Hello followers, its been a while. I am so sorry that I have not written for what seems like a lifetime but things have been incredibly hard for me and I have had to take time out. I hope you can forgive me for breaking a promise?
I left the last post describing how my relationship with my husband had been doomed. It was cracking at all seams and I had cracked in half completely. Its a time a struggle to talk about probably more so than the actual rape because I hurt so bad, and I hurt so many others too in the process. I found the whole thing looking back so demeaning and a little weird. It is hard because I don't 'see' myself like this any more, I cannot remember, nor want to remember it in case I go back to being ill again. The fear of being like that again even out ways seeing TR again would you believe! It took all the strength I had to come through it all and make it back to a relatively sane woman again (I say relatively because I always was a little nuts)!
My life has taking 180 again in the last year alone back to a safer place too. In short and to help come to where I am now from my last post this is what occurred in brief, because the detail is too much. I will go from my daughters birth to present not from the rape as I told you that already.
- December 2009 Daughter Born
- December 2009 Favourite Cat Died
- January 2010 Family notice I am unhappy
- February 2010 Doctors prescribe low dose 10mg anti depressants for Post Natal Depression
- March 2010 Death of new cat after just six weeks of having. Daughter in hospital, husband catches me ripping my skin to shreds.
- April 2010 Anti Depressants upped to 50 mg following Self Harm.
- May 2010 First Attempt at Suicide - Intensive Home Treatment Team involved - Anti depressants upped to 100mg
- July 2010 Making attempts to go out but completely paranoid. Many teams involved in trying to get me out of the home and sometimes even bed.
- August 2010 A message from TR on my new mobile sends me over edge. Police are contacted in first instance. Statement given, I was sick during process. Case was left open for when I well enough to go through it again. Mother sends the statement without my permission to all my friends and family via email.
- September 2010 Suicide attempt two after death of yet another cat. Anti depressants upped to 200mg. Friends and family rally round but begin to back off once learning why I ill.
- October 2010 - December 2010 Completely Numb, no sense of anything. Husband quit job, I went on sick leave rather than maternity. Counselling started with Rape Crisis weekly sessions.
- January 2011 Begin to feel a little better, six months since no contact from TR but husband and I are not talking or sleeping together.
- Feb 2011 - April 2011 Get hair brain idea to start a business - quit work and dive in with all savings. Husband gets cross and we argue about decision He leaves temporarily without anyone else knowing for short term. He gets drunk a lot now and is often quite nasty when he like this saying things like 'did I want it?' or 'was it an affair?'
- May 2011 - August 2011 sheltered myself from everything. spent huge amounts of money on a business and worked day and night on it with no sleep.
- Relationship breaks down with husband, relationship with family breaks down as I ignore everyone saying I am hypervigilate, constant attention to everything but thinking about TR.
- Autumn 2011 Counselling ends and I accept that I am fucked for life with PTSD and a fear of dobbing in TR incase he hates me or his family do. Husband cant accept this but does not want to leave house and kids. We fail miserably to get our life back.
- Christmas 2011 I'd put on so much weight that distant family did not recognise me at all. I was four stone heavier than the year before due to comfort eating and no motivation to go out. Our newest cat dies unexpectedly.
- January 2012 - Thinking that the weight was a result of taking Anti depressants decide to come off tablets without doctors knowledge and also via cold turkey -BIG MISTAKE.
- Spring 2012 Symptoms of PTSD such as paranoia and panic attacks start. I stay indoors and my business is always closed. No money coming in and house falling apart, J trying to get a job with stability and a wage.
- May 2012 J cant keep a job due to his drinking and its now got so bad the kids think its normal to see him falling all over the place and slurring his words. He gets so badly drunk on a daily basis that he actually shits the bed and misses the toilet in an attempt to shit there. I have to clean up his mess whilst he sleeps it off. Seek advise from drinking counsellor. Our other cat goes missing but is renuited with us soon after! Luck changing???!!
