly because they were still stiff and bruised from the thrashing with TR the week before. The journey home was different, CP had taken the front seat and I was left with TR in the back. He had brought a blanket to cover us up as the car had no heating in it and we were to be fair all wet and cold. The blanket however shielded the unimaginable things he was doing to me underneath from the pair in thr front and in a car there is not a lot you can do. I kept my mouth shut and as he stroked and played and wanked off next to whilst holding a conversation with the two in the front I never know, but he did.

 I did not return to work on the Monday for a week. And when I returned I had to have a health review because I had had so many days off it had hit a low percentage or something. So I had to speak to HR and I told them a few things they probably didn't believe.


I WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW, THIS IS A LONG ONE SO I AM SORRY FOR THAT.

Peace to you.

Bethany xxx

THE FIRST TIME

It was 2006 when I started work for B, a housing assocation local to us. My finace and I had moved to a larger home, having been in a wee flat when I was a single mum, it made sense to start a fresh and we rented a large house in the country becuase we got more for our money than in the town. I didnt drive then but I did drive a scooter so it was fun travelling the 10 mile to work on that on country roads. 

I applied for the role of a housing/benefit advisor, I had been a single mum and indepedantly living free from my parents since I was 17 so I had a lot of life experience to share and felt this was a position I could sink my teeth into as well as being rewarding. I began in November 2006 and loved every minute. My first training day was the day I met TR (The Rapist). I remember sitting there around the large conference table surrounded by women of mixed ages and one man. I had instantly clocked him as he was sat so confident and the other women were cooing round him. He had his leg half on the table in a cocky manor and his face was lit by the attention he was getting. He had his phone out and was showing it round, a photo of his six month old baby girl. The women were saying the usual 'awww she's adorable' but the whole time he was fixated on me. I of course knew no one and was sat on a limb. He winked at me when I looked over, rolling his eyes at the baby pitched high voice women. I smiled in return, I was not into the whole baby scene much but respected the fact his daughter was a lovely baby. Throughout the whole session he kept making small talk in breaks and again winking during the actual training. I found it nice that someone was making an effort to make me feel part of the team. I remember thinking as we women do, 'he's handsome' but not my type. I also thought he seemed a little arogant but I hardly knew him so how could I know what he was like. I learnt that day he was 35 years old, which was nine years my senior at the time, and he was married with the new baby. He talked about them so nicely I found it was endearing. He worked in the IT department and was a huge music fan.

The next working day he emailed me to see if I had recovered from the boring training. I replied, and coerced in some friendly banter over email. Days prgressed and I didn't really give it much thought, I didn't see him much but he emailed now and again to see how i was settling in. He came down one day to my department for some reason, probably a tech thing and sat opposite in the same leg crossed argogant position, and started to chatting to me about my scooter outside, showing an intrest in the whole scooter scene. He then emailed me some more, and came to sit with me at dinner in the break zone. I found our chats were normal friendly and often fun. He asked if I was with someone, not an unusual question seen as he had told me of his wife. I told him I was getting married in the following July, he gave me a few tips and congratulated me. The emails kept coming, I didn't mine, it broke the boringness of being a trainee doing the shit jobs and his emails were often funny or interesting. I learned about his music passions and foudn we had a lot in common with our hobbies. I mentioned to my finace that he was emailling me, and referenced maybe a little too much, as I didn't really get why he was doing it, but like my fiance I felt it was just banter afterall he was married. 

I signed under his persuassion to climb Helvellyn in the lake district for charity and under the B umbrella. this was to happen in the march and we were in the new year already. I remeber the first email which was slightly suggestive, I had been talking about were I would like to go on my honeymoon and he had replied that it depended if I wanted to be hot and topless, thonged bikini or wet suit? I laughed it off and replied it was non of his business, to which he responded 'fair enough, I was only jokin'. So the emails and friendly chats in the break room continued, nothing felt sinister nor uncomfortable. On a few ocassions his words became a little more intense, like 'you are wearing that tight little skirt I like again' with a LOL at the end. I would always brush it off, make an excuse for it. Then it became more suggestive like what underwear do you wear, and what type of men are you into etc etc. This is when a few alarm bells rang and I mentioned to my best friend about it, she laughed too, thinking some old fella fancied me and just don't reply. So I didn't reply to the smutty messages, sometimes I would to the normal ones. Then he did a very clever thing, he text me. Now I not sure how he got my phone number but I assumed it was off the HR network which manged addresses, leave and payroll. He made the program that did this and managed it so it was easy for him to access what he wanted. He sent me a few messages via text, and they were harmless, usually silly jokes that seemed to have been sent to numerous people etc. I would always tell my partner them, and who they were from. 

