I am sorry that I have not been up to date as I would have liked. I was hoping to write every night but it has been a little impossible over half term and as no one else knows that I am writing or sharing this with the world I wait till I am alone to write it, and I am seldom alone believe me.
I am waiting for a call from my dad, he rings me twice a day, he lives and hour away and I see him every week. My husband is out, drinking I think, at least he's honest about his drinking now. My children are asleep and so here I am filling my nights with flashbacks and writing them up. They are not harmful flashbacks any more but if I do not keep them under control, I will have to stop writing this up. I can feel his presence in me again, the age old poison that sits somewhere in my body. I notice things when I am out, I think if he will be there. Its as if I know its inevitable, I HAVE to see him again, I know its coming, maybe he sees me but I am oblivious. I feel that something big is happening, it makes me uneasy. I know that it is the police enquiry....the whole catching him out, the facing up to him, the whole process is a nightmare but yet its the only way out?! Maybe not I could keep quiet but my mind, oh my mind, it tells me to be bigger than I have ever been before, as if this was meant to happen to me, its bigger than me, I have to ,make a difference, I have to stand up, for there was something that my perpetrator could not read about me, that I am strong, I am stronger than any other woman he has laid to bed against their will. He saw vulnerability in me, and groomed me but what he did not see was my soul, the soul that hid away for years to please my mother and the soul that will rise above it all and bring him down. How could he see? I could not see, but I have grown and this has made me stronger, I will make a change.
Before I continue where I left off, I saw a woman yesterday that has been a solid foundation for my 'post traumatic growth' and if she is reading this, I want her to know, that I smile every time I think of her, she has brought sunlight where there was dark and made me realise it was OK to be myself. I know that we may not see each other for a while but when we do, it will be in the making of something special, something for all of us, a place for change. Thank you xx
So where was I? Arrgh yes, the best day of my life right? My wedding day. Rewind a little to the back end of the last post, I said that when I went back to work, come June that year, I had to have a review about my time off. Health attendance is always monitored in most major companies and mine was no exception. I had hit the low percentage mark and I was in for it. I went into a meeting with HR and I burst into tears. I told them that something happened to me, something big. I could not say it, I was too scared, in fact I was terrified. I stumbled to say I was raped, I still struggle to this day but yet, I just must have seemed like a bumbling idiot to them. Gasping and puffing and starting a sentence I could not finish:
'I was .........[breath]....errrm...I mean something happened...[pant out]...I went....[breathe in] into.....no I had this man that....[loosing all ability to breathe at all]....its just to horrible [sigh, sob uncontrollably].
That was the (non) conversation I had with the HR manager trying to explain my reasons for low quality work and non attendance. It didn't go well, like a bad bad interview at the most wanted job....not good at all. I got the usual, well obviously something is going on and its time you got it sorted and get back on track. I am thinking I will assign you a visit to the Occupational Therapist we have who visits, maybe the stress of the job and wedding is getting to you, a little too much it seems and I was dismissed.
I thought long and hard about that meeting, I had the perfect chance to tell all and I blew it, I just couldn't even say what happened. But all was not lost, I felt I could do something, I was always able to write down my feelings, I could write her a letter, explain it all without saying a word. PERFECT!!!! You would think, but no. I could not write his name, nor the word rape. I kept writing pear instead, as it was easier for me and then the letter made no sense.
I was peared, it was horrible. It was here in this building. TR peared me. He is a pearist.
WTF? HR would think I was a nutter, I was beginning to think I was anyway. What the hell? But no, I could not do it. In the end I wrote this long far fetched letter about when I had finished work (Feb 13th) I had gone home and alone I had a visit from my partners good friend. I had let him in the house and whilst waiting for my partners return the man had taken advantage of me, in the worst possible way. I left it open for imagination there, it was the only way to get round not saying it. why I wrote such a thing was beyond me, I must have thought that I needed to tell them what had happened to justify my behaviour without the added stress of a complete upheaval at work, being suspended while investigated and possibly loose my job. I thought this was a way to get work off my back, to empathise with my situation and help. So I gave it to HR. It did not help. Instead I think, they did not believe me, at all, initially yes but then they just could not be bothered at all. They left that to the Occupational Therapist.