- Begin Counselling with an alcohol recovery programme in order to help my husband who is now also ill. He is paranoid with our daughter been taken and is not letting me take care of our children at all because he thinks I am irresponsible as I am depressed. I am locked indoors most days and unable to get out 'for my own safety'.
- August 2012 Things so bad now with husband drinking that he started using rent money to pay for his addiction, on getting eviction notice to leave our home I give him ultimatum to leave or to give up booze forever. He chose booze and moved out.
- September 2012 Doctors intervene when I was going to be made homeless. They advise landlord this is not a good decesion as I start to self harm again. Anti Depressants are restarted at lower 100mg dose.
- Autumn 2012, begin to feel better. Learn more about myself and why I am this way through counselling. I understand things clearer and accept its not bad to be on antidepressants. If you are ill with a disease you take the medication to get better, its the same with PTSD. Also have lost three stone in weight and starting to look like my old self rather than just feel it.
- Christmas 2012 Husband and I reunite both refreshed after time apart. Its like new. He has stopped drinking and also having counselling from specialist about what happened to me.
- January 2013 I go out with friends and reunite all my old friendships (although no one talks about what happened) Its like I moved away for a while and now I've come back.
- February 2013 In seeing a post via facebook from TR decide to ring police and get him done once and for all. I am stronger now and ready to fight.
- Start Blog.
So thats in a nut shell....there is more and some really cracking awful crap but its the best I can do for now.
So I am now in the police process and its fucking tough. I reported the case on February 13th 2013. It was the six year anniversary of the first time I was raped. To date the bastard has still not been arrested and its well into April. So this is what has happened since reporting.
I rang them on the above date to report the incident having not remembered the police officer I oringianlly spoke to in August 2010 I try to get information as to who it was so I did not have to go through too much.
Unfortunately although they had something on the system regarding me and TR it was not signified which office wrote this down and dealt with. The lady on the other end said she would call me back. She did and she arranged for a beat bobby to come round and find out what had gone on. She arrived the next day on Valentines day. The lady which I had requested to have a female officer was ok, but not very savvy on the subject. She was not very reassuring and when I suggested that I was uncomfortable with people knowing what I have reported and his family and friends trying to contact me she claimed 'dont worry they will only hate you for a little bit until the next bit of gossip comes along'. Get my drift?!
Having been put off immensely by this I start to get upset and paranoid once she left and once I confessed to my husband I had finally taken the plunge he agreed to handle any meetings on my behalf and attend them with me. It took two weeks before I was finally ready to give a statement which would have to be filmed. It was also round the same time I started this blog, trying to get my head round it all and remember stuff. This helped loads but nothing could prepare me for the video interview. It was the hardest thing I'd had to go through in a single sitting. Like a full days worth of counselling without any empathy. It was horrible, degrading and completely exhausting.
I was told that it would take only 2 hours to go through. I was to meet the POVA officer and the CID detective in charge of my case (both females) at the Police HQ at 9am in the morning. The CID turned up but the POVA who was to conduct the interview was late, an hour late. So me and my husband sat in the house, converted to a interviewing suite with video cameras and tapes etc. We were offered tea but there was no milk, and when the POVA woman finally turned up, they both realised there were no CD's to record onto, so we were delayed some more. All the more for my nerves hey!
Finally I was led into a room with a sofa, a chair and a table. The camera was behind the chair facing the sofa. I was sit there. The chair would occupy the POVA. I felt like it was sign that the room was decorated with artwork of cats, it comforted me a little. The POVA explain to my husband that he could not come in with me and that he would have to wait in the downstairs room. No telly or food was provided for him. He was told it would be two hour tops.