Again I got a few more emails, and messages that started to become so frequent I was hardly able to keep doing my work. I ignored them, but that would spur him on and would mean he would find some excuse to come down to my department, he would then speak to me in front of everyone as normal and I would be compelled to respond because he would actively invite people into our conversation. This made it awkward to tell him to back off and after all everyone loved him so much, including my boss. I started to think about saving some of the emails and messages, just incase I felt I should report it to someone. I collected them up in a folder in my inbox backed up with another folder in my desktop. One day I went to my dinner and returned to my desk, my computer had been played with, he had wiped all my emails!! This really pissed me off, and I sent a rather rude email to him, asking why he had done that and who did he think he was?!! He responded that he was sorry but wasn't sure if I was getting the wrong idea so thought it was best to make sure no else saw, he was very nice and apologetic but I realised at this point what the deal really was. I made it clear he was not to do that again and to back off. This did all but spur him on. 

I considered going to my boss, but he was a favourite of hers and they would often be seen lunching together and laughing. Who would believe me? I was a new girl of 2 months, he was a manager and been around five years. As he seemed to get the message, I did nothing. He backed off and I got on with my work. Until Valentines day approached. He sent me a message asking my advice on what to get his wife? I ignored the message until he came down to the desk to ask me and the other women what he should get? They all chipped in, and I stayed quiet. He said 'I was thinking some lingerie, what you think B?' I looked up and shrugged, I explained I would hate that but only he would know what his wife liked. He went back to his room. I went out to lunch that day, it seemed better than staying in the break room where he could come over and join me. I walked out into the cool air and began walking to the town, the place was on an industrial estate and a ten min walk to the centre. A few minutes into my walk and I got a shout and wait up from behind me, and before I knew he was walking along side of me. He asked if I minded him walking into town with me. I responded that in fact I was going to B&Q which was where we about at by then and he said 'great, me too!'. I rolled my eyes, I felt so uncomfortable now with him, and guilty too, as if I was cheating on my partner in some way. When we got into B&Q I swiftly took to the paint aisles and pretended to look, I rang my partner wanting to distract from the fact there was a maniac near by. I couldn't get through to him so I kept pacing around trying to avoid where ever TR had gone. As I got to the back of the store he pounced out, and said 'arrgh there you are' and reached out to me, he grabbed my hand and rushed me to a metal pillar which he hid behind. Pinned to the metal pillar he lifted my skirt, pulled down my knickers and swiflty put his fingers up me. I was so in shock and could not scream as his tongue was literally down my throat! It was painful. Suddenly he pulled out and ran off, people were approaching who seemed to work at our place too. He scampered leaving me dazed and confused. I ran around the store, trying to see if he had left or not, I did not want him to approach me on the way back. I then found a quiet spot in the tile aisle and rang my partner in tears. Unable to speak from my distress, I tried to explain something had happened at work and I needed him. He calmed me down and asked about it, I said not here not now, not over the phone. He also got a bollocking for talking on the phone from his boss and soon cut the conversation short. My instinct was to runaway, not to return to work but somewhere in me I knew I had to go back, I was the breadwinner and my scooter and helmet where back at work anyway. I pulled myself together and returned, I cleaned up my tears in the bathroom and went back to my desk passing his room on the way, to where he sat, head down. 

I carried on that afternoon, knowing it was my late shift too. He did not email me or message me and I sighed in relief. My boss came over and explained she was going to do some training with me and would sit next to me at the desk beside me. Great! I would be safe with the boss. Soon into training the computer started to malfunction and she called TR t come fix it. My heart skipped a beat as he crouched down next to me on the floor and started to tweak the system. He also started to feel up my leg under the desk and in my desperation to avoid this, I got up and asked if my boss or anyone else would like a tea. they all valued the suggestion so off I went to the break room whilst my supposedly broken computer was fixed. I started to make the tea in the lonely room, no one was there just me. Soon the door opened and I saw it was him. He came over to me and grabbed my arm, he said 'come with me' and started to pull me toward him. I resisted and said 'no, no, no' but I admit not being one to rock the boat or anything, I was smiling at the same time. I was being too nice really and should have screamed. He kept dragging me toward the male loos, his back to the door pulled me inside. I can't quite remember what I did to prevent it, resist at this point but I tried but it was very quick and he was very strong. 