I met with that woman, on a few occasions. She seemed nice, she had read my letter, she knew to a degree what I was going through. She took me out of the building on our sessions, she felt I kept things hidden when I was in there, that I felt watched. I was watched, every room in that building apart from the toilets (ha ha) are CCTV for security reasons. And I was being watched, if not by HR or my boss, most definitely by him. I was not going to say a word in there at all! There was no sound but vision was enough, I was trapped. So she took me out and every session she said to me I was in denial about what happened. I was not letting go to reality, I had to repeat after her 'On February 13th 2007, I was raped' most days I got as far as the date, some days I would not even get to February through tears until one day I managed it. It took a few weeks...........but he was still harassing me and being friendly the other half of the time. It was all just one big mess!!! After I finally said it and broke down in a mess outside a building behind our office and on the pavement into a practical strangers arms, I went back to work. I never saw the woman again, HR stopped the sessions.
He was the only one I could turn to. The only one who knew, the only one who could sense my pain and anguish. He offered me a shoulder and I took it. He held me and kissed my head. 'I know, you are hurting but you will be OK, we must stick together, we are so alike, we must be strong for each other'. His comfort was the strangest comfort to receive, the most dangerous, most weirdest complex comfort ever. The perpetrator offered me a way out, hope and safety. He was the only one who knew the truth, and he had to keep it that way. He was clever to do this, he kept asking if I was alright? He would come check I was ok at my desk, at lunch, at home everywhere. His role changed a little, he began to seem like my protector, like he was making sure I would not be hurt again. He did not hurt me during this time, and he did keep me safe, from himself. Its strange as in hindsight he must have seen the pressure had got to me after the last occasion and he may have been scared I almost cracked open to everyone. Instead he saw it to give me what I needed, comfort and love. Very clever, and very methodical. He had thought every thing out perfectly and he won as I did calm down, I began to work better, I strolled into work with smile, I managed to find something in me that just pushed what he did aside and see him as a saviour. My partner had noticed too, he saw I was coping better. I explained to him that TR had been a great help, he had made me feel better about the awful thing that had happened to me and was protecting me at work. How screwed up is that?! I still loved my partner and I did not want to leave him to run into TR arms or anything it was just now the harassment had turned into something deeper, something far worse. He had groomed me, I was under his complete control. If I came to him and acted as his best friend, in front of people, at work at lunch, he was kind and caring. His messages would be out of care and offering a shoulder. He would always know just what I was thinking and would be there in a flash before I could say anything. Suggestive emails stopped and were replaced with kind gestures such as 'hows the wedding plans? how is J? Are your kids ok? Most of all is my darling B ok? You are precious to me.' Looking back it makes me sick but yet I took it all in, and it felt good.
My wedding was fast approaching and I was a little nervous, when I got a minute to think about stuff, the inner voice in me said STOP!!!! I had this tiny little voice saying 'you cannot walk down the aisle without J knowing everything about you, you cannot lie to him in front of God'. I am not a holy person much I was more so then than now, but I felt horrible. I could barley walk into church without thinking God would take his wrath on me. That I would have to be punished in some way. I was totally confused about the way I was protecting my TR, to the point I could not face seeing him fired, or put away due to my actions. I felt responsible in someway. But yet, I knew I loved J, I wanted him so much to be my husband. I loved him more than I loved myself and I could not bare the thought of him leaving me. So my wedding day arrived and I walked the aisle, but not without consequences.
