My name is Bethany Black, its not my real name but I cannot do that right now. I am a victim/survivor of rape, harassment and numerous other offences under one man, a colleague. It would take a long time to write all this up in one full statement as it were but I will try in brief in a moment. Firstly I must say why I wanted to write this blog, and to be fair I don't know. I have always been a writer and so it felt natural to write all this down on paper...or keyboard in reality. I want my little space to see if there are any others out there that have experiences that I can relate to, and although I have been to many websites and blogs of a similar kind to find a kindred spirit most are no longer active or in the USA which doesn't matter really as everyone feels the same wherever they are but I wanted to feel close to someone, maybe I am being silly here. I am however hoping that I can meet some nice people who would see me as a relatively sane person rather than a one who is 'damaged'.
So this is my story, and I use that in the sense that its seems fit for purpose but 'story' I suppose sounds like fiction and this is far from fictional, it is all my own reality. I wish for me at least it was fictional. I am going to post my story bit by bit as it will be way too distressing and long for this page to do it in one sitting. What I am going to do is give you a brief account of my life and how I came to this place.
I was born in 1984 in North Yorkshire, I had the normal two parent family, white British with two cats and a older brother who drove me nuts. I was bullied at primary school because I was different, creative and poor, but it did not dampen my spirit nor do i feel sore about it, it was just the way it was and is for many. I was classed as 'gifted' by professionals but mum wanted me to stay at home with her than be in a gifted school. By secondary school I developed boobs and I became 'pretty' which then made me popular with the boys and this made girls want to hang with me as the boys would always follow. I will add here that the bullies were nobodies by then and this is was what they deserved. At 12 I wrote a short film for the Jerwood Film Prize and got third place in the UK. I never told my parents as writing was always poo pooed by my controlling mother, who although was a qualified english teacher, I was never as good as Shakespeare. Talking of Shakespeare I read his complete works by the age of 11 and understood every word. He is my hero to this day, shame he was a man. At 15 I lost my virginity to a boy I would later fall in love with. We had a child (by accident) when I was 19. I finished school with 10 gcses 5 of which were A or A*. I went to college, but had a breakdown when my parents divorced and I left college and never tried for University until my son was 2. I had a series of jobs before my son came along but nothing permanent but necessary as when my parents separated and sold the house at 17 I moved to my own home. I fell in love with my son immediately, he was the love of my life and my partner did not like it. He soon became violent toward us both so we separated. I met my now husband about a year later and we soon became a happy little family, he loved my son as his own and visa versa for my son. We moved to a larger home, got engaged and I decided to start part time work when my boy was 3 and a half. I started working 25 hours at a housing association as an advisor equipped with knowledge of housing and benefits from being a young independent to a single mum. It was there that I encountered the worst experience of my life, three months into to working there a man with whom I had built a working relationship, someone who befriended me as I did not know anyone or my way around dragged me into the male cubicles and raped me. This was six months before I was due to be married. As the breadwinner at the time, and expecting that the wedding would be cancelled by my mum, my fiance would leave me and possibly the most loved person at my work would be believed over the new girl, I kept quiet. To my own undoing as he continued to achieve to raped me three more times, harass me constantly via, email, calls and texts, assault me at work, at home and at my wedding. I endured this for 18 months whilst working there and then I moved to another association where I thought it would stop. It did not, it got worse. The only end I felt was to get pregnant and then I would not be as appealing...I became pregnant and the harassment stopped for a little, then afterward it began again. I was diagnosed with PTSD after my daughter was born, I started to self harm, I tried to commit suicide twice and I cracked up completely. I confessed all to my husband and family during this time and begged them not to seek him out, nor ring the police. I was terrified I would not be believed. I nearly lost my husband for that decision alone. My husband began drinking and became very depressed too, we split up last year. During the breakdown I had four counselors one professional rape counselor a metal health support worker, a financial support worker, a parent support worker and a phyachistrst each claiming that the extent of the abuse I endured had damaged me terribly and that it was such terrible experience (I'll write it up in detail in the blog), I may not ever be off medication. I also was diagnosed with Stockholm Sydrome, having discovered I continued to excuse this mans behavior and wanted people to forgive him. After losing my job, as I could not return to my career due to my personal safety, the police were informed eventually but due to my state of mind they wanted me to call at a later date to make the official statement (it was already classed as historical at this point so it would not matter how long it was left). I got better with help and recently rekindled my relationship with my darling husband, we are now embarking on the grueling task of taking my attacker to court, together. Also my mother has had to be removed from my life due to the ill affects of her on my mental health, she has been diagnosed with Narracistic Personality Disorder which in some ways explains why I reacted to the experience the way I did.
My life has been turned upside down due to one man, a man who is loved and cherished by his work, colleagues wife child and friends. He had many consensual affairs, and maybe someone else has been subjected to his wrath but this man, ruined me in every way possible, I will tell you how but I just wanted to say that I may not win my case, it may become BIG news, I may even have to pull this off the cyber net but I wanted someone to know, that you can survive, I am still surviving, but its better than being dead and not seeing my children, I am stronger for the experience and I will make a difference. I have done the right thing and I will look him in the eye when he claims not guilty, I will sit in the box and say my peace with no fear. He cannot hurt me ever again. He will not. This is not about winning or being believed, it is about saving others from him and from other predators. To make society WAKE up to the abuse all around us and to try make 10% of reported rape to 90% and then maybe they may just change the process, for god sake I wish entrapment on this occasion would be able to be used. I know if I were dropped in the net again, if he caught a whiff of me within a few feet he would not be able to resist the tempatation to do something...then BANG caught. But this is not so, it is different. I am currently recording my experience of reporting my case to the police in a video diary as there is no information of what happens from the victims point any where so I will be putting them on when its done and dusted as I cannot whilst things are so much still in the early days with the Police.
Thanks for looking anyway.
Bethany Black
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