Inside the toilets he shoved me into the toilet cubicle and pinned me to the right side. He lifted my skirt and said 'you were so wet in B&Q I needed to feel it again', I could feel his bulge pressing against me. I said something like 'no and then please not here, no'. He then said 'why not?' I know you want it and you can tell I want it' putting my hand down his pants. He then just continued to kept thrusting his tongue down my throat  or biting my breasts sore and hard. If his mouth did not cover my lips it was one finger which crossed it like to say sssh. I did not say anything. I closed my eyes, in pain and shock. He then ripped my tights and slipped his cock in me. I new what was happening and kept my eyes firmly shut the whole time. All I could think of was my partner, if he could see this, if he would want me now, if he would want to marry me, my mum would be wanting to cancel it all, the whole uproar, the possible loss of my job and money. Then it was over, quickly. He zipped up, but someone else came in the cubicle. So he put his hand over my mouth and he held his breath. He then whispered 'wait here' and left. Small talk was had out at the basins and they both left the bathroom. I pulled up my tights, half ripped and tidied myself up, put my bra back in place and started to emerge from the cubicle, shaking. Just then he came back in, he said 'the coast is clear out here now' and signalled me to come out, which I did. He then smiled at me and said 'sssh be a good girl' and left the room. I went into the female loos and wiped the seamen, from my legs, crying and shaking. I wiped my eyes and washed my face and returned to make tea. 

When I got back to my desk, the computer was fine, as I suspect it was all the time. My boss had decided to call it a day, it was 4.20pm. My friend J was opposite and noticed that I was a little shaken but said nothing when I responded I was fine. I finished my day and left. 

I cried all the way home that evening on my scooter. I contemplated running over the cross roads without looking. It knew my life had changed and it was horrible. I got home and looked after my boy put him to bed and waited for my parnter to return. He did, and I was sat in a heap on the floor, crying and kept saying everything is ruined...its all ruined. He cuddled me and asked what had happened and through my tears I took a breath to tell him, and just then he said 'if anyone has hurt you I am going to seek them out and kill them, I will honestly rip their head off' and in that instant, I stopped. 

I told him nothing just that something big had happened at work and I would be fine. My best friend came over that night, I forget where my partner went. I managed to tell her what happened, and she told me to report it. I explained that my partner might not understand or believe me, and would not want to marry me in a couple of months time. I loved him and the wedding was booked, I wanted to marry him still. I knew my mother would cause havoc and cancel everything and make a big uproar, and my dad would consider walking into my work and half killing the fella. No, I had to think about it. I didn't mention it again to her. 

I asked my husband to make love to me that night. I felt that I needed him to be the last person to have been there, despite the fact I had someone else's seamen in me earlier. I asked him not to wear protection either, I knew I would be getting a morning after pill the next day. I cried the whole time, and I explained to my husband it was out of joy and happiness. It was not, it was hell. 

My breasts were covered in bruises and grots, and my arms where stiff from being pinned and thrashing, however I peeled myself from the bed and went back to work the very next day (valentines day) and the next and the next. For two weeks TR never came near me, or text, or emailed. But then it began again..............

I'LL WRITE THE NEXT PART TOMORROW/ 

Night all. 

Bethany Black

xx

A NEW BEGINNING.

Hi world.

I have just started this blog and intend to post as often as possible my story of my rape experience in detail as I think although it maybe a trigger for some, it may also be worth someone seeing this to know when rape is rape and for another to see the behaviour of a woman (and possibly men too) in the aftermath of such an event, and what it does not only to the victim but the people closest to the victim.  Its is important I think that you read my about me page and some of the other writings I did at my worst before reading the main posts but hey, this is really about me getting myself heard so go where your heart leads :-)

I am also 'just' experiencing the police side as it has now been reported so I may touch on that a little but I wanted to put my experience down first so I'll try to be fluid in my posting. I will write my first post tomorrow.

Thanks for looking and take care.

Bethany xx