During the nice TR months, I had drawn up my invites. I had written my guest lists for both day and night do and I had made the invitations myself. I was ready to calligraphy each one and send it. I had decided that my closer mates at work could come to the day do, but not TR. Although it seemed he was a good friend now to all around us, it just felt wrong and somewhere in me I did not want him there at all. That would be just going a little too far. As I toyed with my list and changed the numbers and swapped table plans and everyone excitingly kept asking me at work if they were invited etc etc. I deliberated his invitation. I had decided not to put him on the list, no I couldn't do it, to J at least. But when the invites were done and J saw them all and signed his part, he asked where was TR's? He knew that TR had rung me to see if I was ok on occasions, and when asked how work was, I had always said that TR was helping me out, he was protecting me, not hurting me from the real criminal at work. A lie no doubt but felt the truth in my head. I kept thinking how I had come to this? How life had turned up these events, why I could not just marry the love of my life without it being so hard. TR was back on the list and I signed his invitation, addressed to Mr and Mrs TR. His wife was also invited. It was the hardest decision and probably the worst of them all, how could J ever believe me now. If I told him he would ask why had I let him come to the wedding, why was I so weak? Weak was what it was, pure weakness. TR of course was delighted by the invite, his was the first one to be returned with an acceptance, at least it was only for the night do. His wife was also to attend as his guest. Sick Sick Sick. As the day came he kept hugging me at work and counting down but he started to get more grumpy and it arrived and was begininning to show his true colours again. I think it was a week before the wedding, if not a few days before and he sent me a text message saying:
'I can't help it any more, I just cant get the image out of my head....you in a white dress, hitched up with me inside you. On your wedding day, somewhere secret and naughty. Lets be naughty again, I cant wait.'
It was like ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH oh my god, what the hell can I do? I was totally trapped and it had started again. I just wept and wept. Organising things up to the last minute was hell, I was so stressed and I was crying all the time. I freaked out the night before because I broke a nail, I wanted to call it off then and there. I spent the night with my partner the night before and I felt safe but I knew it was not to last and I would take each moment it till I saw TR in front of me. Maybe he would not come, he could not be so blarze could he? And with his wife? I got myself ready with my hair all done. I had not shown my wedding dress to anyone and this was the day I got to show it off. Simple and chic, the last thing I wanted was all eyes on me, that would have been the worst. I had changed my dress at the last minute because I felt the other was too over the top, by then my confidence had gone anyway. My dad drove with me to the church and I stood outside. The nerves were not for the aisle itself, nor for who I was about to marry, it was for God who would watch me lie to him, in his house and break the vows before they were spoken. It was for my dear grandma who was watching me from heaven and seeing what I had done. I should have worn black that day or a hussy red dress. The aisle was the worst part of my day, all the eyes turned to me like I was a celebrity. People I cared about, people I loved, strangers, colleagues ...my son. I could not smile, it was like an insight of judgement, they were looking straight through me...they must know, they must. I put my head down. But then I saw my J smiling up at me from the other end, and I kept on going, he was there, my soul mate. I married him that day, with no doubt to who I was marrying but for him it would be a while till he knew who he was marrying.
The day went on, happily for some time. My mother caused problems as usual, trying to take control, making her way round people and being rude. She wore white dress to my wedding, a white dress?!! It makes me laugh. She also left early, she did not want to see any more people. I would learn later that she had cried to my new mother in law that I was making the biggest mistake of my life marrying her son. Crazy.
The evening do came, and I was drunk. I hadn't meant to be but I was getting nervous about my evening guests arrival. I had a plan though, I was to change, as soon as the evening do people had arrived. I wanted to get out my white dress so that he could not fulfil his fantasy. But things went pear shaped, times over ran, I was busy meeting and greeting and I could not find my new husband for ages! I finally found him having a lay down, he had gone to the loo, next to our room and had briefly laid on the bed to take it all in. We ended up making out in our newly wed bliss but people kept coming in and asking us stuff or looking in through the door. So we decided to go into the large closet, strange but it was private enough for consummating our marriage. When we finished, I could hear out in the corridor, an evening guest, not TR but it meant they had arrived. We went out to meet them all and there he was, brightly dressed in orange, his wife not the pretty filly I expected. He ran over to me and flung his arms round me, a smacker on my cheek. His wife did the same but not so intense. She said she had heard all about me and was finally glad to have met me! Blimey I was stunned. I started to get paranoid that maybe she knew, maybe she was in on it, or not, I don't know?!!! This was crazy. Then RD insisted that all B workers have a photo together including spouses, mine had disappeared again so I would be the only one without one, apart from the singletons. I sat in the middle of them all, the others stood around partners next to them, but TR left his wife and sat down on my left. His hand on my leg. his wife was behind him. At the point he put his hand on my leg, I had moved as it intercepted away from the touch and the click went. That photo remains a grim memory of that day, My eyes are shut turned from his hand and body, his face a lit with glee. Awful.