So in I went ready to tell my story pretty much like I told you, and as you can imagine it took a while. At first she explained who she was (although I knew it was for the sake of the persons watching the video) she also then explained what I had to do and what time it was and the date and who else was in the building including J. Then it was my turn to tell my side of the events. I went through it without much hesitation but plenty of tears and anxiousness. The POVA lady just sat and listened, she made a few notes but nothing off putting. She told me the reason they video the interview rather than let me make a written statement is because they said that it was easier for us both when it came to court. It meant that they didn't have to write it all down (and miss something or distract me rather than be empathic) and it could be played in court rather than me having to go through it all again. Great. But I didn't realise that I should have been given a choice rather than told what I was to do with my statement. Anyway, I had no tissues and a the snots big time, so eventually they stopped videoing after two hours. I had finished just about anyway. I was given a fifteen minute water and wee break, and a small hug from J before I was whisked back into the room again for what they said would be half an hour just to go through some unclear bits and a few questions. OK. So off I went.
Poor J was feeling awful by this point he had no dinner (neither did I) and nothing to do, he had made it through his reading material and was helpless listening to my voice above him crying histerically. And that I was because that next part was truly awful. I have never felt so bad. I was interogated and ripped to shreds and it took another two and a half hours. It was pure torture, and with no food since breakfast and a tiny cup of water I was at breaking point, I thought I may pass out. By interogatted, I dont mean literally as I am the victim but it felt like it all the same. It was horific questioning, really detailled. These are some of the questions I was asked, which in hope will help you prepare yourself if you are ever in the same situation God forbid. I will make them more general than the detailed ones I had because they are relevant to my rape.
- Where were your hands whilst he was raping you?
- Where were your arms?
- Did you push him away?
- Did you scream? If no, Why Not?
- Why did you go with him alone into that room?
- Did you think he was attractive?
- Did you ever think of being with him sexually prior to the rape?
- Did you say no?
- Is there anyway that he may of thought you agreed or consented to the act?
- Did you consent?
- Where did his penis go?
- Did it penetrate your vagina?
- Did he wear protection?
- Did anyone see you upset after ward?
- Why were you tights ripped? Surely someone saw you were no longer wearing them?
- How did he get to your breasts? Were you wearing a bra?
- What underwear were you wearing? Have you washed them?
- What clothing were you wearing and have these been washed?
- Did you get any injuries? Where?
- Were your injuries treated? By whom? If not why?
- Did you ever flirt with him?
- Why did you respond to his emails, messages and texts?
- Why did you let him come to your wedding?
- Why did you not tell anyone at work?
- Why did you not tell your husband?
- Did you have an affair with him?
- Have you ever had an affair?
- How many people have you slept with?
- How many since the rape?
- Have you ever suffered with Mental Health issues prior to the rape?
- Was this medicated?
- Did you orgasm during the rape?
- If yes, Why?
- Did he orgasm and ejaculate in you?
- Did you feel threatened by him?
- Were you scared?
- Where were you exactly, and why were you there?
- What do you think of his physic?
- Do you think you could be wrong?
- Did you cry?
- Did anyone see?
- Did you tell anyone soon after?
- Did he put his penis in your mouth? If yes, did you respond and suck?
- Did he put it anywhere else without consent?
- Did he put his fingers in your vagina?
- Did you try to remove his penis at any time from anywhere it went?
- If no, why not?
- Plus many many more questions along this line.
Now this was tough, tough because I had never really been asked any of these questions. In fact most people avoided asking me including the counsellors and my response had always been that of hysterical crying, panic attacks or pass outs. I stood my ground but it was hell, when they finally finished this section I ran to my J downstairs and sort comfort in his wonderful arms. It took ten mins to calm me down a little and I was still really uncontrollable. The POVA lady came in and said I did really well but there is a few more questions to ask am I ready? Well J nearly hit the roof at this point and told them to back off as he thought I d done enough. I been in that room already for five hours and I was exhausted. As much as J tried they insisted it was better to get it over and done with so off I went, separated from my husband again.
The next interview was again another two hours but was a little easier than the last ones. This time it was all about the people I had told, the treatment I had received and the impact it had all made on my life, family and career.
Right I am going to STOP there and post this as I have to go and I WILL write on part two soon.
Cheers everyone.
Love Bethany xxxx