Later after all kinds of merriment and all kinds of paranoia, I went back to the cottage. I had watched him like a hawk all night but I had lost sight of him now and figured he had left. I had gone back to change and to collect some more booze for the guests, as it was stashed in our cottage. The cottage was unlocked, we had hired it for the weekend. Well the whole premises so people had been coming in and out collecting booze and leaving presents etc. I had walked into the kitchen, the cottage was deserted but I was desperate for a cuppa so had gone in there to put the agar on. Plus it heated the old cottage up so it would be nice for when we came to bed. I had just changed and was just getting the kettle off the hob, basking in the silence and peace I was getting for a little bit. And in he walked, TR. It was as if he knew I was there. I had been watching him like a hawk but he had been watching me more so...and I had lost interest and wandered off alone. Perfect opportunity I guess.
He came out with 'Great are you gonna offer me a coffee?' Maybe it was a pun, but I took it at face value and in my nervousness started to make him one. He came over to me, and grabbed my waist, we were by the kitchen table. I was trembling in fear, I had images of what was going to happen and J walking in or someone else and getting the wrong idea. I managed to move away and he said something like 'You looked stunning today, beautiful and precious'. I smiled and returned a thanks. He then said 'J is nothing like I expected, I thought he would be bigger, wore glasses and geeky or something.' I retaliated with saying his wife crossed me as being unlike what I imagined too. I said 'I thought she would be prettier and dumber' - in my own head I was thinking that she must be to be married to him anyway! He snorted it off, like he knew, he knew she was plain, a plain woman, no spirit no passion, she was much like a sheep and this sorted him just right. Easy to manipulate, it was an obvious set up really. 'Well she will never leave me cause I am the best looking guy shes ever had, I am above her you see, shes honoured to have me'. I just felt the most inner part of me call out to that woman, if I had endured him for six months, what the hell had her life been like? He then came to me, 'I wanted you in your dress, you are prettier than my wife on our wedding day, and I want you now'. At this point I have never ever in my life been so relieved as to see someone walk in, and to be TR best friend!! Thank you so much.
TR pulled back, and said 'Hey up mate, grabbing a coffee, you fancy one?' I left the two in the kitchen as I wandered outside to the guests. By now everyone was leaving bit by bit and I was tired out. I had got upset because someone ruined our wedding cake and I decided I had enough of the day. I went back to the cottage having said my goodbyes, J told me he would be in shortly. I never expected TR to still be in there but he was waiting in the living room, sat on a chair in the same cocky leg up way. I walked in and flopped on the sofa only then to notice him. He stared at me for ages not saying a word, he looked grumpy. He just kept staring and I looked away, it was silent. He broke the silence with 'you will be going to bed with him soon, blow his brains out with it and think of me'. The thought nearly made me throw up, before I could say anything though his mate came back in from the loo, he must have been there waiting for him. They started to muck about as men do, laughing and joking about etc as looked on, they were talking about my bridesmaids and who was single, despite both being in relationships. It was then J came in, drunk. He could see that I was uneasy, he joined in small talk with them but asked them to eventually leave politely. As he did so Tr came up t him and shook his hand, 'take care of her, shes a good un that one and she looks like she needs to be taken to bed.' He then left me and J alone.
J swore at him (behind TR back) out the window, he broke the roller blind in the process. He then turned to me and said 'I know you like them two and that, and I know I don't really know them but there is something about that man, I just don't like him, the other seems ok though.' His instincts had kicked in and how right he was.
My honeymoon came, two weeks off work no TR, I was so excited. It didn't last though, texts can be received anywhere in world. And I was getting ill, quite ill.
I HAVE TO FINISH THERE TODAY, ITS LONG AS IT IS.
Take Care All and thanks for reading. Sorry its not well written.
Bethany xx
